Are Your Expectations Realistic? #Mistress
If all you expect when you go to a place to meet a potential person to date is sexy beautiful people, you’ll be disappointed.
If all you expect is perfect weather when you go on vacation to the beach, you’ll be disappointed.
If all you expect when you go to a chain restaurant is perfectly cooked gourmet food, you’ll be disappointed.
If all you expect when you go to a BDSM munch is easy to lay submissive women, you’ll be disappointed.
And if all you expect when seeking a dominant woman is the image above, you’ll be disappointed.
The question and answer below is in response to an assignment I gave to one of the submissive men I am training. William is doing very well in my class on how to become a desirable submissive. The class is taught by my alter ego, Headmistress Pain. While the name sounds a bit cheesy, the class most definitely is not. Miss Pain’s class objective is to take the do me submissive and the submissive who doesn’t have any idea about proper BDSM service, and make them into a man/woman who understand and strive to be what many dominants seek.
The assignment was to answer the question about what makes a proper submissive. William did an outstanding job. What he wrote is what so many dominants want. What the media portrays is not how it goes, unless you are employing a professional dominatrix. Her job is to make it all about you, but that is her job. Pro Dommes are wonderful. They help those who seek them fulfill a fantasy, but a long term D/s relationship isn’t like that. What you read below is what submission is about.
Good evening Miss Pain.
I am getting ready to head out of town for the weekend and wanted to get your request handled. So with no further ado…
What do you see as the key elements to being a proper submissive?
I believe the key to perfect service and submission is the anticipation of the Dominant’s wants and needs but not the assumption.
One must consider all the possible needs of the dominant and then not make the assumption that any will be needed. The mind must be clear of need or want and focus needs to remain on the ability to react to something requested.
Submission to me is the enjoyment of another through useful application of my ability.
The key elements of submission are:
Others before me
Obedience without hesitation
Enjoyment of service.
Desire to please.
And a very high libido to help you be controlled and rewarded at the same time.
As you can see, he did not mention:
Can take a strap-on in the ass.
Can dress up in girlie clothes and clean the house under strict supervision.
Can service my dominant orally for hours (note, great skill but not right off)
Can be spanked like a naughty school boy
Can be forced to X,Y, and Z
The above are absent because they are strictly BDSM play activities and do nothing to address the needs of a dominant in a real relationship.
The ratio of submissive men or men who think of themselves as submissive versus the actual number of dominant women, tilts towards the women by a large percent. I don’t have any actual figures, but know that at munches and online at places like Collarme and ALT there are hundreds of profiles for submissive men and a much smaller number of dominant women’s profiles. This would lead one to think that dominant women need simply to cast out into the sea of available men and quickly catch what they seek, but that is far from the truth. Why? Because the media and porn industries image of the dominant woman is one that shows only glamour and a fulfillment of many a man’s fantasies.
As a dominant lesbian I haven’t ever been in the market for a male submissive for a long term love relationship, but even so, I know how hard it can be to find a good service oriented man who wishes to become part of our kink family. When I cast out my net online and within the local kink community, 9 out of 10 males who contact me in regards to my needs are not even close to being what I am looking for, and this has nothing to do with the fact that I need service from them. Those who are my submissives have a wide variety of rewards for proper service. They have a chance to meet people, attend parties both in service and just for fun, and have many opportunities that they otherwise would not for BDSM play or serving at a CFNM. So basically, dick, my wonderful service submissive does all the man chores given him, and in return, if he wished to have a non-sexual play session, he can. We’ve done this only a couple of times because he truly wants to just serve, but the fact that he could play is like the cherry on top of the relationship.
Sounds like a good deal right? So why is it so hard to find someone, and why do the dominant women seeking a partner for a D/s relationship that includes a long term romantic relationship have such a difficult time? It’s because the huge majority of men coming into the lifestyle are do me subs. This is not their fault. They get their ideas through porn and the media, but wherever their ideas stem from, their misconceptions have to be cleared up before they truly are what we seek
They write me with lines that say I can do anything to them. They will allow me to make them a sissy while I force them to clean my house whip in hand and then have the divine privilege of fucking them in the ass with a strap-on when they are done. I am not saying no dominant wants to create this scene, but that is after a relationship is developed. It is not the key to fulfilling what we want. New submissives are so inundated by the media’s image of a dominatrix that they think all we want is to force them to do things, spank them like naughty boys, and do this and that to them while never once addressing the women that we are or the needs we have. Basically they think that doing the above does indeed fulfill our needs. News flash, it doesn’t.
You can read more about this in my article about do me subs in the BDSM archive, but I felt I wanted to share this information to help showcase just why William’s answer is so important. It lets me know that how I guide and train my students in an effort for them to understand the mindset of many dominant women, is working. William, and those in class before him, cast off the idea that if they become owned, it will be all about them.
Having one’s needs met is vital, and so is having a dominant who understands that they must take on the responsibility of having a submissive; but this is so very different from the image of a crop wielding, sexy, leather clad woman who lives only to fulfill their fantasies. My students are trained in high protocol, dinner and tea service, foot rubs, the acceptance of pain/impact play, control of ones libido, and other aspect that turn the mind set of me, me, me into I wish to serve her as she sees fit. It isn’t all about her and it isn’t all about them. They must have an honest desire to obey their dominant’s wishes. If all they want is to be involved in a scene where they are humiliated, sissified, spanked, and fucked then they should find a service top or go to a professional Domme, because that is not what a power exchange relationship is about.
The dominant women I know roll their eyes and let out a huge sigh, or make a face of disgust at all those ‘submissive’ men who will allow us to do anything to them, but then run away when any discussion takes place that mentions the dominant woman’s needs. Listen up men, WE GET THIS ALL THE TIME!! It is not a privilege to be allowed to spank you or fuck you up the ass with a strap-on. Women want a relationship, be it service or romantic where true submission is given. We lead, you follow, we command, you obey, you take care of our needs and demonstrate a heartfelt desire to please us, we take care of your needs. There is no give without the take, so get that out of your heads.
Read William’s answer. Think about what it says. Ask yourself just what is it about his answer that made me respond that it was a very thoughtful, intelligent, and meaningful reply. He gets a relief from his chastity requirement because his assignment reflects what it is I want from those I teach to understand. Take a long look and think about his reply the next time you want to contact a dominant woman. If you don’t grasp the ideas involved in William’s reply, then you may need to go to a professional. She can help you live out your fantasy. If however, you wish for more, if you wish for a long term relationship with a dominant woman, take William’s words to heart and imagine yourself with the same mindset.
***Headmistress Pain’s class is full***