The Do Me Sub 6 comments


The Do Me Sub's Dream

The Do Me Sub


When having a conversation with other dominants or reading the posts on the Fetlife Mistress forum, the subject of the ‘do me sub’ always pops up. The ‘do me’ submissive does exist with women submissives, and I know men deal with this on occasion, but as a whole, women are more pliable and accepting of learning their dominants wants and needs. It is for this reason that in my opinion it is a bigger factor when female dominants are searching for a male submissive. I do not think the concept is due to men being more selfish in relationships, I think it is because men don’t really understand what it is a mistress really is looking for in a submissive. I am going to outline what it is I would seek in several different categories of submissives. This is not an ad for a submissive. I am outlining what my requirements would be in order to help those who wish to fill a submissive position. As I have stated many times, being a dominant is not all about me. Having a submissive comes with lots of responsibilities, but if you wish to get your foot in the door, you must focus on what a particular dominant is looking for in the first place.

Position of an intimate personal submissive – Most female dominants I know are seeking a male submissive with whom they can have a long-term loving relationship. Think boyfriend or girlfriend with the addition of kink. I am very lucky to have found the love of my life. I have a person who is both my submissive and my wife. Our 24/7 relationship has both the everyday aspects of real life, (menopause, colds and flu, tired from work, only want to watch TV together) along with the aspects of kink we both need, but prior to her becoming my intimate partner, there was a lot of time and training in between meeting her and collaring/ marrying her.

If I were seeking an intimate male, and please remember this is hypothetical, the following qualities would be vital.

1. Outside interests that are compatible. Life is not one long kinky BDSM filled experience. All of us have real lives and families. The person who is my submissive and LTR person must be compatible in some areas outside of kink as well as being compatible with my family. When having holiday dinner with my 87 year old mother it makes zero difference if you are into ass play.  Beauty and I live everyday lives. We do vanilla things, I go to work, she keeps up our home, we watch movies, travel etc. When addressing a woman you are interested in who is seeking a personal submissive for a LTR, think outside the kink box.

2. The person would have to be willing to spend time with me as in dating and meeting for coffee etc., doing things together to get to know each other. I would have to know that any potential intimate long term relationship submissive who would be the potential singular alpha submissive in my life have the following qualities – Trustworthy, kind, patient, honest, articulate, make me laugh, be a good listener and conversationalist, obedient, be compatible with what I like both kinky and non in the bedroom and dungeon. Be understanding of when I have had a hard day and wanting nothing more than to make me feel better whether by listening, rubbing my feet, bringing me tea, creating a serene home environment, and understanding that women have emotions and dominants aren’t always rock solid. Be strong, self-sufficient in the way of having initiative to do what needs to be done as well as being able to care for yourself. As a dominant, I care for my submissives but they must also be strong enough and stable enough to care for themselves and be capable. They must also be someone who could give comfort and emotional support whether that is a should to cry on, arms to hold me, give me passion in bed, or be bound to the cross for a session of flogging or whatever to appease my inner sadist, and help let out the stress from my job.

3. I will repeat part of this and put it in bold because it applies to anyone who would serve me and be allowed into my home. Trustworthy, honest, discrete, patient, kind, flexible, obedient, sincere, intelligent, self-sufficient, capable, stable.

4. A personal submissive would – Care for my home and fur kids as well as me. Obey the rules I have set forth. Make my life easier, not harder. Care for me when I have medical issues, be able to comfort me, love me, and be themselves with me so I can be myself. Be my partner, my love, my other half, my submissive, and my toy.

You will note that nowhere in these things did I mention demanding, or being in it only for you. While playtime and kink needs would be respected and attended to, a long-term partner would have to be so much more than just compatible kink wise. Think about all these things I just said and then think about how well a dick pic accompanied by an email that said, “You can fuck me with a strap on and force me to do anything.” would go over.

A House Submissive – A house submissive is classified by someone who is not the alpha submissive, nor love of my life. They are a person I come to trust, and a person who becomes friend. Playtime that satisfies both our kink needs is given when earned. A house submissive would be someone who at times is seen and not heard. There could perhaps be some intimacy during play. Remember this is only a hypothetical position, not a real one I am seeking. A house submissive, or close submissive would do what must be done around the house without the benefit of me standing there with heels on and wielding a riding crop. That would make you a ‘do me sub’. Your work should be done without my being there with a riding crop and standing over you ordering you about. That would be considered a kinky reward. It is of no use to me to have someone to do what I need: housework, rub my feet, cook for Beauty and I, give pedicures, clean the garage, or whatever, if it requires my time to ‘make’ them do it. A house submissive also must be discreet. We have friends over for play parties and CFNM’s and anyone who served me would have to fill out papers, get to know me, understand the process would take time, be willing to do as I ask in meeting me in public, come to local munches so those who come to the house would be comfortable with your service. Basically it comes down to what I laid out above.

I will repeat part of this and put it in bold because it applies to anyone who would serve me and be allowed into my home. Trustworthy, honest, discrete, patient, kind, flexible, obedient, sincere, intelligent, self-sufficient, capable, stable.

This position is about half way between a personal LTR submissive and a service submissive. There would be frequent play and probable intimacy, which most likely would not involve full-blown intercourse sex. What I mean is if you were into anal, you would be rewarded with strap on play, (Nope, I do not personally do this. Remember this is hypothetical.) or your anal needs would involve butt plugs or the Sawsall. A friend brings one over when we have play parties and our service sub Jacob is rewarded with a session when he has earned it. It could also involve oral service given by the submissive. Some Dommes would wish for full-blown sex from a house submissive, some do not. Again, there would be frequent play but there would also be chores and this submissive would not be my primary relationship.

Service Submissive – In my world, this position involves very little play. The service submissive gets their satisfaction by doing service and receiving a word of praise and a smile from their mistress. She does not have to stand there in heels with a crop as mentioned above, and she does not need to closely supervise the service. My service submissives serve at play parties, have the option of having me help negotiate a play scene with someone at the party, and have me attend the play to monitor my service submissive’s safety. They also do anything on my list of man chores. Cleaning, washing the car, hanging pictures, walking the dog, mowing the yard, helping Beauty plant and weed, running to the store, the list goes on. The only intimacy would be foot rubs or possible back rubs. There is thought given to their kink needs but this is SERVICE ORIENTED. Our dick enjoys being a foot stool and he enjoys the occasional spanking or wearing of a butt plug. I do not have to supervise him. He takes great pleasure in spending the afternoon with us and doing the things on his man chore list.

I will repeat part of this and put it in bold because it applies to anyone who would serve me and be allowed into my home. Trustworthy, honest, discrete, patient, kind, flexible, obedient, sincere, intelligent, self-sufficient, capable, stable.

He would not be out to get pleasure from kinky acts that feed his fetish desires. It’s not that I’m being selfish, I am describing what a service submissive’s position simply does not entail. This person grows to be a friend, but they are more likely to get me in my robe and slippers sitting on the couch writing than they are heels and a crop. I put on my mistress outfits for parties but not for when a service sub comes over. I have to be able to be just me and they have to be able to be okay with that. If you could not handle a mistress who was just a normal yet assertive person most of the time, you would not be a good fit for me.

This is just an outline that is really geared towards my point of view and from what I have read on the mistress forums, or talking to other mistresses. In general, if you want a woman who is dressed to the part all the time and who will fulfill all your fetish needs every time you see her, go to a pro domme. She will be willing to do as you want all the time and not worry about what she likes because that is her job. A mistress (pro domme included but again, her job is to do your fantasy) is a person, a mistress gets tired, a mistress gets sick, a mistress does vanilla things, a mistress has a job and family, a mistress has emotional needs. Think about pleasing the whole woman, not just the kinky slice. Your relationship may evolve to be play partners who primarily meet just to play and get their kinks met, but play partners are different from submissives.

Think about the woman, not about what she can do for you. To get your foot in the door, do not send one-liner emails such as “You can do anything to me.” Really? Anything? How does that help me and how does that really tell me about yourself? Do not send dick pics unless asked to. They are offensive. You are not just a penis, and if you only think with it and it represents you as a person, I am not interested even if I were straight and seeking a LTR with a man. Be articulate, be willing to meet and actually have a conversation. I have no time for online crap. Seriously, to those who send me messages from Thailand, or wherever, that is a thousand miles away. Really? You can serve me from there? How exactly does that work? Be honest and open. You are more than your kink and so are we. Past experience is great, but I very well may train in a vastly different way. Just be yourself and act intelligent. If you act like a jerk online with a crude pick up line you would never say to a woman in person do not expect a positive reply.

Don’t be a ‘do me sub’. Be a do for me sub. Once that is established and boundaries and needs are worked out, you may find yourself in a satisfying dominant and submissive relationship whatever level it is on.


About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Bloggers. Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship's Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.

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