A Question From Ask Jolynn 2 comments

This came from yesterday’s mailbag


So as apart of my punishment my Dom wants me to post and figure out what my punishment for breaking the rules should be so if you could help me fulfill this assignment it would be very helpful. I was granted permission to visit family on my own out of town and missed four check ins and mouthed off while I was there and was disrespectful to my Dom and when I got back I received my punishment but even then so I wasn’t thinking and took my collar off without asking first, and I was to turn in a assignment when I got back of all the things I had done while I was gone that I needed to be punished for and I didn’t so now my Dom wants me to decide my punishments and I am to ask for help on what it should be and I can’t come back with something mild either if its not severe and I don’t give a real punishment my punishment will be even more severe.

Thanks sincerely, Bretagne unterwürfig


First and foremost, I will not make your assignment easier by simply listing a number of fitting punishments (severe ones that are wank material). You seem hell bent of misbehaving and should have consequences that you need to figure out on your own. Having the answer handed to you won’t make much of an impression. If you have to think long and hard about what would be fitting, then perhaps you will think twice about breaking the rules. On the other hand, your Dom should know you and what you like and dislike and therefore should not feel the need to tell you to come up with your own punishment. This guessing game of will it be severe enough is silly. He needs to be creative and you need to show respect.

What I see from your letter is a relationship with a messed up power exchange. I am not blaming anyone here, but unless you identified as a submissive brat when you and your Dom entered into this relationship, you are going well beyond what is acceptable. If you did identify as a brat, then your Dom must understand that HE is the one who took you on, bratty ways and all, so HE should be the one to take you in hand and decide on a punishment that will not only make you regret your actions, but also will help you learn. If I were your Mistress you would be out the door. Your pattern of misbehavior, disrespect, and failure to learn from an assignment or punishment signifies a serious lack of communication or a submissive who really doesn’t care for or respect her dominant. If you have no respect for him, then you shouldn’t be in the relationship. I will not tolerate brattiness or subs that feel I must force them to obey. You do or you don’t. It’s that simple. You would be handed the ultimatum of getting yourself in line and following the rules that were set for you, or walking away.

I can’t possibly guess what would be severe enough for you when I don’t know you at all. If you are a huge masochist then physical pain won’t do a thing. If you love humiliation, public posting won’t do a thing, if you don’t mind writing, writing a list of wrongs won’t do a thing. And while I’m speaking or lists, IMO you should recite your wrongs orally. Simply listing them is silly. It doesn’t make much of an impression verse telling of them directly while facing your Dom, would. You seriously committed so many acts of disobedience while you were out of town for a bit? You are an adult, either you have too many rules or zero self control. Beauty behaves even when I am not at her side, not because she fears punishment, but because she doesn’t want to disappoint me. Where is your desire to please and be submissive?

There are a million and one ways to punish, but the most severe and proper one must come from you. Think for yourself, make a decision to show respect and care about what your Dom wishes, or forget it. You need to communicate and figure out WHY you can’t behave, not what punishment will make you behave. Some dominants like a sub who must be forced rather than submit freely, I am not one of those dominants, so I won’t take part in something you both need to figure out. A power exchange relationship needs:







common sense


sincere desire to please

sincere desire to lead and make decisions





About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Bloggers. Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship's Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.

2 thoughts on “A Question From Ask Jolynn

  • Michele Clem

    I think there may be some confusion here and for that I apologize because that is on my end, I should have explained a little further, this is a new Dom/sub relationship and I was out of town longer than just a bit, I was gone a whole week or so which was almost a punishment in itself to be away from HER btw not a him, I’m a lesbian. There is not a problem of my desire to please my Dom and I don’t want to disappoint her either, I’m not making excuses but nobody is perfect and there was a lot of different things going on while I was out of town on both ends and like I said this is the beginning stage of a new relationship and I let what was happening get the best of me and I slipped up and I am disappointed in myself, every relationship has a problem come up but this is really the only one that has become a issue for us, we have talked about it and why I did what I did and how I was feeling when I did it and what was going on and I am not allowed to take anymore trips without her which I think is for the best anyways……..I knew I would find my own answer to what the punishment should be in posting and replying and I am sure my Dom knew I would come to that realization as well, she usually does. The only fitting punishment I can think of is my Dom ignoring me, and suffer the punishment of her ignoring me and not getting her time and attention now that I am back in town that’s all I want and denying me that is a fitting punishment for what I’ve done. Thanks for your help and for the record this is extremely unusual behavior for me and I am far from a bratty sub and always otherwise well behaved and respectful and obedient, especially more than the rest of the 23yr olds I know, granted they aren’t a sub. I love the site btw lots of good advice and your replies are always helpful and educational.

    Sent from my iPhone

    • Jolynn Raymond

      Thank you for your clarification. I will preach again what I always do, communication. You have the desire to please her and with guidance you will be able to do better. I suspect that this exercise was a means to make you reflect on your behavior and to grow and learn.

      No one is perfect be they Dom of sub. We all make mistakes, it is the reason for the negative behavior that must be discussed and examined. Talk about the things that triggered your behavior. You can come up with ways for you to react to the triggers in the future so you can make better choices.

      I’m glad you enjoy my blog. From the beginning it has been meant as a place to learn. Go to her, apologize yet again, and ask if you can speak freely. You are correct that being ignored or losing contact is the worst possible punishment for someone who truly wants to be a good girl.

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