Consent, Age, and Personal Views
As most of us who are active in kink know, consent is EVERYTHING! I do not touch or become dominant towards anyone who has not verbally invited me to, has answered the question “Where can’t I touch you?” and has given consent to use a specified implement or have a play session involving X, Y, and Z. I also review the color system for play meaning green for keep going or more, yellow for I’m reaching the top of my tolerance, and red for stop right this second.
In my book, only those who are able to make that sort of decision can only give consent. Be it a young age, a lack of being able to communicate because of a language barrier, being incapacitate by drugs or alcohol, not being human, still being in subspace from previous play, or not being able to repeat what I just said I was going to do to them, takes away all consent. You cannot change your mind and agree to more during a play session either. When we are done and you are out of sub space we can talk it over with a clear head and decide what will occur next.
The above things have saved me all sorts of headaches over the years and have prevented situations where misunderstandings have left one or both of the people involved in a play session feeling crappy about what just occurred. As a dominant sadist, it is vital to my peace and happiness that I don’t ever leave anyone feeling abused. What I do when I engage in impact play is illegal in many states, and in the UK. I have no desire to be arrested for battery. There are a good many people I know who love to have a flogger, cane, or paddle session to want a partner who has not come into the session with both eyes wide open. Is doing careful legwork prior to play fun, exciting, or even remotely erotic? Nope, but it is a much needed aspect of any BDSM play.
Over the years, I have had many chances to play, invited submissive men to come to my home (I KNOW them) for CFNM parties, and taken on various submissives for short and long term needs, romantic and non romantic relationships. Those who have become my submissive romantic partners only do so after getting to know them and falling for them. Still, even with Beauty, I laid everything out as to what would be expected, required, rewarded, and receive punishment for before she did a single submissive act or we played. There was a whole lot of making out, but nothing that would be considered BDSM until we were ready and knew where we each were coming from.
Most of the play I am involved in is done at play parties at my home with people who are friends. I know them well enough to trust them in my home and near my wife. There is still conversation each time I play unless it’s with Jud who is virtually indestructible. The rest of my friends have to have the talk if we are going to use an implement that I haven’t used with them in the past. I am also very careful when I am educating someone on the use of canes, electricity, or impact implement. I go over safety numerous times, and if they are new to topping or dominance, I really stress safety and consent.
Now on to age. First let me say that I have zero issue with the new generation of kinksters as long as they act appropriately in public so as to not draw attention in a negative way when I am attending a munch. Newer generations don’t tend to have as much stability in their careers as those who are my age. Gone are the days when you work at the same place or company for 30 years. They also have Facebook and have grown up in the technology age. People will post just about anything about themselves or others. They will chat with strangers, they will post nude pictures that include their faces, or just pictures of themselves on Fetlife and some of the more dubious sites. Just the thought makes me shiver. With all the facial recognition software out there, I wouldn’t think of such a thing. My employer would fire me if it were known about my kink.
Consent to be photographed is an issue that many don’t think about and it is a reason we have avoided some of the big kink and BDSM events. I CANNOT be photographed and there are people who don’t respect that this is a hard limit for me. One can argue that people don’t know my hard limit. Very true, but I won’t go any place that doesn’t have a zero tolerance for cell phones policy. If phones are okay, we will not be there. If playful spanking in public happens, we will not be there. If loud conversations and discussion about BDSM topics are the norm, we will not be there. I often do not have a say in consent at public venues, so if the organizers do not see privacy as an issue, then we simply will not be there.
Okay, I said I was getting to age, and I am. I have had a need for various service submissives over the years. If I haven’t met someone suitable in my kink circle, I sometimes resort to an online search. Let me say that this is not the ideal way. In fact, it sucks. It often is a huge waste of time, but once in a while, you can find a gem among the bullshit. When I log in, my phone immediately starts binging and I am flooded with mail. Unfortunately, most are not even remotely suitable.
I have my mail controls set so that mail from anyone who lives more than 100 miles away or is under age 30, goes to bulk. Yes, I said thirty. Remember what I said above about younger kinksters. I have no issues with them as long as they have manners and an understanding of privacy, but I will not take on a submissive who is under thirty. I have two personas, well three actually if you count Jolynn Raymond, who is my author name. The other two who actually engage in seeking submissives to take on or to train will not touch anyone under thirty with a ten foot pole.
Wow, that sounds as if I am snubbing them, but I’m not. I have good reason why for me, under thirty doesn’t cut it. Don’t get your panties in a knot because of that. I’m nearing mid fifties so under thirty seems really young, and sometimes need a huge helping of maturity from the table of life.
- The young ones tend to have squirrel or shiny ball syndrome. “Ooh shiny, me want to try.” Yes, this is how one learns what they like. This is also how one learns what they don’t like. I don’t want anyone’s party service done on their knees or their first time trying electricity to become a “Oh, that Mistress Inara was so terrible to me and hurt me.” I also don’t want to be left empty handed by someone who changes their mind after I’ve spent time and energy on them, to go and follow the next shiny ball that enters their world. Older people just tend to be more at terms with what they want, and with the importance of commitment.
- Anyone who writes me who is under twenty-five means a red flag for me. Sure I can get shiny ball syndrome and think how pretty, sweet, strong, or appealing a kid 25 or younger is, but there is just too much chance that they are a) underage, or b) Mom and dad will find out what their baby is up to and cause trouble. My kink life is serene. No one’s daddy needs to say that the evil Mistress took their baby (yes, even a baby who is of legal age) down to her dungeon. No one is going to label me a predator, EVER.
- Under 30 are still figuring out what makes them tick. I’m not saying that ta-da the gates open and anyone over thirty sees the light and knows just what they want, but 30 and up are much more settled in their vanilla life even if the whole BDSM thing is new. I want a submissive who is comfortable in their own skin. Hell, they may be trotting around my home nude, so they had better be.
- Under thirty tend to be among the no limit slaves more often than over thirty who have lived life a bit longer. I absolutely hate it when I see a profile where the person says they are a no limit slave. First of all, you are honestly telling strangers that you are a no limits kind of person. I can understand that after you meet and get to know your ideal master. You have many conversations over expectations, desires, and needs and come to a mutual thinking and feeling of hey, we are right for each other. Even then, you aren’t really no limit. You can be willing to go to the ends of the Earth to please your owner, but you expect your Mistress or Master to feed you even if it’s dog food, take you to the doctor if you break a bone, get very ill, or develop an infection that won’t go away without antibiotics like pneumonia. Secondly, the younger ones tend to think no limits is romantic and shows just how devoted they are, but I see it as looking at the world through rosy glasses or not using common sense. I mean really, no limits? You consent to absolutely anything? Mister or Mistress Sadist can cut your dick or your fingers off with a rusty and dull hack saw blade sloooowly? They can feed you Draino just because they want to watch you suffer as the acid eats your guts? When it comes down to it, no limits has everything to do with consent. If you don’t know that you should. Do not give up limits or consent before you know someone backwards, forwards, sideways, and inside out. I am a sadist and know these things, so trust me and have meaningful conversations before you give up your limits and your consent.
- I’m getting older and while I am not too self-conscious about my looks, and don’t fuss about wrinkles, I am older and saggier that those under thirty. Yes I know, I’m saggier than those over thirty too, but though they are nice to look at, perky little titties bouncing around and sleek physique all buff and hard cast light on how far I am from the body that used to have these qualities.
- I’m not your mommy. I don’t enjoy the thrill of the chase, and I have zero interest in playing games. I want a reliable submissive who follows directions and doesn’t get on my nerves. The young ones are clingy, easily offended, and jealous which is ludicrous because from the start I say I am monogamous, married, and will never be anyone’s one and only.
- I write books and posts to teach and to help. I am very dedicated to sex and kink education, but the does not include hands on unless you are a close friend. Come to a class, write me for advice, read my books and tutorials because I am very conservative with my time, trust, energy, and have strict issues about hands on and age.
My best service submissives have been older guys. They are reliable, hard working, well mannered, knowledgeable, and genuinely happy just to be of service with no play attached. I have not come across a true service sub, by which I mean, truly does not want to engage in other aspects of BDSM in men and women under thirty. I know there are older kinksters who enjoy the young shiny balls and all that comes with them, but I am happy with the comfort and pleasure I feel when being served by someone who truly fits into my kink family, and for now, that person has to be over thirty. That’s just the way it is in my world. Accept it or shoo, we are a no drama zone.