Here is the post I promised those who have been following my informative yet kinky Saturday BDSM posts. I want to address the whys of dominance while at the same time hopefully answer some questions people who are just starting out might have. I’m also speaking about dominance because the poll showed that dominance and submission were the most wanted topics.
As I’ve said before, when I first started to realize that the thoughts I was having about punishment and spanking were shared by others, I thought I was submissive. I think it had something to do with the fact that I wanted to be on the receiving end and therefore couldn’t be in the dominant role. The fact that I was always the person in control in my romantic relationships didn’t occur to me. My boyfriends weren’t meek or anything, they just wanted to please me, and I have always been outspoken about my thoughts and wishes. Still, in the bedroom I wanted it rough. I have come to find out that you can have rough wild sex and still be dominant. In fact, I have control so yeah, I can pretty much be the conductor.
When I wasn’t into kink, or thought I wasn’t, my personality could have been called bossy or in some instances, bitchy. I hate that line of thought though. Just because I stand up for what I believe in and fight for my family and friends and what is right, it doesn’t make me a bitch, and being dominant doesn’t make me a bitch. There are many traits that come through in people who hold the power in a power exchange relationship, and there really is no wrong or right, aside from having the consent of the person you are involved with and taking your role as protector seriously.
There are something like 6 types of dominants according to the books. They run from a dominant who not necessarily thinks of themselves as god, but want to be worshipped and be the all and everything to their slave or submissive, to the Daddy or Mommy dominant who wants to do all for their little (adult) girl or boy. In between there are dominants that encompass everything from being very strict, high protocol, nurturing, harsh, quiet, loud and demanding, and pretty much everything you can wrap up into the personality of someone who has a need to be in charge and have things go their way. When I put that into words it sounds kind of bad, but I will say that I need everything to go my way. Sounds like a spoiled brat or else a bossy bitch or just a plain asshole, but there is a difference. Dominant people who engage in consensual power exchange relationships have their partners best interest at heart, or else they damn well should. I do, so the whole my way thing has been agreed upon. Beauty knew this before I married her and collared her.
There are a lot of things you may read or hear. A submissive must always take care of their dominant. A dominant must always control themselves, a dominant is all about me, me, me personality, a good dominant is strict, good dominant keeps theirs type on their toes, again, there are a lot of things said about the ‘true’ way or as it’s commonly called when we are rolling our eyes, the ‘twue’ way. What it boils down to is what works for each individual. There are people who think the whole ‘Gor’ way of things is the way. I personally think they are a bit out there on the extremist side, but they think I’m nuts for actually having discussion with my wife, not making her be nude every second she is home, allowing her to speak, sleep in bed with me, and so forth. The chasm between them and me is huge, but that isn’t to say how they do things and how I do things are wrong.
I did much soul searching when I had my eyes opened to the fact that hell yes I am dominant, and dominant isn’t a bad thing. Being a sadist took a lot longer, but that said, I DID come to terms with them both. Why and how? Because all of my relationships are consensual, there is no abuse even when I do a heavy play session. I care about my partners. I cherish my wife. I care so very much about her and taking care of her, disciplining her, giving her structure and outlining her life grounds me and grounds her. I get the control I crave and need in this crazy world. It’s my rock in a world where I can’t have everything my way. In our home, in our relationship, I am in charge period. I like things done the way I like them done. I like X, Y,Z to be ready or prepared when I come home. When it isn’t done, there is a consequence. It’s what Beauty wants in a relationship. She doesn’t have to make decisions, I do that. She doesn’t have to worry about the little things in life, I try to take care of them. I am not a dominant who is always in complete control. I am human and ours is a 24/7 lifestyle marriage and we are both menopausal so yes, I get irate at times, but I never punish in anger. I am not perfect, she is not perfect. I don’t expect her to be and she knows I’m not. Ours is a give and take, but yes, I am in charge. I also want to tell you that being the dominant is hard work. I choose to take on the world and deal with the crap in exchange for being taken care of in our home. For us, it’s a good power exchange.
Now I want to speak on things that are NOT being a good dominant and are not things a submissive type should accept and should turn the other way if they meet someone who is like this. This goes beyond the differences in dominants. I am a huge nurturer, but a person can be a good dominant without being a nurturer just like I can be a good dominant without following the ‘Gor’ principles. Someone is not a good dominant if:
They think it’s all about them.
They demand respect or being addressed by a respectful title before you are their submissive.
They do things without your consent to test you or to make you prove you really want to be a good sub.
They ignore your limits
They try to cut their submissive/slave off from their family and friends
They are emotionally abusive and make their s type feel vulnerable. ashamed, weak, not a valued person unless the submissive is really into that.
They think the s type should take care of them and that’s it, no give and take.
They ignore your safe word or say you can’t have one.
If it feels wrong, listen to your intuition.
If it hurts in a bad way, get out.
To be a good dominant, you have to be willing to work hard to fill the needs of your s type. To find a good dominant you need to seek someone out who is interested in the real you, not a puppet or a blow up doll, or a doormat. Submission is a gift, but so is good dominance. Look at the person outside of the BDSM box. Yes, that stuff matters, but there is a person in there too.