Guest Post On Polyamory by rdhdbtrfly

Guest Post On Polyamory by rdhdbtrfly

This is the fourth in the series of guest posts that we will be doing on this blog. I have never been in a poly relationship. My friend rdhdbtrfly (that is her Fetlife name) has lived in various polyamory relationships and is currently in one now, so she is a good source of information on the topic. These relationships are hard to make work because you are dealing with not two, but three or more personalities. People have many ideas about what poly is and what it means. The following article is from her point of view. Your mileage may vary. I will add my own comments at the end. Comments are encouraged, discussion is fabulous, anything bordering on rude will be deleted. Please respect the dynamic she has chosen for herself. Have an open mind, learn something new, and help spread the word about the very positive relationships and aspects of BDSM.

What is Polyamory?

By Rdhdbtrfly

 While each of us have different answers to this question I will do my best to explain some of the answers to that question (as I understand them) and share with you my experience in what makes a “Poly” relationship work and what will Kill it.

Polyamory: from the greek ‘poly’ for  ‘many’ and the latin ‘amor’ for ‘love’ – literally means ‘many loves’

Polyamory is a term that means ‘many loves’.  It does not imply that people are looking to marry multiple people (nor does it exclude that they may). Those loves may be explored in a variety of relationship styles – from dating, to living together, to raising kids together, group marriages or any combination thereof. I would even go so far to say that polygamy can be considered a form of polyamorous relationship.  But the term polyamory itself does not set up a goal or ideal of marriage. Marriage commitments may or may not play a role in the practice of polyamory.”…. Polyamory can be described as gender egalitarian. Sure, a polyamorous relationships may be one man and multiple females – but it’s by the choice of each involved, not because of lifestyle expectations or gender roles.  In polyamory, women and men have the opportunity for equal status and choice in the matter of relationships. It’s not uncommon at all for a woman to have multiple boyfriends (and/or girlfriends), for a guy to have boyfriends and girlfriends, etc. Or for a couple to date another couple or a single together. Sure, when you combine BDSM with polyamory, you may get a dominant figure with multiple submissives… but this is far from the “norm” in the polyamory I’ve encountered. And that dominant figure can just as easily be a female as it can a male. And yes, there may be hierarchy within the practice of polyamory, such as using labels like ‘primary’ partner to describe a partner(s) who gets priority over others – but there are not determined by gender roles alone. (

In the BDSM community we see all types of poly relationships. Even Poly families.  There are V type poly relationships where one Dominant has 2 submissive that have little or no contact yet know about each other. And there are triangle relationships where all three persons have relationships with each other. When those basic 3 branch out you end up with a Family tree effect so to speak. When you combine BDSM with polyamory, you may get a dominant figure with multiple submissives… but this is far from the “norm” in the polyamory I’ve encountered. And that dominant figure can just as easily be a female as it can a male. And yes, there may be hierarchy within the practice of polyamory, such as using labels like ‘primary’ partner to describe a partner(s) who gets priority over others – but there are not determined by gender roles alone. And there are poly relationships where submissives are equal.

As I have No experience with the branching out I will be speaking from my experience as part of a poly relationship both the threesome V and triangle type BDSM relationships with one Dominant and 2 submissives.

All of us have multiple loves. It starts as a child and as we grow we love more people. At some point in most our lives we were expected to find that One love to settle down with and spend our lives together. Some people do well with that, but many don’t. We have been able to develop multiple loves with more than one person. In the alternative lifestyle this may be anything from a service, play type relationship to one that is sexual and even romantic. It is all different levels of love.

In my experience the BEST way to make a Poly relationship work is OPEN communication! Every relationship has to be Honest and open. If there is a lack of trust, understanding or communication a poly relationship will not work.

Jealousy is another very hard thing to deal with in a poly relationship. Jealousy can be helped and possibly fixed in a poly relationship if all partners know their roles and where they stand in a relationship. Are the submissive all treated as equals? Is there a primary and secondary? A strong Dom can deal with Jealousy and put a stop to it as long as He/She is aware of it. When a submissive holds feelings of jealousy in or hides them they will eventually blow and show all of their feelings. Jealousy can often be fixed with clarification of relationships and reassurance of the relationship where the problem is.


As stated by rdhdbtrfly, we all have different ideas about poly relationships. I have always thought of them as being both partners have chosen to have other relationships as well as their primary relationship. By relationship, I mean sexual. Sometimes it is a group of three who truly love each other on an almost equal basis, the almost being adding a D/s factor. I only know of one relationship like this that is truly working and all involved are content. rdhdbtrfly is in a different type and it works for her and her Sir. I have never thought of myself as poly though I have various BDSM relationships, because I have only one loving, sexual relationship and that is with my wife. While I have play partners and service submissives, we are not romantic or intimate, though I may love them with a friend type love.

One other observation I have is that the younger crowd seems to be more open to having poly relationships. If everyone involved has open communication, trust, and safe sex, then it can work. The type I see working the best are either the kind rdhdbtrfly has which is a male dominant and two submissive females, or a male dominant, a submissive female, and a female slave. I will say that in some instances, I see people (about 70% men) who want to call their relationships poly because they see it as a means to justify having multiple partners and therefore being able to have sex with many without the stigma of being a cheat or the trouble of sneaking around. I may get call on this observation, but it is my opinion.

Many of those involved in this kind of relationships have partners that come and go quickly and are not all that loving or equal. As said, these can work and they can be pretty much long term, but I do think some take advantage of the term or idea of poly being a green light to be in many relationships without giving proper care to the emotional and physical needs of all partners. I am not trying to disrespect other’s kinks, I just feel it is necessary that those involved are honest and have the other partners’ best interests at heart, otherwise they are being cheated even if it is well known that other partners are part of the equation. Rdhdbtrfly stated that jealousy can be the major issue in the ruining of a poly relationship, and I agree. Some people just aren’t wired to have the person they love be with other partners. I have seen couples go down that road and find an emotion train wreck. Sometimes it may be because the submissive wife who has another partner gets sub frenzy and the extra partner becomes more important than the primary one, sometimes it’s because one partner in the relationship finds they simply cannot refrain from being jealous or having hurt feelings like they thought they could. It can be for many reasons, and open communication can help. I think if I were to decide on having a poly relationship with Beauty, we would state that we (Beauty and I) come before any other person who might be brought in. Even then, I just don’t see it happening. I am too possessive and apparently didn’t learn to share well in kindergarten.

My thanks to rdhdbtrfly for her input on this topic. She has and currently does make this type of relationship work. We have all been in the situation where we have loved or at least been infatuated with more than one person at a time. Most of us were brought up feeling as if we had to chose and have only one mate, for some, that notion doesn’t ring true.

If you feel you can speak intelligently on a topic I haven’t covered, let me know. I am looking for someone to do  guest posts on latex, CBT, single tailing, bondage (shibari), and pony or puppy play. Please contact me if you feel you can compose a post that speaks frankly on these topics as well as speaks about safety.

About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Bloggers. Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship's Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.

0 thoughts on “Guest Post On Polyamory by rdhdbtrfly

  • Lily

    I wanted to tell you about my experience with a poly relationship. I’m choosing my words very carefully though. My words aren’t intended to offend anyone. They are coming from my experience and feelings. I apologize right if anyone is offended though.

    I would rather be alone than be in a poly relationship ever again. It has nothing to do with jealousy at all. It stems from lies, being personally bashed because of new lies, attempted manipulation of me, broken trust, my partners obsession, and my unwillingness to be forced into a relationship with someone that has an STD/STI.
    I strongly agree with a statement that Jolynn made. It seems like it’s rampant with the early 40’s and younger. I’ve spoken with a very close lifestyle friend who has been in the lifestyle many, many years. He agrees that it’s just an excuse to have sex with others and not be seen as a cheater.
    After speaking with several over the last two or so years, there is a high incidence of STD/STI’ s. My feelings are, I came into this world clean, I’m clean still, and I’m hoping to leave this world clean. But it’ll be my choice if I don’t. It won’t be something that is forced on me because I’m told that I have to accept it.

    Poly is great for many. But I will never do it again as I previously stated.

    • Rdhdbtrfly

      You are absolutely right NO relationship should be one you are Forced into.With STD and STI’s rampant It is of Utmost importance that Everyone be open and honest with everyone in a poly relationship. I myself will ONLY Practice Safe Sex when involved with others. Granted No Matter How much I trust the person I am with, if it is a poly relationship then I am also sharing bodily fluids with anyone they are sharing fluids with. Poly works Great for some and not at all for others.

      • Jolynn Raymond

        I appreciate you taking part in the discussion. I agree with Rdhdbtrfly that no relationship that you are forced into can be any good. All parties in poly relationships have to be honest, trustworthy, open, and agreeable to what is taking place. I have known of a good many poly relationships between our friends, and even the ones I think are really positive and strong have their share of troubles and break ups like other relationships. I think communication and consent is key. Thank you both for having this discussion. It was done with manners and respect which is exactly what I am hoping for here.

    • Rdhdbtrfly

      You are Welcome Phoenix, Poly amourous relationships are difficult and NOT meant for everyone. Like Jolynn said It isn’t meant for everyone and can leave some emotional Train wrecks out of people (myself included at one time)

  • Sionna

    I’m in my 60’s and don’t recall hearing the term polyamory until a few years ago. Certainly I’d discussed sexual variations, and tried a few, when I was in my 20’s and 30’s.
    Now I more carefully discuss possibilities before plunging in. Polyamory has been considered, just has not worked for me (yet).
    rdhdbtrfly: I’m glad you had the courage to create and post this discussion. Sorry I didn’t post; thought it would reveal my identity and email address. Once again, I’ve been wrong and am fine with that. Anonymity is important..We know discretion and trust.

    • Jolynn Raymond

      I’m glad you commented on this. it is a valid type of relationship that needs to be recognized. As long as those in the relationship are recognized then others shouldn’t judge. I am reposting this piece as it came out before I began the series of regular guest posts.