My Love is Not About You #SameSexCouples 37 comments

Beauty’s Picture To Me

My Love is Not About You

Yesterday Joelle Casteel did a post that spoke about forcing our kink on others and people being accepting of what and who we are. I want to address the issue of public affection and how it’s okay for some people and very much not okay for others. Yes, that is my soapbox you hear being moved into position.

So the thing that brought all this firestorm on the internet was the fact that a woman was walking her naked submissive on a leash in public. Folks chimed in from all sectors about the propriety of their actions. Some felt it was okay, but a large majority, myself included, felt that they had no business doing such a thing. The actions definitely fell under the umbrella of forcing their kink on others who did not give consent. Then the subject of public affection was discussed, and I tried to separate the two in my brain, which led to more thinking. Even if heterosexual display so much affection that those nearby want to shout “Get a room!”, people don’t tend to get their undies in a bundle as much as some opposed to same sex couples do if my wife and I share a chaste little kiss in the presence of others. So what is the issue and where do actions cross the line? More importantly to me is why does my sexuality matter to others? I love my wife, not them. I am not forcing my love on them.

The word sexuality is not a proper description to cover who I love. It may cover who I have sex with, but not who I love. I am a lesbian. That is my sexuality. The thing is, being a lesbian isn’t about the sex, it’s about so much more, and if people would stop equating the words lesbian, bi sexual, and homosexual with who we are instead of the dreaded sex word, there might be more acceptance in the world. That feat would be difficult though because the word sex is in the middle of two of the sexual preference words I just listed, and other similar words that have evolved to try to help people convey who or what it is they identify with.

Being a feminine lesbian married to another feminine woman causes us some intolerance unless we are out with kinky friends and that annoys me, but I do know that we get far less nasty comments and looks than a homosexual couple or even a couple where one of the women is butch. Why? I’m not sure. Perhaps narrow minded people see a butch woman as trying to be a man. Stupid, but it’s just a thought. The thing is, people seem to want to think about the two people in question having sex and that their actions are then perverted because the sex becomes a deviation from ‘normal’ acceptable sex. The description of normal has a huge range of acceptability depending on the person, but for those who are outraged or still have issues with same sex couples, our sexual practices are not normal, and are what they will spout off about when protesting. “It’s not natural.”, is something you hear a lot. Really? Not natural to who? It’s perfectly natural to me.

I am a woman in a same sex couple. We have sex, but that isn’t who I am or who I love, and really, sex has little to do with it. I love my wife. Yes, I was/am attracted to her. That is what brought us together in the first place, but it isn’t what will sustain our marriage. We have both acquired some serious curves, our faces have the beginning wrinkles of age, her hair has more than a little gray, but when I look at her, I’m not seeing those things. I see her, the woman I love. The woman I want to spend time with, the woman I enjoy doing very non sexual things with. When we are sick, tired, stressed, sad, overwhelmed, or any other type of challenging emotion, it doesn’t matter that I thought she was totally hot when I first laid eyes on her. It’s what’s on the inside, who she is and how she knows me, and how she knows the way to comfort me, laugh with me, or just be with me that makes her who I love.

If people stopped equating same sex couples to sex and think instead of love, they might be able to understand better. It’s about who we love. It’s about who we want to spend our lives with. It’s about how I am wired inside to first feel that pull of attraction, but it is also how after that first pull of attraction fades, I can still love. People need to stop thinking of that homosexual couple as how they have sex because just like many hetero couples, they may rarely have sex for any number of reasons. Sexuality that isn’t heterosexual isn’t perverse and it isn’t abhorrent. Gay people don’t run around preying on heterosexual people, spreading our deviant behavior and infecting all we come in contact with. We don’t run around lusting after all the straight men or women and thinking sex, sex, sex, I must have sex with that person. We aren’t pedophiles or sexual predators. We are just regular people who have something inside that makes us feel love for those who are the same gender.

Okay, back to the first point. Why is it okay for a heterosexual couple to cuddle, kiss, hold each other, put their arms around, or hold hands with each other in public and not okay for same gender couples? Why do we get looks and sometimes rude comments? I love women, I am married to a woman, I am not heterosexual but that doesn’t mean I scorn opposite gender couples. Their displays of affection don’t disgust me. Hey, they are free to be themselves as long as they aren’t kissing with tongue and groping each other when there are others around, and that qualifier goes for same gender couples too. I don’t look at a male/male couple and think ‘Oh my God, that’s disgusting.’ because I personally am not attracted to men. I understand that the heterosexual couple and the gay couple LOVE each other. I remove sex from the equation. It isn’t about sex. I might enjoy sex with any number of women (I don’t, we’re monogamous.), but I love my wife. Even poly people don’t feel attracted to all of the female or male population or want to be in a loving relationship with every person they see just as hetero people aren’t attracted to every other person of the opposite gender they see. Why? Because that isn’t how we work. We feel initial attraction, a draw inside, and sometimes that attraction develops into more, and sometimes it doesn’t, but if it does, it goes way beyond sex. Initial attraction can be sexual, but love is not.

Love is a powerful emotion that is far removed from the hormones. That couple married 60 years aren’t running on hormones. Hormones don’t make a person stay by the side of the person they love during cancer, or when they become paralyzed, or any other reason sex is taken out of the equation temporarily or permanently and the relationship is given a huge dose of stress instead. Sex has never broken my heart, and sex has never made me feel such powerful emotion that I cried tears of joy. When I stood facing my wife and vowed to stay by her side for two forevers, it wasn’t sexual attraction that made me so overwhelmed.  Love did that. Out of all the people in the world, I love Beauty. Loving her makes me a lesbian, not sex. Love people, NOT sex, so it’s time to start accepting us.

No one can control who they love. It just happens. Sure hormones pushed us towards each other, but love has kept us by each other’s side through sickness and in health, through better and worse, love is the glue. My glue bottle may look different on the outside because the art project, valentine, or anniversary card I make with it is focused around two women, but the words about love written by a poet or sung in a beautiful ballad that I write upon it, apply to my wife, just like they apply to your different gender person.

Forget about the sex and think of that emotion that captures your heart and squeezes it when you are overwhelmed by joy because you love someone so much, or the deepest sorrow you have been overcome with as your heart shattered, broken into pieces that you thought would be the end of you because your love wasn’t returned or just couldn’t be made to work. Think of that powerful emotion when you look at us or any other couple who may hold hands, give each other a little kiss, or call each other honey. Love can build a bridge, love can move mountains, love has begun wars, and love has made hearts soar. It’s about love. Pure, simple, all encompassing, thrilling, steadfast, and unshakeable love. Now is that so hard to understand?