Why You Should Accept “Those” Kinks 30 comments


First I want to thank everyone who liked the BDSM and Aftercare post. It really took a great tour around the blogging world. It showed me that yes, Google’s new approach is working to get things out there, but those interested in kink and the importance of safety and knowledge do the job best. So again, thank you all for sending the Aftercare post hopping about.

I have contacted several friends and invited them to write guest posts for this blog on subjects that I either have no experience with, or don’t feel I can speak in a voice that rings true. For those of us who live a kinky lifestyle, what we do, and who we are is part of the fabric woven into our lives. It doesn’t represent us, and it isn’t all there is to us, but it certainly is part of who we are. Along with being trustworthy, intelligent, honest, nurturing, and supportive, I am also bossy, opinionated, outspoken, and demanding. Those are both the good and the bad of me, but there are other things that I am as well that makes me neither good or bad. They are my kinks and my roles in the BDSM life we lead.

I have chosen to take on the title of Mistress. I am dominant. There are no blurred lines there. I am dominant in my love relationship, dominant to those who choose to serve me, and dominant to the core. No, I don’t go about at munches or events with my nose in the air expecting submissives who I don’t know and who aren’t mine to cater to me. I am not their Mistress, so that would be rude and presumptuous. The other main title I have in BDSM is that of being a sadist. Yep, I get pleasure from hurting people, and I have zero issues with this desire. I don’t question myself and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I came to terms with it a long time ago. I don’t fear my dark side. On the contrary, I embrace it. How is that possible? I can love the part of me that enjoys inflicting pain, because I only hurt people who love to be hurt. I am not a sadistic deviant who goes about capturing and hurting innocent people. I hurt those who ask me to hurt them. I give them pleasure, releasing endorphins that give them a high, while at the same time getting a huge dose of having the ultimate control, releasing stress, and receiving an adrenaline rush myself.

I am telling you readers this because I want to speak about why we should be accepting of the kinks that are often misunderstood, spoken negatively about, scary and therefore deserving of scorn because we don’t understand them, or down right disrespected. While being sadistic is a kink that is widely accepted, others are not so fortunate if their BDSM needs must be met with other, less ‘popular’ kinks. As I frequently say, if you aren’t being negatively affected because of someone’s fantasy or kink, leave it alone. You have zero right to be condescending or disrespectful. It may not be your kink, but those who find pleasure in it have a right to feel that way and do what they do.

So exactly what am I talking about here? Who are these people who many see as deviants? Who are those who are misunderstood? The people who practice cross dressing, men who are submissive, those who are Littles, those who engage in Daddy and babygirl relationships, adult babies, those who like golden showers, and yes, even those who find satisfaction in scat. Regardless of whether I find these fetishes either not my cup of tea or downright icky, it doesn’t matter. No one is forcing me to play with poo, and those who do never do it in a public dungeon, so they are not inflicting their kink on me.

Submissive men are misunderstood. Somehow someway, people have gotten the idea in their heads that submissive men are weak. I mean how on earth could a man want to lessen their masculinity by being controlled by a woman. I mean we are supposed to be the weaker sex right? Therefore all submissive men must be sissies, push overs, or in general pussy whipped. Wrong. Many submissive men have no interest in sissy play, and even if they adore wearing women’s lingerie it doesn’t make them weak. I know some pretty masculine submissive men, but even if I didn’t, why do some think it’s okay to disrespect an entire sub group of kinsters?

I have never had a relationship with a Little but I know people who identify as one. They range in mental, take note of the word mental, age of 2 to 9. Being a Little or having a relationship with a Little does not mean you like kink with children. I don’t really understand the whole thing, but I do know these people find their joy in being able to be a kid again in their mind and in their relationships. Simply because I do not understand them does not mean I can disrespect them. There will be a post on this lifestyle role written by someone who does understand, and who in fact lives their private life as a Little in order to help clear up misconceptions.

The same issues that come up with Littles arises with the Daddy Dom and babygirl aspect. Again, I don’t know much about this as it isn’t my thing. What I do know is that Daddy and babygirl relationship does not involve children, and they don’t mean that those who choose the role of Daddy Dom would really prefer to play with little or teenage girls. There are nuances in the relationship, one wants to nurture and the other be taken care of. One likes to be the disciplinarian and one the sometimes bratty kid. I see similarities between other D/s relationships and Daddy Dom and babygirl. Many ‘regular’ D/s relationships are built on nurturing, taking care of, disciplining, supporting, relying upon, being taken care of, etc. too. Again, I say it and say it loudly. Don’t disrespect what you don’t understand.

Men who love women’s clothing, make up and wigs aren’t weak or deserving of disrespect. Transgendered people certainly aren’t either. I personally don’t like pee play or clown play, but hey, as long as it isn’t done in my house then why or why should I be negative about it? Medical play is a kink I haven’t experience with and simply do not really get. I don’t like to go to the doctor, but I am betting those who do like medical play don’t particularly enjoy going to the doctor either. Your doctor is not your play partner so the kink element or the little thing inside that feeds on the fantasy is missing. Masochists don’t like all pain, and sadists don’t like inflicting all pain. I haven’t met a masochist who enjoyed labor and giving birth, or got all wet and excited getting a root canal, but even if they did, so what? As long as they don’t pull their dentist into a kink scene then no harm done.

All this boils down to fear of the unknown, and so I am going to attempt to educate my readers as well as receiving information that is new to me as well. We need to keep an open mind. Those who don’t want to are in a sad state in my book. Life long learning is vital to keep us wise, accepting, and generally humane. Bigotry isn’t okay. Disrespecting something that doesn’t hurt you isn’t okay. Being rude to someone just because they like to wear panties or even diapers isn’t okay, so please come along for the ride as I welcome my guest posters who have agreed to shed light on ‘those’ kinks in an effort to educate others and be better understood.

About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Bloggers. Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship's Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.

30 thoughts on “Why You Should Accept “Those” Kinks

  • Maren Smith

    Reblogged this on Maren Smith and commented:
    Very well-stated. This is a wonderful message that just doesn’t get said often enough in my opinion. It’s perfectly okay to know what you want in regards to your own kink. It’s just as perfectly fine to know what you don’t want, and yet, too many people seem to think that everything they know and want is the ‘right’ way to do BDSM and if you don’t fall within their normal, then you’re doing it ‘wrong’. I said it in one of my books and I’ll say it again, because it’s another one of those too-little said truths: The big wide world of BDSM has many nuances and flavors and passions. As long as it is safe, sane and consensual for all parties involved, there is no wrong way to do it.

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this, Jolynn.

  • Maren Smith

    Very well-stated. This is a wonderful message that just doesn’t get said often enough, in my opinion. It’s perfectly to know what you want in regards to your own kink. It’s just as perfectly fine to know what you don’t want, and yet, too many people seem to think that everything they know and want is the ‘right’ way to do BDSM and if you don’t fall within their normal, then you’re doing it ‘wrong’. I said it in one of my books and I’ll say it again, because it’s another one of those little said truths: The big wide world of BDSM has many nuances and flavors and passions. As long as it is safe, sane and consensual, there is no wrong way to do it.

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this, Jolynn. I’m reblogging, and because I haven’t figured out how to disable it, it’s probably going to post this here twice when I do. 🙁 sorry.

    • Jolynn Raymond

      I appreciate your insightful comment as well as the reblogging. It is my hope that perhaps people will do the hard thing and look at themselves as well as at others when reading about different kinks and relationships. Thank you for stopping by.

  • Jolynn Raymond

    Glad you dropped by Joelle. We tend to forget the whole safe, sane, and consensual aspect when we see something that scares us, squicks us out, or just don’t understand. Education is knowledge. My first guest post will be up on Thursday. I actually don’t have too much knowledge about enema play except when it comes to prep to anal play. Maybe we’ll have to set up a guest post.

  • Joelle Casteel

    Thank you for the wonderful article, Jolynn. It is sad how often “we” get into judgment. You’d think in the BDSM community we’d do better, but over the last 20 years, I’ve not found that the case. I was talking with a friend about a scene in a book of mine that focuses primarily on enema play and some femdom humiliation. I described to her what constituted to the scatplay in the scene and her response, that’s all? I look forward to the series 🙂

  • Molly

    Great piece of writing and I love your attitude. I am a submissive woman. I have many kinks that other people don’t ‘get’ just as they have kinks that I don’t get but I respect their choices and am always interested to read and learn more about what makes people tick. More information is definitely the way to go and I look forward to reading some of your guest posts


    • Jolynn Raymond

      Thank you Molly. I think it’s great that you want to learn about new things. Life is about learning and growing. Some things you learn about aren’t your cup of tea, some are, but regardless acceptance is best. Knowledge helps us understand.

  • serafinasamadhi

    Well stated- Master and I live the D/s lifestyle 24/7 . As a slave I am no less a powerful woman than the nest person or a Domme even! it is a power exchange. I also like that we ought to be less disdaining towards “not my kink”. The one exception where, I think, we ought to be less tolerant is towards incredible obese and unhealthy lifestyles that so many have allowed to become. It is one thing to be accepting, and quite another to be so relaxed as to become so unhealthy physically.
    That isn’t to say we are the picture perfect ourselves- far from it- but we aren’t ignoring the fact in order to have the kind of interaction we want and over the rest of our life it is going to take a good deal of effort! More so the older we get!

    • Jolynn Raymond

      We each have a role in our power exchange and would not be able to have a power exchange relationship if we didn’t have the other half. My wife is my submissive but she is not weak, I do my best not to judge anyone regardless of their life choices. Until I am able to walk in their shoes I can never know why or how they came to be as they are. Unless someone is harming me and mine, their kinks are none of my business. Thank you for commenting. It’s much appreciated.

  • Jolynn Raymond

    Yes, safe, sane, and consensual. I would add legal, but there are odd boundaries there. Impact play is not legal everywhere and neither is the play of anal aficionados. This then goes back to those who are able to legally give their consent. Thanks for commenting.

  • hissierra9

    So true! Whether I just don’t understand someone’s kink, or think it’s gross for me, if consenting adults want to do ANY activity together, more power to them.

  • Marie Rebelle

    Thanks for an interesting post and voicing things that many of us try to get out there too. And thanks for allowing Mia to reblog it for Wicked Wednesday, which will definitely expand your reach.

    Rebel xox

    • Jolynn Raymond

      They are very excited. I stop at your blog and enjoyed your piece on high protocol. It is honestly right up there with other kinks that receive scorn now days. While I live my day to day life with medium protocol in my house, I have always respected those who felt that high protocol was right for them. I’d like to speak more on the subject and the possibilities of a guest post.

  • SouthernSir

    I am amazed sometimes in a community that is supposed to be so accepting can in some cases be so closed minded. Yes, the community has evolved over the years as more people are aware of it and now you have your Furries, Primals, DD/lg, among others. They are all part of the whole, as long as the primary concept of Safe, Sane, and Consensual is practiced there is no reason why we can’t all just get along.

    • Jolynn Raymond

      I agree. We embrace the kink community because wow, here are people like us. Then as with all groups of people, those who simply can’t accept people who are different come creeping out. I have to say that I don’t see too much prejudice out at munches and events, but the amount of crap people fling at those who enjoy things they can’t understand is disheartening. Thanks for the comment. I am looking forward to posting both your and you babygirl’s articles here.

  • Jolynn Raymond

    Absolutely Mia. I’d like to have this post read by as many people as possible, not only because of the idea that we need to be accepting, but because I wish to set the stage for my guest posters. Thank you.

  • Jolynn Raymond

    You are very welcome Marybeth. I hope that if you do indeed take the leap, that you will consider my wife and I people to whom you can look to for information. I mean that besides the book and the posts, you are welcome to write us. We are both quite active in the kink community and really enjoy helping others learn.

  • Marybeth

    Jolynn, I so agree with you. At the moment, I am only in the reading phase, but I may, someday, try to practice D/s with my husband. That does not mean I am need his OK on everything, it means the thought of submitting turns me on. And, I would never disrespect someone else’s choices. Who they are and what they practice is their business. Thanks for a thought provoking post. Marybeth

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