Stop and Think First
This post is going to be of a serious nature, and I sincerely hope that those who read my blog only because of my books and not because they are kinky, give this post a few minutes of their time. I want to speak about the fear many people have of the things they don’t understand, and the pain caused by the bigotry their fear often manifests into.
In the past few weeks two of my friends in the kink community have been outed by people who were in no way affected by these friend’s kinky lifestyle. In both cases the perpetrator came across my friends’ profiles on Fetlife, and in both cases, the outing of these individuals caused great harm. It hurt so much to witness the pain my friends had to go through, and it also made me mad as hell, so I am going to address a few points here.
First, just what were the people who outed my friends doing on Fetlife? In one case we do not know who the perp was, but in the other, it was Miss C’s own daughter. So again, what were they doing on Fet? It turns out the daughter and her boyfriend are exploring kink, and low and behold they came across Miss Cs profile. The daughter was horrified and threatened all kinds of things that would have hurt a great many people. She refused to mind her own business, and tried to blackmail Miss C into apparently being the ‘proper’ mom type. My friend is 60+ She has been involved in kink for a very long time and is safe and sane. She is a lovely person, has strong values, contributes to society like most of us do, and is an asset to the kink community, AND she is a Mistress.
Apparently the last thing there is not okay with the daughter. I don’t think I really need to go into how wrong it is to threaten to tell the whole family about mom being kinky when she, herself is also interested in kink. Does the idea of my 87 year old mom being sexual make me jump for joy? Hell no. Does it make me a little uncomfortable? Hell yes. When she asked me for a vibrator my mouth dropped open, but then I did the right thing and did as she asked. I am not twelve, if my mother’s sexual habits weird me out just a bit that is my problem, not hers. She is a grown woman and if she wants to use a damn vibrator then she has every right to. Miss C’s daughter really overstepped here and hurt her mom because she was too immature to think of her mom being kinky and sexual. The daughter needed to stop and think instead of acting like a selfish child. She caused great turmoil, worry, stress, and pain to a woman I hold dear, for absolutely no reason at all. Her mother was not being abused, scammed, being taken advantage of, or anything else along that line. It wasn’t her damn business that her mom, Miss C, has house boys who enjoy coming over to do chores dressed as sissy boys, and engage in BDSM activities.
The other incident had repercussions that were even more serious. Somebody outed him to his boss. He was called into the bosses office and shown evidence of his immoral behavior in the form of pictures from Fetlife. He was embarrassed, humiliated, and fired. He was fired because some asshole thought it was his job to be the morality police when what E was doing with his wife was of absolutely no business of anyone. He lost his means of income, his benefits, his security that the mortgage would be paid, that if he or his wife became ill they could afford the medical bills, that he could pay for food and all the other stuff we don’t just get for free. He was stripped of his dignity in that office and was kicked out the door with no sort of reference to get another job. When he applies for a new job he will have to be somewhat upfront about the reason he was fired.
E is a really good guy. Funny, sweet, caring. He loves his wife and he also loves to be her submissive and be feminized. He is a masochist, likes to engage in BDSM play that while vanilla people don’t understand, doesn’t hurt anyone. He did not force his kink on his co workers. He did not wear women’s clothing to work or show off marks he got while playing. It in no way affected his ability to do his job or hindered his productivity. He did not hold a bake sale or sell cookies or any such thing at work to raise money for a new dungeon at home. He did not pass out pamphlets telling everyone about kink, boast about the fun kinky things he did. He did nothing to anybody yet now he is uninsured and unemployed at a time when jobs are hard to find. He worked his ass off for that company for many years. Did overtime, did what needed to be done and yet the narrow mindedness of his boss and the unknown perp ruined his security and ability to support his family. It sucks and it so too wrong for words. it also hurts.
So please people, please, if you find out someone you know or work with is kinky, just leave it alone. They are no danger to you. The vast majority of us are regular people. We live, we laugh, we cry, we love. We work damn hard like everyone else and we don’t run around waving our kink flag and trying to pressure vanilla people to take a walk on the dark side. We do what we think of as recreation quietly. We live our lifestyle as we see fit without hurting anybody. We are not sex offenders, immoral, sick or twisted, we are not child molesters, we do not have secret recruiting session where we try to lure unsuspecting moral people to come be hedonistic like we are. We have families, we have lives, and we have rights. The right to earn a living, the right to have friends, the right to have relationships, and the right to do our thing even if it scares you or makes you think we are twisted or even mentally unbalanced, we have rights. As long as we do no harm we have rights. So stop and think before you out someone.
I deal with prejudice because I am a lesbian. I deal with having to hide my marriage from those I work with because telling the world I love Beauty would cause huge hassles. I hide my kinky side like it is a shameful secret, but only because I have to. I hate having to but I know that a lot of people wouldn’t understand and would feel a need to ruin my life if they found out. We kinky folks have rights. So, I’ll say it again, stop and think before you out someone. It really isn’t your business.
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Thank you for your very candid thoughts. I can’t wait for the day I can say “Hey world, I’m kinky. I’m a mistress and a lesbian and I do twisted things. I also write about them in fictional books and non fictional advice, so deal with it”. Until then I will hide behind my scene name and author name. The far reaching negative effect this ‘morally’ uptight person caused is horrible. I have no evidence but I imagine he or she is an uptight religious sort who felt they were doing the right thing to protect all the vanillas around E at work. It still pisses me off months later, so I’m glad to see that others are digging in my archives and giving new life to this subject. Thanks again.
So I found your blog through Southern Sir. He and miss Kayla are friends of ours beyond blog-landia as are a few select others.
I’ve read quite a few of your entires and appreciate your writing style. This blog post pissed me off, and, made me shudder at the same time- not at you, but at society. My worst fears of pain and agony vilified by some ass who thought he owned the rights to a moral compass, one which needs shoved, unlubed, up his/her ass for the shit mess of havoc wreaked upon these people.
You’re right, we are normal. Inside and out. The rest of the world is all cocked up. If I could tell my vanilla friends a secret, newly discovered way in which they could put all of their childish mannerisms behind them, show them a better way to live in peace and harmony, a way to have more fun and enjoy life a bit more- without “outing myself” and bringing all of the world’s uneducated pain upon my shoulders, I’d do it in a heartbeat, a NY second.
To your point though, these two didn’t do that, and didn’t ask for it. I’m living behind the guise of all that electronics will allow to show, yet hide at the same time. You’ll never see faces and rarely see identifiable body parts- why, because the world can’t handle the truth. Are there weirdos and nut jobs in kinkyville? Yup, and so too in vanillaville. I cannot even begin to understand why someone would inflict such pain on another. So too, it makes me more cautious and makes me cherish more those people I have chosen as my friends, inner circle friends. It’s funny, we can tell those with whom we have kink more intimate details of our lives, openly and honestly, because there is no fear of judgement. Try doing that in a Christian environment and you’ll be hung out to dry and stoned more than any of the witches of Salem.
Sorry for the rant, I love your blog, your style, your expression- I had to weigh in on this one. You’re too right- if you’re reading this from the outside looking in, and feel the need to out somebody, first go stick a letter opener in your eye while sucking on your car’s exhaust. That’s about the same level of life-long pain you’ll cause that person- for what? A laugh, vengeance, to prove a point?
AMAZING POST! Thank you for putting it all out there… And thank you for your blog! 🙂
-Mynx’s Sir (Tom Wolf)
Thank you and I hope writingbout your own stuff and family helped you in some way too. I’m lucky that my mom is okay with my same sex marriage and the whole lifestyle choice. she doesn’t want any details but knows about my service sub guys and that my wife is my submissive. I know most people can’t be open to their families. Thanks for sharing.
I’m glad you got to stand up for your friends I am so sorry that people have to be sooo cruel. I come from a very traditional family. So to expose my bisexuality and my little girl lifestyle is out of the question. I already risked my family’s reputation by marrying and divorcing outside of my race. And if I expose to them my chocolate tendencies, I can’t even imagine what they would feel towards me. I have a cousin who is lesbian. She’s always been a huge role model for me. She introduced me to God, have me respect and love when no one else did, she loved and respected me after I got married and still supports me while I’m getting my divorce. She’s been put down by everyone in our traditional family and was surprised that when she came out to the family that I supported her being happy in exactly who she is. It doesn’t matter who we love so long as we love them. And family is supposed to love each other no matter what. So she’s lesbian… So what… I’m bisexual. I enjoy men and woman and live in a poly life with my Daddy and my alpha. So what if we love and love people in different ways. Isn’t that what makes us special??? God loves us no matter what. I think people forget that. So to your two friends, I’m glad she’s embracing her role as a Mistress. It makes her happy that’s what matters. I’m sorry her daughter can’t see beyond herself. That’s very sad especially because she herself is trying to embrace the lifestyle. I know I couldn’t tell my mom about my lifestyle but I also know if she had the same lifestyle I’d be happy for her because it makes her happy. And to your friend who lost his job, make sure he knows that it’s technically illegal to be fired on grounds that don’t effect his work. Like you said, he doesn’t wear his stuff outside of the home right, well who are his bosses to say what he can and cannot do in his own time??? Make sure he knows that being fired on means of personal morality that doesn’t effect the work area is like being fired because of the fact that a person is gay or has a different faith. It’s still considered prejudice. I hope your friends are okay. Thanks for being a good friend and supporting their lifestyle with love and support and not judgement!!
Thank you for expressing so wonderfully what has been plaguing my mind!!!
It’s a shame people won’t leave us be and think they have the right to out us. Thanks for the comment.
I never post pictures with my face online for this reason, but the reality is that everything we post comes attached to an IP address…Or other ways of linking back to you.
I know of a babygirl group leader on Fet who outed people because they disagreed with her one size, one way fits all philosophy of DD/lg.
It’s scary how malicious some people can be.
I hope better things fall in place for both of your friends.
It really is. We have to be so careful. Thanks for commenting.
Its almost funny how this very thing was running though my mind earlier this week. I know seveal people at my job were on Fetlife and they were aware that I was as well but I was always selective about who knew for this very reason. Just makes me feel that much better about the steps I take to protect myself from this very thing. I can’t thank the write enough for the examples that validated what was irrational in my mind.
It’s very important to be careful. I think a lot of the younger people are just used to putting everything out there in social media. They don’t realize it will come back to bite them when it comes to a job or something else important.
Hi, first of I’m an Italian girl so please forgive me for my mistake. Hope you will understand what I want to say…
I’m here because I read one of you book and I wanted to know a little more about BDSM. I’m curios.
I read it with an open mind and, even if I don’t really know if I would or not like this life style I don’t think that who like it is a freak.
When I read this post I could feel your rage. It made me feel sick that someone could judge a person on her/his lifestyle when:
1. They didn’t really know the person whom they judged
2. They found them while looking up information on the lifestyle that they judge “immoral”
I’m sorry for you friends, no human being deserve such treatment.
Thank you for expressing your supportive views. With strong support from his wife and friends he has faced the world head on. I hope those with opposing views see the post and think twice.
Thank you so much. I couldn’t agree more. My friends have the kink community rallying around them for support, so they are healing.
I totally agree with this post, people judge without even knowing the person they judge properly, what we have is a fetish it does not make us freaks, it people spent less judging others and enjoying life the world would.be a nicer a place, thank you for sharing this and I truly hope both.of your friends are ok, people just don’t care and what is often gossip ends up hurtful and malicious.
Society is so busy passing judgement on good people with fun lives. Reasing most are so miserable in life its always so much easier to Bully what they either don’t understand or envy! Education from home needs to start early. For the ones that are adults should be just that. Not anyone’s business what goes on in others lives. People need to treat others the way they would like to be treated. And mind the’re own. Living in the Bible belt I have lost so called friends over reading adult Paranormal books. And even the famous 50 shades. Good riddens to them !! No one deserves to be bashed over lifestyles people need to wake up tomorrow may never come don’t go down a hatred ass. ‘Hops off soap box!
Thank you for your opinion. I imagine those that are so hateful must have miserable lives, but it rarely makes me feel better. LOL about the soapbox. I often hop on mine as you can tell by my blog.