Aftercare and BDSM Play 85 comments


Aftercare

Aftercare - Imgur

Aftercare and BDSM Play

I am a strong advocate of aftercare when engaging in BDSM play. What we do for recreation not only affects the body, but also affects the mind. Whether I play intimately with my wife, high impact with my play partner who is tough as nails, or am topping a friend who wishes to learn techniques or experience something new, I always provide aftercare. The only time I would not, would be if in the pre scene negotiations, and someone told me they wish to be left alone in their space. Even then, I wouldn’t feel it was just okay to put them out of my mind and I would make certain to learn what is their normal routine and usual activities after play.

I will say right now that not every dominant or top believes in, or provides aftercare. Some feel, “Hey you, clean and put away the gear.” is the way to go. I won’t say negative things about the way they do things. However, I will say that in pre play negotiations they ethically should tell a new partner they do not give aftercare. All of us are different. I will not bash someone’s way of doing things, I will just help to educate those who are new or are seeking to learn by explaining and describing my views and what my aftercare consists of.

One last word of warning just because you know I have to make sure safety is covered whenever I talk about BDSM, driving in subspace is like driving drunk. Do not let someone you’ve played with drive until you are sure their feet are on the ground.

Everyone reacts differently to BDSM play and different BDSM play causes different reactions. I am a lover of sensation play, think feathers, vampire gloves, sharp and prickly things, fur, drumming canes, love electric play with the Neon Wand, and do impact play that goes from light to heavy depending on my partner. Sexual play along with BDSM play is reserved for my wife.

Play that causes pain can increase the release of endorphins into the system as well as adrenaline. Play that causes an emotional mind fuck such as showing your partner a sharp knife, telling them you’re going to do evil things with it, blindfolding them, and then proceeding to use a butter knife or a claw to trace lines and ‘cuts’ all over their body will cause the fight or flight response in someone. Most times the option of both is denied because of rope, or because you have forbidden them to move. Their mind and body prepare for fight or flight and then can’t. The body can go a bit haywire, but it can cause a tremendous rush as well. Think of the rush extreme sports enthusiast get when they do something dangerous. All of this may sound horrid to someone new, but those who do it, do it for a reason, and most submissives I know would never do psychological play or edge play with someone they didn’t trust deeply.

Whether you do a good hard spanking, make your partner super relaxed and in tune with you through cane drumming or sensation play, do a heavy flogging session, tie them up, or do some other type of play, talk to them ahead of time to negotiate aftercare. Ask them how they react or have reacted in the past to different types of play and specifically to the type of play you are going to engage in. My wife needs to lie down, be warm, and be cuddled. This wasn’t an issue at home, though our relationship was new and we hadn’t played too much. The bed was near and she’d walk with my arms around her to it. When we went to an event I thought I had prepared for what she would need, but when I unclipped her cuffs from the cross, she went to her hands and knees and started crawling on the hotel convention area carpet.

I had put blankets and something cushy down, made a sort of nest for her that was soft, clean, and warm, but she threw me for a loop when she did that. The addition of a blindfold to help block out all the other people in the dungeon made her even more out of it than usual. I can’t carry her and she was deep in subspace. The combination messed up my aftercare plans. I tried to get her up, but she was to the ‘nest’ I made pretty quick, still, I felt as if I hadn’t prepared well enough. Now days I simply make sure the water, slippers, extra blankets, chocolate, etc. she needs is within reach of where she is going to lie down, and hold her tight until I get her there. At home we now have our dungeon in the basement. I pull two papasan cushions in from the rec room side, have a blanket heating on the towel warmer, and more on the cushions along with all that I need so we can lay together and cuddle. That is what she needs so that is what I do. She is foggy in the head and sleepy so I make sure she gets sips of water during play. I always have a bottle of water with a straw in it for whoever I play with to drink from during a scene.

My hard core masochist gets water during, frequent breaks from the hardcore implements like mixing it up with the fur mitt for a minute, scratching his back, etc. He has a robe at our house and Beauty often is making dinner while we play, so he gets a warm robe, a blanket, slippers, chocolate, (glucose can drop during play), and often his favorite meal of meatloaf afterwards.

Play that involves other friends who are new partners begins with negotiation. It’s not a, ‘Well if I do this, you can do that’ kind of negotiation. They express what they are interested in experiencing, I tell them how I see things going and what I have planned. I do not tell my wife or my regular play partner what my semi scripted plan is, but I do with someone I haven’t played with before. I also ask them, where on your body can’t I touch you. This eliminates any confusion. It doesn’t always mean private areas. They might have a shoulder injury, have arthritis, or like my wife, screws in their back. I also always ask them how they have reacted in the past to X,Y,Z. Even if the play I plan is completely new to them, I am interested in their past reaction to play in general and if there were problems that developed.

I usually try to have someone else in our dungeon when I play with a new partner. This is for both our sakes. Things can get really fuzzy in their heads. What I do may not be what they exactly remembered. I do a green, yellow, red check, for yes I like that, that’s about my limit, or stop!. Things said by a bottom during play that is different from what was negotiated will make the play more intense, up the level of pain, or over ride what was listed as a hard limit. Decision making is skewed during play.

So….

1. Always give water during and after play. A bottle of water with a straw that bends is great for during. Then you can give water at odd angles.
2. Have candy or chocolate to give after. Adrenaline or endorphin rush depletes the body’s energy.
3. Have first aid supplies at hand. My heavy masochist partner sometimes get small skin breaks. I use an alcohol wipe, Band-Aids, with antibiotic ointment.
4. A warm blanket is essential in my book, especially if someone was bound.
5. A place to sit, or lie down that is comfy and at least semi quiet.
6. Soft words, the rubbing of their back, talking if they wish, or quiet if they don’t but staying near.
7. Definite conversation after their head has cleared to make certain they are shaking off the fog. This doesn’t have to be kink related.
8. My wife gets cuddles, soft words, hair smoothing, and loving touches.
9. I like my play partners to eat something and sit and relax. No rushing home.
10. There are numbing lotions for sore bottoms, or just plain lotion can feel wonderful. Use it on the back and bottom.

I make my play partner comfy and tend to the clean up myself, but that is just me. For a bottom, part of their recreation is the floaty subspace afterwards. I figure they have their right to it. Wiping down my toys and furniture pieces we used is no big deal. Perhaps I come down in my own way as I rearrange everything. I’m a bit OCD. With my wife, I love the cuddling after. It’s a bonus that helps us feel closer and it touches the nurturer in me.

Do what is right for you, but if you’re topping or playing with your submissive, make sure they know if you are one who doesn’t give aftercare. Some submissives would be completely lost or feel cut loose without it. If you are a submissive who does want aftercare, tell your top. Even then, communicate what is normal for you.

We play hard and sometimes our play is extreme. We owe it to each other to take care of the people we play with. Have that conversation people. It’s important for safe, sane, and do consensual play.

I have a request for those who read this post. Due to Google changing the algorithms and the way their search engine works, people don’t seem to be finding my BDSM educational posts. I used to choose what I’d write about by using the interests of my readers as judged by the search terms that got them to my blog. That isn’t happening any more. If you read this article please click like or just type read in the comment box. This isn’t a ploy to make my blog more popular, it’s to see what is going on with the crazy search engine and to see how many people are finding Dark Obsessions.


About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Bloggers. Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship's Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.


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