L is for Learning (or) Everything I learned about the Kink Community, I learned from my Loyal Lesbian.
Let me first request that no one gets their panties in a bundle over the term of endearment I use for the most beloved male member of our kink family. I am a lesbian, so please refrain from spouting off about how furious it makes you to have someone use the that term of sexuality for anyone who does not fit the mold that has been created by society. No offense is intended. This post is about love and loyalty, don’t twist it into something negative.
For the first ten years of my life in BDSM, my relationships with girlfriends/submissives were done privately. What I mean by that is we were not involved in the kink community. I had several long term relationships with women without the benefit of being part of the social kink scene. I had my misconceptions about what a munch was, what casual play was, and never dreamed that the support and love I have found in the local BDSM community was even possible.
The relationship I had before I met my wife was a good one that ended badly. My submissive girlfriend was a recovering alcoholic who fell off the wagon due to the loss of someone very close to her. I tried like hell to save her. I thought I could dominate her addiction out of her and turn her back to the road of recovery, but I was wrong. You can’t love, punish, command, or dominate someone who is hell bent on self-destruction to cease their damaging behavior. In the end we split, and the pain I felt over our breakup was amplified by the shame I felt for not being a good enough dominant. I have since learned that you can’t save someone who doesn’t have the will to save herself.
So what the hell does this glimpse into my past have to do with a loyal lesbian? When my house of cards began to fold, I was so distraught by the loss of love, the guilt I felt, and the sense of being set adrift without anyone to turn to, that the pain was nearly unbearable. My friends knew I was, and am a lesbian, but the whole kink thing was a secret. The fact that she was my submissive, and I was her dominant, was a secret I couldn’t share. I knew I needed the support of people who would understand the deep loss one feels when a power exchange relationship ends.
With the help of the only friend I had that was kinky and truly understood, I made myself reach out for the support my heart and soul needed. She pushed me and wouldn’t let up, and her determination turned my emptiness around. I knew she was right, so I took a huge leap, one that took me out of the solitude and into a life full of friends and loved ones, and those who ‘get’ me.
I have always been a bold woman. I have travel the world solo, but the idea of going into a bar and meeting people by myself for the first time in twenty years was daunting. I went on Fetlife and looked up the local munches, and then contacted the man who ran one as well as writing to a couple of women who listed local events on their profiles. I was not looking to meet a partner, I was looking to have someone I had at least emailed with be there when I took my leap.
The guy who ran the munch was great. He watched for me to arrive and I made a beeline to him when I got there. He made me relax a little, and introduced me to a man who I confess to thinking was a dirty old man. He and I went to find a place to sit, and one of the first things I said to him after we were settled was that I was a dominant lesbian but didn’t ever play with men. I thought that it was best to declare myself. He said without missing a beat that he could be a lesbian. I laughed but shook my head. I knew nothing about the social workings of the BDSM community. I was adamant about my belief that casual play was wrong, and never in a million years thought that I would play with the dirty old man who I actually had a lot in common with, but even more, that would take a part in my future.
After talking with him for a bit and being introduced to a few people, I asked him if Beauty’s Punishment was there. She was one of the women I had written to and emailed with just a bit so I would ‘know’ someone there. Jud (the dirty old man) said yep, and he went and got her. This is where my life changed and would shape future events, he brought her to me, and when he did, she knelt down at my feet. Let me say that we in no way had any D/s aspect to the emails. They were brief and friendly. The bar was a bit loud but not so much that conversation couldn’t be had, but here was this beautiful woman kneeling at my feet so she could talk to me. I was pretty shocked, and wondered if the action was normal in the BDSM scene. For the record, no, no it isn’t. If you go to a munch, don’t expect submissives to kneel at your feet. My future wife took my hands as she knelt there on the bar floor until Jud rose and I convinced her to sit in the chair.
Switching gears here. Many of you know the story as told by my wife Beauty, and how things unfolded in the next few months, but this story is about my loyal lesbian, not my wife. After that night I began to go to munches, and Jud’s face was always one I saw first. He made me feel confident by quickly expanding those I knew, always making sure I had people to talk to, and always taking time to be close by. I quickly learned that Mr. Dirty Old Man was very, very sweet. I still was doing battle with the whole no casual play thing though. That took time to overcome because I didn’t understand that a BDSM play scene didn’t have to be sexual. I had only played with my past girlfriend/submissives and our play was always intimate.
Fast forward from going to munches where there is no playing, to MAsT meetings that were instructional and a place to play at the end (or ours were). I played with a few women and though things felt wrong in some part, but it helped me understand that a negotiated scene with a play partner doesn’t have to be intimate. Yes, trust and communication must be there, but BDSM play can be simply recreational. Who knew!
My relationship with Beauty evolved over time with a whole lot of kissing and making out in the parking lot, on the hood of my car, and at the local play place anywhere we could find a spot. Beauty became my submissive girlfriend and after a time I knew she was the woman I wanted to keep forever. I offered her a training collar and we went through the steps for nearly a year that led to her collaring and our wedding. Jud, my loyal lesbian who brought my future wife to me that first night in the bar was the one who walked Beauty down the aisle and presented her to me in front of friends and Mistress Joanne who was our officiate.
So in this post I wanted to acknowledge the man who taught me about the BDSM community. He held my hand, had many conversations with me about kink and play and all sorts of other stuff. He made me realize that though a BDSM scene is intimate in the way two people interact in the dance, that intimacy can be a friendship bond and can be had completely without sex. When we began to play I was still new to casual play, and gasp, play with a man, so he was dubbed an honorary lesbian.
Jud has always been there through troubled times, times I questioned myself, and times when I learned that though kink can be a serious business, it can also be ridiculous. He brought me into the fold and introduced me to really wonderful people, and made sure I never felt alone. He countered my beliefs with intelligent conversation, matched my inner sadist with his HUGE inner masochist, made me laugh, and made me re-examine all of my misconceptions.
Once he was an official lesbian, we gave him a tee shirt to prove it. It says he is Mistress Inara’s (my fet name) Loyal Lesbian, and we gave it to him as a gift when he was part of our wedding and collaring ceremony. Who better to give me my wife than the person who first brought her to me? He is a dear friend who is indeed part of my family. He helped take care of Beauty after her surgery when I had to go back to work. He is always there whenever we need anything, and has sat by my bed in the hospital. He has given support, acted as Major Domo at our CFNM parties, given sage advice, helped us in any way he possibly could, and added so much light to my life. He has melded my serious and sadistic side with a huge dose of humor. A session with him lets off a huge amount of stress. We laugh, we sing, we chatter back and forth as we do some seriously heavy play. He dubbed me his Queen a long time ago and the term has stuck, so much so that my mom is referred to as the Queen Mother.
Jud has shaped my life through love, loyalty, and laughter, and my life would never be the same without him. Out of a comment said probably 10 minutes into knowing each other, has grown the term of endearment I use for one of my dearest of friends. So L is for Loyal Lesbian because I love Jud, and he is such a wonderful part of my life.
Things I learned from my Official Loyal Lesbian:
- Don’t judge a book by its cover. – We pay a lot of lip service to that term but sometimes do it anyway. Jud was no more just a dirty old man, than I was a new submissive woman swimming in a tank of sharks. Jud is a KINKY old man, but that doesn’t make him dirty or someone who has nothing in common with me.
- BDSM play can be done with someone who is a casual friend. – As long as safe, sane, and consensual is abided by it’s all good. I am monogamous with Beauty. She is the only person I do intimate sexual play with even though I play with others to have fun and to teach.
- Every BDSM family absolutely needs a Jud. – He is the glue that helps it all stay together. He is there when we need him in any capacity. He is loyal and loving, and our family would never be the same without him.
- Family isn’t defined by blood. – I knew this because I am adopted, but that is basically a traditional family as well. We in the kink community and those who practice kink have something to hide. We all have this secret that we find amazing and wonderful but that can’t be shared with even those who are traditional family in most cases, because of fear of reprisal. This makes us incredibly close.
- BDSM doesn’t have to be serious. – I’m pretty old school when it comes to BDSM. Protocol is important to me. Rules and traditions are important to me. I take offense at those who treat D/s relationships and especially collaring, lightly though I am working on my tolerance of that. To me, taking someone as a submissive is an act of commitment and responsibility. That said, it’s okay to be ridiculous with a play partner. We are respectful of others at our play parties by playing last because our chatter, laughter, and Jud’s Whoo hoos can stop others from getting into the head space they strive for, so it’s all good.
- Sometimes when you least expect it, someone, or two someone’s can enter your life and change it forever.
- Live your dreams no matter your age, laugh long, hard and often, love so much your heart might burst, and value those whom you can trust, for absolute loyalty without strings is rare.
Thank you my Loyal Lesbian, we love you.
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