Creating Balance in Your Domestic Discipline Relationship #WickedWednesday 26 comments


Because the prompt for Wicked Wednesday was balance, I decided to repost this article which sums up the need for balance in any D/s relationship.

The people who are involved in domestic discipline and power exchange relationships will often tell those who question their lifestyle choice that the addition of structure and discipline has brought them much closer. While there will always be naysayers and those who remain skeptical, those of us who live in these types of relationships will undoubtedly insist that it’s true. The act of giving guidance, creating structure, holding someone accountable, seeing to their every need including the need for discipline, creates a special bond. There are no long periods of resentment, unresolved anger, or holding on to things that fester and gnaw at a relationship. Issues arise, they are handled in a way that both people find not only acceptable, but desirable, and the problem is laid to rest.

Do DD couples argue? Actually no, my wife and I don’t. I give her a stern talking to in conjunction with any discipline, but there are no cutting words tossed out while fighting, because fights don’t occur. While I fuss when I get weary and she hasn’t held up her part of the relationship agreement, I do not belittle her or humiliate her, and I never punish when I am angry. Beauty can tell me things she feels need discussing, she can give her point of view, but that is all. She has given all the decision making over to me and we simply don’t argue. She may say “Yes but…” and I will listen, weigh her thoughts, and then decide, period. Do I ever make the wrong decision? Of course I do, but Beauty knows I did what I thought was best for both of us. I let her wrongs disappear as soon as any needed discipline is over, which most of the time it isn’t because she doesn’t get punished for mistakes, and when I make the wrong decisions she forgives me after I apologize.

Now some may say that isn’t fair. I don’t get spanked for bad decisions or the wrongs I commit. I would agree that it wasn’t fair if I was making decisions based only on how they would be the most beneficial for me, but I don’t. They are honest mistakes, and knowing that I made a bad choice that caused a negative result to happen to my family is a huge punishment for me. It isn’t a spanking that makes the hurt physical, but emotionally knowing I screwed up hurts badly. I take my role in the relationship very seriously. I am the provider and protector. Making all the choices when you do so with love, it really pains me when I mess up. I feel as if I let my family down. That’s why Beauty doesn’t get disciplined for making mistakes. We all make them, and she makes far less of them because she has my guiding hand in all she does. The weight of worry is lifted from her shoulders.

Domestic Discipline isn’t some kind of nirvana for those who give up control, but it does give the TiH a sense of peace because the major worries are my worries. Nothing can take away every single worry and bit of stress from anyone’s existence, but the structure and discipline DD relationships hinge on makes life easier for my wife and I. I do battle with the big stressors, and she fights all the little everyday battles that get on my every last nerve. I know I don’t have to worry about the prescriptions being picked up, the pets being taken to the vet, gas put in the car, or what’s for dinner. It’s all done.

One analogy I like to make, when trying to explain that Beauty does indeed like her role, is to equate it to what really made us feel stable and safe as kids. When we were children, it was the adults who cared enough to hold us accountable for our actions and gave us structure that made the biggest difference in our lives. As adults the same rings true. I am in no way equating a domestic discipline relationship with a relationship between a parent and child, but even when we were kids, we knew which people in our lives really made a difference even if their choices for us were unpopular. We all thought the kids who were allowed to do anything they wanted were the ones to envy, but being allowed to rush headlong into bad decisions sets people up to fail no matter what age they are, and so is allowing someone to think the world is all about them. It is those people who never learn from their mistakes, hurt others (including their families) by being selfish, and never grasp the importance of responsibility. Some of us thrive on being given structure and correction, and some of us thrive on providing it. Each role comes with responsibilities that help to give us self-worth.

To have self-esteem is one of the basic things we need in life for happiness. That saying about how you must love yourself before anyone else can love you is true, and DD relationships help foster self-respect. Many people don’t really understand the whole appeal of being submissive. How it can be a positive thing can be hard to grasp. There is much talk in the kink community about the gift of submission. Some like to use that term while others will roll their eyes or scoff. Whether Beauty’s submission is a gift is really irrelevant. The thing that matters is the fact that Beauty trusts me enough to hand over total control of her life to me. You can call it whatever you want, but what it comes down to is a huge affirmation of trust. That show of trust binds us. It gives us both a feeling of being important to each other, but that trust had to be earned.

I doubt many people would develop a sense of trust for someone who said one thing and did another, or a person who seemed to punish them harshly or with glee. When I discipline my wife it certainly doesn’t make me feel happy. The fact is that even though I enjoy impact play, I only discipline Beauty in instances where it must be done. There isn’t pleasure to be had and she knows it. Punishment is a somber thing in our home. It is done because I love her and she needs correction to keep her life in balance. It is because of the fact that I find no joy in spanking her as a means of discipline, and only punish her when it is justified, that she has given me her trust.

My wife knows I always have her best interest in the forefront of my mind when I make decisions. She knows that when I take the hairbrush to her bottom it’s because I care enough to correct her and to help her live up to her potential. She also knows that once she has been punished the slate is wiped clean. Being completely forgiven and having the wrong made right with a painful spanking that releases any pent up emotions or frustrations, and then being cuddled as I stroke her hair, both of us knowing the issue is done with, is freeing. I feel so much love for her as we cuddle, her nuzzling into my chest, my arms wrapped tightly around her. The naysayers can have their doubts; I know that it makes our marriage stronger.

I also make certain there is time set aside each week for us to sit down with the expressed purpose of speaking freely about any concerns either of us has. I set a schedule that makes certain she gets enough rest as well as one that provides time for her to relax with an activity she enjoys every day. All of these things nurture Beauty and our relationship. They show her I value her and care if she is happy. The intent of our relationship is about nurturing the body and the heart. Discipline is never given with the intent of belittling her. If you wish to have a DD relationship you must be prepared to punish with specific and loving intent. Always make it clear why your partner is receiving the chastisement. If you can’t verbalize the why of it, then perhaps the punishment isn’t justified. Your actions must have clear purpose. Don’t let the power of your position of dominant or HoH go to your head. You are not more important than your submissive or TiH.

Lastly, do not use an overly heavy hand when giving a punishment. That isn’t what punishment is about. Punishment isn’t fun, it doesn’t give either partner pleasure, but used correctly, it can help create a relationship that is rock solid. One where the TiH feels secure, and one where the HoH is confident, compassionate, loving, and fair. Find time for each other every day. Don’t take your submissive or TiH for granted. Listen to each other and have respect for each other’s needs. Don’t be demanding, and don’t be spiteful. None of those things are beneficial to any relationship. It is the dominant’s job to keep their partner grounded. When a punishment is over, let it go. Only revisit the misdeed if it occurs again. If things aren’t running smoothly, look to yourself first. Your partner follows your lead. Never forget that power can be a double edged sword that must be wielded with care. The success of any DD or power exchange relationship rests on the shoulders of the dominant and their ability to be ethical, just, compassionate, and loving.

A domestic discipline relationship is give and take. You must keep the balance through communication and remembering that your dominance is a job as much as the submissive partner’s chores are a job. Take and hold tight to your responsibility. If you nurture and love your partner, if your discipline with the intent to create harmony instead of punishing with anger and spite, if you listen, learn, admit when you are wrong, and never forget your dominance doesn’t make it all about you, you can create a bond that will withstand the naysayers and the chaos of your daily lives.

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About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly’s Top 100 Sex Bloggers.

Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship’s Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.


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