What Do You Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Share Your Kink? 13 comments


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What Do You Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Share Your Kink?


The big question that people with kinky desires often have is how to tell their partner that they want to try something out of the norm. What the hell do you do when you have all these fantasies that are considered kinky? Often when people finally embrace their kinky selves, it occupies their minds night and day to the point of distraction, and you find yourself obsessed with something that you want so badly but don’t know what your partner would think if they knew. Do you bring up the subject hoping your partner will respond in a positive way or keep things to yourself because you are afraid your partner will be freaked out by your desires? There are no easy answers to these questions, and for most of us who are older and actively kinky, have had to go through this ordeal. Some find that their partners are open, and some find their partners are not interested or worse, think kink is disgusting and freaky. You may think you know how your partner will feel, but you could be wrong.

The fact is, if you love someone but also can’t suppress your kinky side anymore because you feel smothered; you need to find out if the one you love will be open to what you crave. As always, communication is the key. Having an open, honest conversation in which you tell your vanilla partner who you are or what you are feeling instead of telling him or her what you want them to do. A guy who has never laid a hand on a woman in any way to hurt her may very well be freaked out by the thought of spanking his wife or girlfriend. It took me a long time to come to grips with being a sadist. On the other side of the coin, telling a woman you want to put her over your lap and spank her, or have her crawl across the floor while you take a crop to her ass, or surprising your wife by laying on the bed in one of her nighties, is usually not a great opening. Go easy and slow.

Express your needs without casting any feelings of blame on your vanilla partner. They may hear you and think that they haven’t been fulfilling your needs. Be open about your fears. Tell them you’re afraid they won’t love you anymore. Tell them how hard it was to be open about it and approach them. I don’t know about you, but I was scared to tell my ex. When I was younger I did the being a brat thing in an effort to try and get my lover to spank me, but it never worked. I would get some damn good rough sex from it, but he never spanked me, and I was far too worried that he’d think I was strange just to go ahead and ask him. Be honest about your fears and doubts. Explore the feeling side before exploring the “I want you to do this to me’ side, in fact, it’s best to talk about your fetishes without attaching your wish for your partner to actively participate.

Be prepared to answer questions honestly. What have you done to find out about your fetishes? Why now? Have you always wanted this? What made you decide it was time? If you have factual websites or good articles, share them. If you have video clips from Chantra’s Bitches, or some other BDSM porn, I suggest keeping them to yourself. Porn scenes depicting BDSM are way over the top. You want the person you love to be accepting and open, not freaked out by thinking they need to dress in black leather and wield a whip while strutting around in 6″ heels and wearing a strap-on.

You may get acceptance of your fetish needs without getting an agreement to participate, and that is okay. It’s a start. Maybe you can explore together by way of joining Fetlife groups that support kinksters with vanilla partners. Maybe you can read erotic BDSM books together. Maybe just knowing they still love you despite your ‘odd’ needs will be enough for now, and in time once your partner understands that BDSM play can be done in a recreational and non-sexual way they will be open to you having a play partner. I realize that I often talk of the importance of getting out and meeting other kinky people in your community, and I’ll say it again here. Really, we are just normal people who go out to dinner, have social gatherings, go to workshops and such to learn. Yes, we have play parties, but they are laid back. There aren’t huge orgies; play doesn’t have to include sex at all. Yes, there are people doing stuff that may squick you out but you don’t have to watch. Most get togethers are munches where we just socialize. If you can get your partner to go to a munch and to meet kinky people and realize that we don’t have two heads and act like crazed sex maniacs then, it might be a step in the right direction. I would go to a munch first just to get a feel for it first though. It maybe that your partner will agree to socialize once in awhile but never go to parties or be comfortable playing. To this I say that’s great. To have acceptance is huge.

Go slow, be patient, accept what they are willing to accept. I can’t tell you what to do if the one you love just says no. No, I won’t hear of it. No, I won’t listen. No, that’s sick and twisted. I ended up leaving my husband who was vanilla, but there were other things wrong in my marriage. Kink was a huge need, but it wasn’t the main factor. I have a friend who loves her husband dearly and so she gets crazed because he won’t hear of it. She desperately wants to have a Mistress/submissive relationship with a woman, and he refuses. She has talked; she has explained, she has cried, but she loves him. She teeters on the brink, socializing with us and spending time with her kinky friends whom she envies so much it hurts sometimes, but she simply loves her husband too much to cheat. He made is clear non-sexual play is cheating.

I also know people who allow their husband and wives to play. They talked and came to an agreement. I wasn’t a fly on the wall so I can’t elaborate, but it took time, understanding, and patience. Start slow, show you have thought about your kink needs in non-sexual ways meaning that you have read about why people enjoy spanking, or how to do bondage safely rather that dwell on the sexual gratification aspect. There is much more to BDSM and power exchange relationships besides sex. I have no special words, just words about how you approach your partner. Calmly, sincerely, honestly, refrain from accusing, don’t jump the gun and whip out some paddles, a butt plug, or some rope, and surprise your vanilla person, and be prepared to answer questions without being defensive or getting angry. Kink is not for everyone. If you’re lucky they will say okay, let’s try. If that happens, be prepared to proceed slowly and safely and have a deep conversation about safe words, trust, and exactly what you partner is willing to do. If you get that far, accept that they agree to and DO NOT push past what they have said okay to. If you betray their trust, you may never get another chance.

Go forth and converse people. Be armed with patience. Set aside anger and defensiveness. What seems really great or hot to you may be really disgusting to someone else. A lot of people end up leaving their vanilla partner, but many find a balance. No matter what, it’s worth a try to open up and just talk.


About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Bloggers. Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship's Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.

13 thoughts on “What Do You Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Share Your Kink?

  • Tony Conrad

    I was happily married for two years and had normal sex which was exciting and new to me but after a while this spanking thing began to surface again. I noticed adverts about spanking and was very tempted. In the end I thought this must stay in the marriage as I don’t believe in sex outside of marriage and spanking is definitely sex to me. In the end I asked her to spank me. Her first words were why what have you done? This really surprised me and I chose at that moment not to make it a punishment thing. She spanked me for a bit and the desire was held at bay. Over the years she has grown very comfortable with it and even asks me occasionally do you need a spanking. It works fine in our marriage and I don’t need to stray but really enjoy that she will do it virtually anytime I want it.

    • Greg

      Awesome! This is the situation in my marriage. A decade ago I told my wife of 12 years that I’ve always been turned on by spanking—giving & getting. She was shocked, said that we could try it, but never was willing until we tried mutual birthday spankings (birthdays 12 days apart), kinda playful and followed with sex last year. But, covid has kept our son at home all last year to do college on Zoom, and unfortunately my wife’s sex drive has dwindled to nothing. But I’m still yearning for some spanking, which I consider the hottest foreplay.

  • Bob

    Three years of trying… I have read countless articles, blogs, books and websites… I have tried honesty, introduced light experimentation, written stories to illustrate… I have talked, asked, been angry, sad and frustrated… I love my wife very much but she is not passionate, not imaginative and I believe maybe that she is incapable of participating in my fetish.

  • Arbi Terrary

    My husband of 27 years developed a seemingly sudden interest in bondage. He went from wanting to blindfold me and bind my arms and wrists one month to wanting to check out shibari and the whole sub/dom thing. I am just not interested. I am one of those people who find the whole thing to be degrading, and told him I was neither comfortable with or interested in trying this. Naturally, his response was to join FetLife and begin an affair with a local bisexual woman who is interested in trying everything. His gravest mistakes were thinking I wouldn’t find out (I did) and that I knew to screen cap when right-click save as doesn’t work. My lawyer loved all of their photos and comments. He’s gonna be to broke for rope. Poor jerk. The lesson here, good people, is that if your spouse or S.O. is dead set against your proclivities, do yourself and them a favor and break off the relationship before you do something as mindlessly stupid as posting countless pictures of yourself and your mistress on the internet. You’ll save yourself and your partner a lot of grief and probably a lot of money if downloaded photos end up with the attorney.

    • BeautysPunishment

      I’m sorry that you had this experience, but the comment that naturally he went on Fetlife isn’t fair. I do not advocate affairs, I am monogamous with my wife, and I know someone who denied her own needs to explore daily because she spoke to her husband and he said no, he wouldn’t try it. My wife stayed with her now ex husband for 15 years even though he didn’t want anything to do with kink. He had an affair, not her. The point I am trying to make is that those of us into kink aren’t deviants without morals. Just because I enjoy some kinky activities, doesn’t mean I am not a faithful good wife. Again, I’m sorry that happened to you, but blame your husband, not the kinky activities.

      • Arbi Terrary

        Ah, but he and his perversions are apparently one and the same, at least according to him. Fetlife was just a fabulous tool for him to find a local woman who was completely ok with the fact that he is a married man who wants to cheat on his wife because she refused to be tied up, shackled to the bed, gagged, blindfolded, and have unknown items inserted into her anus so that he could have an intense orgasm. What a selfish woman I must be. Do I blame him? Of course. Do I have a deep dislike for Fetlife, as it was his gateway to finding a nasty whore? Absolutely. Do I find said whore to be equally responsible for the current situation, given that she knew in advance he was a married man but didn’t give a shit because she was getting hers? You bet. I find the whole thing despicable. To say I am angry is an understatement, but I must admit, I do appreciate the fact that Fetlife encourages it’s users to post photos and video, as it helped my case a great deal, and as an added bonus I know who he was banging and where she lives. Not that I want any contact with her, I don’t. She’s really not my problem, but if my knowing things makes the two of them nervous, so much the better. So, yes, I blame him and his kinky activities. He wouldn’t die without them, now would he? No. He wouldn’t. But everything always has to be about his constant need for sex. That is the way he “bonds”, and garden variety sex made him feel “unloved and ignored.” Make of it what you will. I apologize if my anger at him, the missing link rope-bunny, and his perversion seems out of line, but I feel I’ve earned the right to my anger. Our case will be over soon, and it is a sad way to end things with someone I have loved, trusted and respected so deeply since I was 19 years old. Tragic. So my point, if I may, is that if you are married to a spouse who finds your kink to be a no-go, and you feel this is something you must have to be happy, then cut your loses and file for a divorce before you tear someone apart emotionally. Because let me tell you, that shit hurts. It’s hurt him as well, now that friends and family are aware of the affair and his little proclivities. It really hurts financially, because the ammo he left me was enough to cut him to the quick.

        • Cypher

          My wife cheated on me. She said she didn’t any anything but a quickie. Hated anything to do with kink. Then she goes and does everything under the sun with a guy 18 years younger than me. Would she have died without that? No. Could she have tried to embrace more than just laying there and waiting for it to be over? Hell yes. I blame her and her desires. See, it’s a two way street.

  • Mae

    This article is one of few I’ve found that haven’t just blatantly told me that a kink/vanilla relationship simply cannot work. I feel close to tears after reading it!
    I’ve been with my current boyfriend for six months and I love him dearly, our relationship goes from strength to strength everyday. At the time we met, I was ending my most intense relationship as a submissive. Nothing between us worked, we basically just bonded of out bdsm connection and nothing else.
    So I meet this new guy, who is an amazing human, and find out he is totally vanilla. I told him the first week I met him that I’m into kink. We’ve tried, but I can always tell he’s putting it on and it feels fake – to the point I’ve asked him to just go back to being himself, which I at least enjoy!! However, yesterday I ran into my Dom ex, and it all just came flooding back and all I could see was myself tied up, his hands on me, the name calling. Stuff that my new man, whom I love, will never do. I just felt grief. This man is more accepting and more loving towards me than any partner I’ve had. But it’s only six months in and I’m already craving some kind of kink. Thank you so much for your article. At least I feel a little more hope now!

    • BeautysPunishment

      I’d be interested in following your adventures to see how this works out for you. We’ve quite a few friends that their significant other is vanilla, but they are allowed to pursue their D/s relationship with someone else. Either it’s ‘Don’t ask, Don’t Tell’, or they are in the know. For myself I know it wouldn’t have worked out with either husband at that time I was with them.

  • Jolynn Raymond

    Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for telling me your story. I think maybe your experience could help others understand. I commend you for getting up the nerve to tell your husband. Way to go! You may find it great that my 87 year old mom asked me for a vibrator after reading one of my books! I admit it threw me a bit.

  • laurellasky

    In my younger days I had a few boyfriends who spanked me and it was so much fun. In those days I didn’t go all the way and there was a lot of dry humping. I am now 70 (omg) and have been married for 28 years. I did eventually get up the nerve to tell my husband that I wanted him to spank me. He tried a few times but it was very hard for him. He is now 89 and he is a sweet gentle man. He will occasionally pat my bottom but I have to get my jollies with reading lots of fiction and having a lifetime supply of batteries. I loved the article and if I was just starting out it would be very helpful.

  • Anonymous

    As a man teetering on leaving his vanilla wife for his bdsm lover, this is the first sane article I’ve found to help me.
    Thank you.

    • Jolynn Raymond

      Thank you so much for telling me that my article was helpful to you. I’ve have a friend struggling with this right now. She loves her husband but… this need can really make the relationship strained and leave you feeling alone and completely out of whack with a partner who doesn’t understand. Good luck. You are more than welcome to write me at secretwriter@hotmail.com if you have questions.

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