Seriously? Kinky People Use Special Manners? 2 comments

Seriously? Kinky People Use Special Manners?
by Jolynn Raymond

Consider this a public service announcement on etiquette. I know I have written on the subject of what newbies into kink need to know, and I also know I’ve mentioned manners, but as new people arrive in my kink community every day, this needs to be addressed so those who are not in the know can be enlightened.

If you’re poking around on Fetlife or Collarspace (<— Not a good place), you need manners even though those you meet on Collarspace may very well not be who they say. Collarspace is not a great go to place to meet real people into kink. Sorry, I could regress for hours on that evil. What I want you to know is:

1. When approaching a woman on the internet be they a submissive or a dominant. DON’T hit on them with purely sexual emails, send them cock shots that haven’t been requested, and don’t call us Dominants Mistress. I am not your Mistress. You have not earned that privilege. Why shouldn’t you go in leading with all the things you want me to do to you or what you’d like to do with that cute submissive? Because it’s rude and a turnoff. You come off seemingly to be a ‘me, me, me’ sub or a pervert who doesn’t get that kinky women are not women that play and fuck everyone.

2. Fetlife is a great resource. I know you want to find your one and only or a play partner, but read up on the things that interest you. Smart is attractive. Having skills in impact play, bondage, aftercare, being a good Daddy, or whatever else you are into makes you more attractive. There are also groups with non kinky folks. These will help you meet people too.

3. Get out from behind the computer. Do you really want to spend all that time emailing and chatting just to be suddenly dumped because the person was a troll or an emotional sadist?

4. If you are the one playing games and hurting people by building their hopes up and then vanishing. Stop that. Remember, Karma is a bitch.

Speaking of getting out there. Let’s talk about a munch.

What the heck is a munch? It’s a get together of kinky people to socialize and have fun. It is NOT a play party. It is NOT a place to get a spanking or live out your fantasy. It is not a pickup place for swingers or anyone else. When you arrive at a munch the kinksters there will look like regular people, and that is the point. People who go to munches are mindful of what they do, and their level of voice when talking about kinky stuff. They blend in, and they WANT to blend in. Manners help us hide in plain site. Proper behavior means we can talk to our kinky friends without being identified as kinky, so any type of kinky behavior is off limits because it would garner unwanted attention.

Here’s the way to go about it if you want to attend but are shy or leery. Look on Fetlife for groups and munches in your area. If you don’t live in a place big enough for a munch, trust me, it is worth the drive to someplace that is. I, a woman alone who had just gotten out of a bad relationship, when into a bar by myself to attend my first munch. If I can do it, so can anyone else. I may be self-assured and confident, but I wasn’t that night. I did some things before hand to make it easier, though.

1. I wrote to the host of the munch, told him a little about me, and explained that I would be arriving alone and would appreciate him looking out for me. That way I would ‘know’ someone when I arrived. He welcomed me and then introduced me to someone I had things in common with. I did the same with a couple of other people. I didn’t contact them as potential partners, just friends.
2. When you are at a munch, there are things you should not do. Seriously, you’ll get booted if you are inappropriate. How do you know what isn’t allowed? There is usually something on the get together’s group page, or just read up in preparation. The group’s leader will happily answer questions.

Let’s do it this way. I’ll make a list of ‘Do This, Not That’.

Do be polite. Kinky people have something called protocol, and it runs from low to high. It has to do with their relationships, especially the D/s ones, and can mean someone is a slave who isn’t allowed to speak, or a submissive who is under a specific set of rules that govern what they do and who they talk to. If a person has a collar on, they are owned. Tread lightly. Becoming friends will most likely not be off limits, but you need to ask before you touch and be respectful when engaging in conversation.

Do introduce yourself politely. Don’t put on airs and proudly claim you are a dominant or a master. Nobody cares, and nobody is going to serve you.

Do use the manners your mother taught you when speaking with women. Don’t get all pushy, talk about having sex, or hitting on them lewdly. You will be kicked out. A munch is a safe place to meet other kinksters to have fun and talk, not a meat market or a place you can fish in a barrel for a submissive. If you wouldn’t act towards another person in a manner you would with vanilla people, just don’t do it.

Do share your interests, but don’t make your kink be the center of your world or conversation. It is not part of my world. I do not want to talk about how you love CBT for hours. Mentioning it is fine, interjecting your desire for CBT every chance you get is not.

Do ask if touching/hugging is okay. Don’t touch someone, talk about their anatomy or make them feel like you are going to touch them inappropriately. Some of the people at a munch are owned by another. Some people have triggers and prefer not to be touched, and just because someone else hugs my wife, does not mean it’s okay for you to if you are a stranger. Touching breasts, bottoms, and crotches is a no no. You are in public, act accordingly.

Taking pictures of any kind is a huge no. Cell phones should be put away. I know it’s hard to put down the electronics, but people go to munches expecting safety from the world knowing they are kinky.

Kinky people do talk about kinky things; we laugh about scenes we’ve done, and get playful and silly with friends. The key word there is friends. We are going to be a bit reserved when we first meet you. Just like with other things in life, people want to have trust before opening up about the things they like to do behind closed doors. You will be openly welcomed, but don’t dive into kinky conversation.

Yes, we are kinky. Yes, we know how to have fun in ways most people don’t understand.  Do come out and get involved in munches and classes. It’s the best way to learn and meet people. It’s okay to be nervous if you’re new. We understand. It will be the best thing you can do for yourself. Trust me, when you realize you are surrounded by people who don’t think you are a pervert or weird, you will know you have come home. Just mind your manners!