Navigating the Waters of BDSM - Jolynn Raymond's Dark Obsessions

Navigating the Waters of BDSM

While I cannot and will not call myself an expert at all things related to kink and BDSM, I’ve been around the block, I’ve seen things I wish I hadn’t, not taken a chance to do things I should have, and have come to understand that to have a really great kinky lifestyle you can’t be closed minded or opposed to listening and learning. I’ve experienced a wide range of fetishes, kinks, and people who take on the many faces under the cloak of BDSM. I’ve been involved in long term power exchange relationships, all of which had their share of great, good, and bad, and have a pretty good radar for sensing crap. That unfortunately doesn’t mean my exploration in BDSM or finding a partner with whom I could connect was ever easy.

As a Mistress and sadist, I’ve had submissives both female and male, play partners both female and male, played with bottoms, submissives, tops, and dominants, and have a great group of kinky people whom I call friends. Sometimes you learn by seeing, sometimes by doing, and sometimes by making mistakes that scar your heart or your body.

The moral of the ramble above is not to tout my credentials or state why I’m qualified to write any of the books I publish or stuff I post on my blog that relates to kink. The moral is that if you’ve been there and done that, karma may shine down upon you for helping those who want to swim in the pool with others who live, enjoy, and play with BDSM.

So here’s a list of things I’ve learned. May you be spared hardship and enjoy enlightenment without the crap I ensued by my mistakes.

If it acts like a duck and talks like a duck, it still might not be a duck. – Pretty wrappings of black leather, the proclaimed titles of master or mistress, and a list of rules and thou shalt nots, do not make someone a dominant. On the other side of the coin, professed adoration, a claim to love of all things kinky, a dying wish to serve you, and a vow to do anything you say does not make someone a submissive. People bullshit online, in person, in emails and while you get to know them during meeting for coffee and dinner. There are lots of people who are not at all what they claim.

The above is an especially slippery slope for submissive women, not because they are any less intelligent, but because we women tend to be more emotional. They want to experience a relationship like they read about in books. They want so badly to find a dominant man when they first start to swim in shark infested waters that their hearts are open wide and we dominants know this. A respectable and ethical dominant is careful with newbies. We realize that sub frenzy can take hold and make you feel and act in a way so strange you wouldn’t even recognize yourself. (Please see my article on sub frenzy in the BDSM Archive.)

Some BDSM dominants are predators plain and simple. Some are not truly interested in their submissive’s best interest. Dominance isn’t about the dominant, it’s about creating a safe and secure relationship where both parties get their needs met. No really, it is. Beauty, my wife serves me, but I take care of her as well. It is a well-rounded, healthy relationship.

Things to run from are:

You don’t need a safe word.
Not trusting them, means you aren’t really committed to being a submissive.
Hard limits are there to be pushed.
They know what’s best despite your inner qualms.
You don’t need family and friends, your new role is to show complete devotion to your dominant.
They want you to do anything illegal.
Trying to state your needs, is topping from the bottom.
If you will do X, Y, or Z for them, then they will know you are ready to be theirs.
Your vanilla family, kids, job must take second stage.
You catch them in a lie.
One you catch cheating UNLESS polyamory has been clearly stated as part of the relationship.

Now to turn that around. A submissive you should run from is:

One who says they have no limits.
One who tells you exactly what they want you to do to them. {Do Me Sub}
One who is very clingy unless you are a Daddy Dom, Mommy mistress, or the nurturing type.
One who will not negotiate before a scene. This goes more for play, than a D/s relationship.
One who you catch in a lie.

One who has no life or feeling of self-worth unless they have a dominant. By this I don’t mean people who need direction that a good dominant can give, or those who need help with self-esteem, I speak of those who don’t see themselves as a good person unless they have a dominant.

Getting out into the kink community beats the hell out of hanging out on Collarme and ALT in hopes of finding your ‘one’. Two of my submissives I met through outside interests, one through ALT, and one by way of her ex knew my ex’s ex. (baaaad idea) My wife I met after taking a leap of faith and walking into a bar for the first time in over 20 to attend a munch.

Even if I hadn’t met my wife that night, it opened my eyes and felt like coming home. I was surrounded by people who were wired like I am. They understood me. They understood how hard my split with my alcoholic ex submissive was. They understood that I felt like crap because I thought I should have been able to fix her.

*Side note: You cannot dominate an addiction out of someone.*

These were my people. They were sane and safe, and fun, and holy crap we were talking vanilla with a huge helping of kinky stuff and it was so so so good. Really, please, if there is a BDSM community in a city close to you. GO! And when you do go, don’t look at it as a place to pick up easy women because all submissive women are just waiting for you to order them to give you a blow job. Don’t even go with the expectation of meeting a future partner. Go to learn, go to grow, go to make friends.

You know that in vanilla dating it’s always the friend of a friend you end up dating. Well if people know you, you’ve demonstrated you are sane, others know you are ethical and skilled in certain play, then you will meet someone, it just takes time. While you’re waiting, have fun learning how to flog or what flogging feels like, learn about impact play, bondage, whatever makes your little heart go pitter patter, but learn. Also don’t play in private. Learn how to negotiate as well. Aftercare should be negotiated before play too. If a dominant thinks aftercare is, ‘Hey bitch, pick up the toys and if you need cuddles, look elsewhere’.

BDSM play doesn’t necessarily contain sex. Having multiple play partners is fine. I have several, but I am monogamous with my wife. Multiple partners skilled in various things gives you a well-rounded experience when you step up to the smorgasbord.

If you want to know about flogging, single tail, bondage, spanking, play piercing, mental BDSM, being in a power exchange relationship, the best place to go is to one of the big events. There are some all over the country. Fetlife.com can help out there. Hell, Fetlife can help in a lot of things, but I digress.

I am a small woman. I went to Kinky Kollege in Chicago by myself. I had a blast, I learned how to cane in ways other than the Victorian punishment style which was all I knew. I met great people, some of who are still good friends, and wow, what an experience for a woman who hadn’t been out and about in the community for her first 10 odd years of being kinky. If I can do it, you can do it.

Play scenes must be talked about beforehand or else bad stuff can happen. Know your partner’s limits. Ask them “Where can’t I touch you?” instead of where can I. I sure as hell never want to leave someone feeling violated because I didn’t ask that all important question. On the other side of the coin, tell the person you are playing with what your limits are. If they will not openly agree then move along. Doing much else besides relaxing until your sub space buzz wears off isn’t a good idea. {See Aftercare and BDSM Play}

Never:

Drive
Agree to play with someone new that same night. People seriously will agree to things they normally wouldn’t.
Try to make decisions that need a clear head
Do things that take more skill than getting into your Snuggie.
Vanilla friends won’t always get it. I am lucky that my being a lesbian and my being kinky are accepted by my family and vanilla friends, it doesn’t always work that way. Be careful. Don’t put your face out there in pictures that show you doing whatever kink is your thing. Don’t post cock, boob, pussy, nude in general pictures along with a view of your face. YOU CAN BE FIRED FOR BEING KINKY. If you don’t get fired, but co-workers get wind of your dubious activities, things can get bad. Where I live impact play is illegal. You cannot give consent to be beaten. Seriously. Be careful and remember, what you put out there on the internet will always be on the internet. If you want that important job at a conservative company but they see all sorts of things when they use facial recognition software to search for you on the web, you may be screwed.
Don’t play intoxicated or while on drugs. If you need the booze for courage to take that last step towards play, you aren’t ready. Likewise if you are impaired and you are topping someone, you cannot read their subtle body language. You must be in complete control and clear headed if you are playing with someone.
There is no ‘true’ way of doing things. I have my beliefs, other people have theirs. I am more serious, other people aren’t. I live BDSM in my recreation and my relationship 24/7. None of the above makes me a better or more real kinky person than those who dabble in bedroom kink.
Keep an open mind, be respectful. Treat people with decency. Kinky doesn’t mean slutty. Sadist doesn’t mean you’re fucked in the head as long as those you play with have given their consent of their own free will, and you abide by their limits.
A munch is just a meeting at a restaurant or bar. There are always new people so you won’t be the only one. No one is playing, not one is having sex, no one is going to try and pressure you. That last one may not be true for submissive women. Guys can be douchey with newbie women. Ladies, go to meet and make friends with other submissive women and learn from them.
A mentor doesn’t ask for sex. They are a teacher.
A collar should mean something. I’m old school. I don’t believe a collar should be given in much less than a year’s time. My wife’s collar means as much as her wedding ring.
Just because it isn’t your kink doesn’t mean it isn’t someone else’s valid need, want, or desire. I totally do not get balloon love and furries. That said, it isn’t my business as long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual.
If it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t.
If it’s a hard limit for you, stick to it unless YOU have valid reason to really feel differently about it. Don’t give it up because your dominant says you should.
We are just people. We have very fun and exciting recreation, but we are just people.
Don’t do something unless you know the safety issues.
If you go to a public dungeon you won’t see a massive orgy of kinky people writhing on the floor having sex with multiple partners, and a sign hanging up saying jump right in. Dungeons have rules. Be respectful of them and read up on basic kink and dungeon etiquette before you go.
Not everyone in the dungeon is skinny, sexy, and good looking. This goes back to we are just people. There are more, flabby, overweight, just average looking people than there are people who are skinny, muscular, young, and have perky boobs.
Use the manners your mother taught you when dealing with others. Kinky people are not sex fiends, well most, and not sex fiends in a bad way.

That’s it. My basic words of wisdom. Common sense, being cautious, staying smart, showing respect for others is what it’s about. I’m not talking about submissives needing to show respect to some dominant they don’t know. That’s a load of crap. I mean basic human respect. Those who judge, bark orders, don’t play safe, and don’t care about anyone but themselves are not worth your time and energy, and they sure as hell aren’t safe, sane, and consensual players, so turn your back and walk away. Be your own advocate by using your head.

Scraaaaaaaaaaaaape, scraaaaaape. That’s me putting my soap box away now. That is all.