Guest Post: Trust, BDSM, and Fear Play 14 comments

TRUST and BDSM

{Trust, BDSM, and Fear Play}

This article is written by a good friend. I like to think that our minds are similarly twisted though I’m sure he is at least a little bit more devious than I am because he plays with the mind as much as the body. I asked him to write a guest post because I know that the of the type of play he does requires his partner to have absolute faith in him. He is going to speak on trust, consensual non-consent, fear play, and just why on earth his submissive would agree to give up so much of what most of us, even those into BDSM want to have a say in. What I’m talking about is the right to stop, whether by safeword or other words and actions, something that makes us feel like our self preservation is threatened.

This article is being presented so that those who may want to put up a wall and say “That’s just wrong.”, or “That’s not safe.” can see that no, it isn’t wrong and yes it is safe because they trust each other deeply. While this may not be for you, open your mind and allow yourself to experience and learn about something new. That said, I really hate that damn clown picture!!! Not judging, just saying yikes. I do not condemn him for his tastes, but he is NOT allowed to be scary clown man at our house. FYI. The scary ass clown is at the very bottom so if you don’t like clowns just don’t scroll all the way down.

One last thing. Listen to the points about trust. Do not consent to any kind of play without knowing someone well, and  NEVER violate someone’s consent. Please be clear that his partner has given up her consent. Neither the writer of this post, nor am I liable for the actions of those who don’t use common sense.

Read and enjoy~~

What I write and share comes from my own personal experience, watching and learning from those that came before me. Mentors, whether they knew it or not, who always acted with honor, integrity and never failed to teach or share their knowledge and skills with anyone who was genuinely interested.

Your experiences or definitions may vary from mine, these are my viewpoints and opinions.

Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism……….. Distinctive and uncommon words in general conversation in the “vanilla world”. A set of words that elicit a reaction, emotion or feeling to anyone that hears them. In the “Fetish/Leather/BDSM” community those words are a description of a way of life.

They are what we do, how we live or how we define ourselves. Bondage can define a specific or wide range of acts. Discipline is a way of behaving or expected behavior. Sadism and Masochism covers a wide range of actions and acts that satisfy both consensual partners based on negotiated parameters.

They all have one single thing in common when done in a safe, sane and consensual manor. TRUST.

BONDAGE- The one who has agreed to be bound trusts the person binding them. They trust that while they are in that most vulnerable position that they will not have their body treated in any way that they did not consent to.

DISCIPLINE- The one who is disciplined trusts the leadership, knowledge of the one trying to teach them the ways to act, not act or behave. How grow to be a better human being, how to serve or open themselves up to the experience they agree and consented to. Finally, the consequences if those actions or expectations are not met. They trust the person who will perform the Discipline will not harm them mentally, physically or emotionally in ways they did not consent to. See Power Exchange below.

SADISM and MASOCHISM- Inflicting and receiving pain in a consensual manner. The masochist trusts the sadist to not perform acts or actions that they have not negotiated or consented to. Mentally, physically or emotionally. They trust that the sadist is skilled at what acts or limits the “play or scene” will include and will NOT include.

TRUST is the word we live by, it is the backbone of every single action and word that is used in the BDSM Lifestyle. Those that live or spend time in any Consensual Power Exchange relationship must have trust that their partner is communicating honestly and they will not cause harm to their partner. This may start with a Top/bottom, a Dominant/submissive then lead into a Master/slave or Owner/property dynamic. From the weekend play partner to the deepest 24/7 dynamic there must be trust and it must be maintained.

CONSENSUAL/ NON-CONSENT. What the hell is that? It is a simple statement and not extremely complex. My partner has given me consent that she no longer has consent in any given circumstance. She TRUSTS that I will not HARM her mentally, physically or emotionally intentionally. EVER. She trusts that I will not interfere with her work or career. She trusts that I will not interfere with her family relationships. She trusts that I will listen to her input but I will make the final decision in any given circumstance not listed above. She knows that in any S&M situation I will most likely cause pain but never cause HARM. We have a Consensual Power Exchange relationship.

I personally enjoy Fear, Control and generally being an Evil Bastard. I like being the one that is thought of when things go “bump in the night”, when the little noise they hear makes them go back to those moments as a child when they may wonder if there really IS a monster under the bed.

I AM the monster under the bed. I am the Predator and she is my Prey. I have the basest, most evil, taboo thoughts and urges. My mind comes up with the darkest sadistic extremes for the situation at hand. Each one I could flesh out and make real. I have a partner who is and can be frightened by those possibilities because they can and have been made real. Her imagination is as wild and intricate as mine and therefore extremely fun to manipulate. We share our experiences and each of us gets what we truly enjoy from the situation.

She trusts that I won’t (probably) make the barb wired flogger I threaten her with. (Insert maniacal laughter here) But the threat, deep in her mind remains………. “Would he really do that?” followed by “Would he really USE it?”

Fear play is based on control and control of someone’s emotions, state of mind, reactions and physical condition. Fear can release adrenaline, causing the heart to speed up, breathing to increase, muscles to tighten and sometimes cause paralysis. Fear play between partners who trust one another rarely causes the “Fight or Flight” condition because on a deep level my partner knows that I will cause her no HARM. She knows that I will be evil, mean, poke and prod, push her buttons but not go past the limits we have agreed upon. (Her socks also have to stay on – I respect that limit 99.9% of the time)

The adrenaline rush, the absolute control over her and the stimulus I provide is enjoyable to her and I absolutely enjoy providing that “stimulus”.

A blindfold, a hood remove her vision. She doesn’t know what exactly is going to happen or when it is going to happen. All her other senses are heightened, hearing, touch, smell. The level of control I have at that moment has been given to me freely and I take advantage of that vulnerability. Placing handcuffs on her, then putting her in a situation that she has no control of can be scary. Then put her in the back of a car and drive her to a place she has never been, doesn’t know or wouldn’t recognize even if she could see is terrifying.

NOTE TO READER- The human mind and body are very complex and performing an act one time may produce one response and the very same act may produce and entirely different response. This is normal and happens to many different people. Communication during and after are as important as the negotiations or limits that are set up prior to playing or having any scene with your partner or the person you are playing with.

Fear play, abduction play, Bondage, whips, floggers, rough body play, leaving marks (in publicly non-visible areas) are all things that we enjoy. Some I enjoy more than she does but she has given up her consent and knows it is up to me what and how things will happen.

SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) are slightly different ways of describing the things that we do. Some things that my partner and I do may be considered “not sane” but that’s such a subjective phrase with some of the things that can be done in the BDSM lifestyle that we both enjoy. Is playing with a knife Safe and Sane? Yes, it can be if you have experience and understand what can happen and take appropriate steps to mitigate any injury that may inadvertently occur. This addresses the RISK AWARE – sometimes things happen, there is risk in everything we do and we take every step to try to prevent those things from happening. What is common in both SSC and RACK is CONSENT.

I do not abuse my partner, I do not do anything that she has negotiated in advance as an ABSOLUTE limit and I would never cause her harm. She has placed absolute trust in me and it is also up to me to live up to the standards that level of trust requires. She also knows that in my heart (yes, there is a dark kernel still left in there) that she is MINE.

Have fun, be safe, learn all you can, listen to your partner and know your limits. Exploring the things you’ve always thought about with someone you can trust, opens up your world and changes how you see the world and the people around you.

Respectfully

Mr. James Sir

On Fetlife James_in_MKE  ~ aka scary ass clown. Scroll down if you’d like to see him.