Are you sex positive or sex negative?
Being Sex Positive: Guest Post by The Kitty
Kitty is a person with an infectious personality. She is a very positive person who gives the vibe of let’s do what will be really great for everyone involved. She doesn’t shy away from things and is open to suggestions, and she truly cares about her play partners. She enjoys a number of different kinds of play that include but aren’t limited to strap-on play to blood play. This post talks more about the blood play than the strap-on, but it also talks about her forward thinking sex positive attitude. When discussing her kinks, Kitty talks about enjoying bloodplay, and while the focus is on her and her attitudes in general, it does include aspects of her kinks.
That said, neither the writer of the post nor the hostess of the blog will be held liable for anything anyone does after reading this article. You are all adults. I know vampires are huge now, but blood play must be done by someone who has been trained in the safety aspects by someone who knows what they are doing. Making people bleed can be dangerous so do not think you’ll just go ahead and try this without learning proper skills.
1. We’ve spoken a bit about how you grew up in a sex positive home. Can you explain what that means? Also, how long have you been in the kink lifestyle and have you been open about it from the start?
My great grandfather was a doctor who published books on sexuality and health, because of this and a family of artists and higher education there was a general sense of sexuality being a normal part of life and the human body being natural thing and nothing to be ashamed of. Subjects like masturbation were never taboo and my mother, aunts, and grandmother all spoke to me and my cousin (also a girl) about being in charge of our own sexuality, about making sure we made our own pleasure a priority and not being passive about it. My mom was involved in the sci fi community and I was around rather open minded people since I can recall, this helped because “traditional” gender roles and such weren’t my normal. I never learned things like playing dumb to impress the boys and so when I became sexually active things like faking an orgasm for the sake of a partner just didn’t even occur to me.
In high school when I started having sex with a partner (instead of just myself) I started with oral sex, apparently most girls my age were not comfortable receiving and for me it never occurred to be self-conscious and I was insistent on it being a part of every encounter. I wasn’t afraid to suggest things like role play, costumes, and light bondage. It wasn’t until much later that I learned these are considered beginning kink and not vanilla sex. I was in my thirties when I learned about societal views shaming women for their bodies, their sexuality, menstruation and the overall assumption that sex needed to revolve around a penis and male pleasure, I still don’t fully “get “ it. The idea that a relationship between women “doesn’t count” is offensive to me, that sex without penetration is somehow less than just doesn’t make sense but seems to be everywhere.
My husband and I were high school lovers and had been together off and on since I was fourteen. He had a slightly more traditional upbringing but was always open to suggestions from me. We found over the years that monogamy was hard, we both lusted for others and for new experiences and struggled to fit into the role of suburban married couple. Sadly we didn’t know about the kink or poly community. We dabbled in the misogynistic world of swingers but almost immediately found out that was not for us. I realize not all swingers are bad but the community we kept finding was one that just didn’t fit with our ideals.
In 2006 I stumbled onto kink, the public scene when a friend suggested I do some fetish modeling on the side. It seemed fun and led me to an invitation to a weekend kink event called kinky college. I didn’t know about munches or anything I just showed up at this event. The agreement with my husband was no sex, which it turned out later wasn’t as clear of a guideline as we thought but to start it was enough. I joined a local dungeon and began exploring. I was open with my husband and close friends about my explorations but kept it on the down low to the rest of the world. I knew I wanted non monogamy and so encouraged him to seek other lovers while I played in a kink world. Eventually he did and for a time we were one sided open and my explorations were more on the BDSM side and his on the sexual. During this time I met my submissive, and our third.
New people, new experiences, new issues forced communication and constant reevaluation of our relationship and slowly, sometimes painfully it evolved. As we went from monogamous to monogomish to open to fully polyamorous our ability and desire to hide things from our friends and family lessened. Luckily we never hid from each other. The relationship that formed with our third was the defining one that brought us out, ish. She is part of our family but to what extent is blurry to others. Our kids call her aunt and see us be affectionate with her but we don’t know just how much they know.
We don’t censor and we answer any questions asked honestly but we have also found forcing information onto people who don’t want it isn’t fair. We attend events as a triad, and sometimes they go away together and sometimes she and I go away together so the kids I am sure know something’s up but it has been this way for some time and they seem to just roll with it.
It’s my opinion that if you don’t make a thing a big deal it doesn’t have to be. She spends holidays with us, we are openly affectionate with her in front of our parents and we let people draw their own conclusions.
2. The idea of these guest posts is to stop stereotypes and bigotry. Can you put a few ‘labels’ on yourself that would help my readers form a picture of who you are and what you do in your kinky play?
I am a married poly pansexual kinky rock and roll girl, I am a blood fetishist and a primal player. I am a nurse and a student. I am a presenter and a performer. I am an educator and an explorer. Any or all of these labels work for me but in general I use poly pansexual and rock n roll girl as my “label” of choice, and yes the rock n roll part is every bit as important as the others it defines a lot more about me than musical taste
3. Now that is done, what do you wish to say about the labels used to put you in a box?
I am female and I prefer to be the one in charge but the femdom label never fit, I don’t look the part I don’t play the part. I have no hatred of men, no desire to cause anyone true suffering, it’s all play to me, all about having fun and at the end of the day whoever is on the other end is someone I care for and respect or I wouldn’t be spending my time and energy on them. I sometimes want things done to me but switch doesn’t work because I don’t ever really give up control. I want the things I want the way I want them done to me. I haven’t had a lot of trouble with labels because I make my own and they shift and change as I need them too. People who have thrown labels such as “service top” or “bubblegum domme” at me with the intent of insult, meh I think they are just fine names, and I can whup ass in my sponge bob tee just as well as a fully leather clad high heeled proper femdom can.
4. So many people have the misconception that we are broken. Are you broken? I mean hey, you’re into some pretty heavy play, you must have become twisted somewhere.
Nope, not even a little broken. I have never been abused, I have no triggers, no fear of men. There is no deep dark secret that I am hiding, I have dark twisty fantasies because the human mind is full spectrum. I am a care taker by day and very much a force of good and playing with my dark side is healthy for me. I feel the full range of things and in a consensual manner exploring my dark side is fun and freeing. Some of my fetishes, particularly the blood fetish causes some to think I am broken, but that’s on them, not me.
5. Tell me about your kinks. You spoke of blood not being exciting at work but very arousing in your play. I fine that really interesting.
Blood is life, it is beautiful and sensual. But only when someone is offering it to me in a controlled consensual way. In a work setting there is fear, and not the good kind. I want to comfort, console and calm patients and any blood present is not an offering to me it is a bi product of whatever is causing their fear. In play someone is offering me their blood, even offering me their fear as a gift, as a humbling trust they are saying to me open my skin play in my very life force because I trust you that much. I think that is what truly arouses me, the trust, the willingness to offer up without resistance their vulnerability. Blood just by itself doesn’t have that, so therefor it’s not sexy. When someone will lay down before me and put their life in my hands, not because they need me to help them get better but just because they want to give me this gift, then it becomes something more than physical, something amazing.
6. Women, men, all? Does one type, meaning gender, of person get you the most aroused or is it the mindset they have and their desires matching up with yours?
I have found it is a person’s energy more than gender that I find exciting. Someone who will open up to me, this often happens more with women, but not because I choose it just because in my opinion women have an easier time being vulnerable. Sometimes however I do like to play with aggression instead of vulnerability and then I find myself more often with men, but again I don’t think this is a preference, just a bi product.
7. I am so not the stereotypical lesbian mistress. There are a huge number of guys who have this fantasy of being fucked by a woman (lesbian seems to up the ante) dominant. Tell us about the realities of your strap on play. I tend to use my hands verses a strap on so am not as well versed in the subject.
I love my strap ons!! But the fantasy for most men is more about humiliation and that’s not how I play. Strap on is just another way I get off. I will use hand held toys but prefer the harness because physically it stimulates me and I have orgasms from it. I suppose there is a feeling of power when I am thrusting hard into someone but because I receive as well as give penetration I don’t’ see one side or the other as “lesser” and for a lot of submissive men who contact me this is a problem and we don’t end up playing. I don’t find receiving penetration demeaning so I can’t make it demeaning for someone else.
8. Many people think that all kinks are sexual. Is this true for all of your play? If not, what do you as the top/dominant get out of it?
It is definitely sexual to me, however many people I play with it is not, I enjoy the rush of someone else’s trust or fear. And I enjoy play when it is silly and light too. I don’t mind play that won’t end in sex so long as I know ahead of time that it isn’t headed there I still enjoy the interaction. I also like the teaching aspect of it and showing someone what this feels like, that part is rarely sexual for me. The most intense types of play do have a sexual component if not ending in actual sex (which for me is not defined by penetration but that’s another subject)
9. How do you select your play partners, and do you have a committed BDSM relationship? Does it involve power exchange?
I have established partners that I have met and developed relationships with, my more intense and sexual play is with them. Casual or hook up play is rarely sexual and usually more of a teaching thing. I have had relationships that involve power exchange but it is just during the scene that I am conscious of it, however I have noticed some of my relationships have taken on a d/s context without anyone realizing it. I am just bossy in general and people close to me tend to do what I tell them too. This is one I am unsure of how to answer.
10. Tell us the important safety aspects you use when playing or when negotiating with a new play partner.
Blood play can be anything that opens the skin, for me it usually involves a needle pushed thru parallel to the skin and the removed in a way that scratches or tears a larger wound (but still small enough to heal without needing much attention) than the piercing itself. I also use a scalpel to make shallow cuts into someone’s skin. Opening the skin has unique risks and I need to know how to keep everyone safe. This is considered edge play for a reason and there is no way to remove all the risks, but there are some ways to minimize them. The biggest part of this is knowing what’s going on under the skin, having a good understanding of anatomy is really important. The other part of it is understanding pathogens and such.
I always use clean technique when playing to protect my bottoms from infection and instruct new players on proper aftercare of wounds. I have not had any issues with infections or such however it is always a risk. Scarring is also a risk and something you accept with this type of play. As for me I use standard blood borne pathogen precautions to protect myself from diseases with non-fluid bound partners.
I do have a girlfriend to whom I am fluid bound, this means we have both been tested and willingly exchange fluids, including blood. I am not interested in ingesting it but love the look and feel of it smeared on her after its been drawn. I share an intimacy with her, that neither shares with any other when we play with her blood without barriers and it can make everything else going on around us simply fade to black and all we feel and all we know for that time is each other.
I won’t do anything mentally risky with a new partner, I only play in public and in ways I am extremely confident in my own abilities. This probably costs me play and I am okay with that. I wouldn’t know someone well enough to get in their head until I got to know them as a person. When negotiating blood play which is risky and something I do casually I make it clear that I cannot possibly foresee how they will heal and that they are adults consenting willingly and whatever their body does is not my responsibility. If someone seemed hesitant I would decline play. I have often turned down play when I have had a “bad feeling” and to date I have never had a problem with morning after remorse. I also won’t play with someone who is under the influence of anything, unless it’s an established relationship. If someone says I need to negotiate with their owner I will decline play, that negotiation is on them and if they cannot do it themselves then they cannot communicate to me clearly in scene and I won’t take that risk. It sounds harsh but I don’t want the risk and it is my right to refuse as a top (something not everyone acknowledges)
11. What else would you like to tell us about yourself?
Nothing comes to mind, but it’s early in the day
12. Any advice for newbies or vanilla’s whose eyes may be popping out about your kinks and lifestyle?
Take your time, anyone who pushes you is probably not worth it, relationships that last develop slowly and really intense play comes from time and trust. You can jump in to the deep end but you’d better know how to swim and if you don’t then it’s your own damn fault. No one can make you do or feel anything without your permission, and silence often implies consent. Speak up, speak loud and be your own advocate. Foolish people allow others to make choices for them, it is not on someone else if you follow them into trouble, its on you and you alone, no matter what.
13. I often say that what we do is our recreation. Does that comment seem to ring true for you?
Yes, yes and so much yes. I do this because it is fun, if it stops being fun I will stop doing it!
Respectful comments and questions are encouraged and welcome. Please keep scrolling down so you can tell us your thoughts. I always welcome intelligent discussion.