Four Long Years As A Fetlife Creep ~ One Man’s Journey 13 comments


4 long years as a Fetlife creep

1590 days ago I got my first Fetlife message. It said “Thanks for joining FetLife :)”.

87 days ago I got my second message.
Today I let Fetlife know that I am in a relationship with a very cute female submissive.

The whole process was so completely counter-intuitive, it took me over four years to figure out.

I wanted to tell this story because we seem to be struggling to integrate male dominant newcomers. They seem especially prone to acting like creepy arseholes.
I spent 4 years one click away from being that Fetlife creep.
This is my story.

Four years and three months ago I joined Fetlife and started reading profiles. The first thing I noticed was that no one wanted to be my friend and they kinda would rather I didn’t get in touch and if I did get in touch they were pretty sure they weren’t going to get back to me unless my message was something damn special – I should especially avoid messages that just say “Hi”.

I deduced from this and other information that there must be a shit load of disturbing spam going out from Dominant leaning hetro-ish cis-males like me.

I want to be very careful how I contact anyone. I need write a message that says I read the profile and be clear that I have a shared interest with the person I’m contacting.

So once in a while it’s 3am and I am looking at a profile and she’s got a lovely picture of a her vulva and some fascinating writing about masturbation and her fantasies about cephalopods and I’m trying to compose a message along the lines of “You have a pretty vulva, I also like masturbation. Would you like chat about squid fucking?” without coming across as a total creep.
It’s harder than it sounds.
I deleted more than one message like that without sending it.

I read the advice.
The best advice that we give newcomers is – Go to a munch, go to a workshop, make friends, join the community.
I didn’t buy it. I just wanted to meet a few people – not join a cult. We got the internet now, who needs a coffee club – ain’t nobody got time for that.

I’m looking at the discussion boards – these folks all seem to know each other. I’m missing something here.

I was missing something huge.

Turns out Fetlife is simply the online reflection of a real-world BDSM scene. The real world BDSM scene is a large, multi-faceted, international, emotionally intense and surprising well connected network of smaller communities.

You, dear reader, either already know that and take it for granted or you don’t believe me because in the real world the BDSM scene is secret. So secret that there are secret bits inside the secret bits. So secret that when people say stuff like “go to a munch, met kinky people, they are really friendly – just don’t talk to them about kinky sex” it just sounds like complete bullshit.
The idea that there is some secret international network of friendly open minded people practicing their rope suspension together, hanging out in fisting classes, and then going for coffee is ludicrous – it’s freaky 60’s science fiction. It just happens to – strangely – be kind of true.
Despite being completely unbelievable this is the single most important thing you need to know if you want to navigate Fetlife. You need to understand that most of the conversation on Fetlife only really makes sense in the context of the related real world scene.

At this point in the story I get really lucky.
I had become massively lonely and finally, on day 1503, I went to a munch.
Next day I got my second Fetlife message.

It said “Hi”.

Almost all of my Fetlife activity post-dates that message. Almost all of my Fetlife activity is a reflection of my involvement in the real world scene. I made friends, I went to parties, I developed in-jokes and 85 days later I am in a relationship with the previously mentioned very cute female submissive.

It happened in the most utterly not Dominant way I could have imagined.

*Go to parties and munches.
*Chat to male submissives.
*Get introduced to female dominants.
*Get introduced to female submissives.
*Chat to female submissives – don’t think of them as submissive.
*Very carefully don’t talk about BDSM.
*Go to play parties.
*Stay very still and wear very shiny shoes.
*Hold someone’s crop for her at a party.
*Chat to a pretty girl about the crop.
*Let the pretty girl kiss me.
*Contact her via fetlife and be extremely formal and polite.
*Ask her out on a date.
*… etc … etc … etc … beat her nipples with a metal ruler.

Not an obvious strategy and for the first 78 days or so, utterly lacking in any actual Dominating.

So when we tell newcomers the basic Fetlife advice “Go to a munch. Make some friends, Don’t talk about kinky sex. Don’t try and dominate or submit to strangers. Trust me it will work out” I’m not surprised that they don’t believe it. Until you see it for yourself it’s totally counter-intuitive.

I sympathize, I know what it’s like to spend four years not knowing what to say to all these cool people you can see on Fetlife. Being really scared of being a dick and knowing that loneliness and desperation aren’t sexy and are increasing my chances of saying something stupid. Four years being so worried of saying the wrong thing that I didn’t say anything. Four years of writing a message and not being sure enough to press Say It.

In so many ways the only thing that separated me from the creepy spammers is that they are braver than me.
They have the courage to press the Say It button.
It’s just that, as it turns out, most of the time, they shouldn’t.

Side Note: 

Beauty came upon this post on Fetlife and wrote this man because she felt his story was powerful and very informative. It chronicles his struggle to find a partner, in his case a female submissive. He spent four long years hanging about on Fetlife, ignoring the advice of those who know the secret to finding a great D/s match. You must get out there people. If you want to be involved in a kink relationship, the place to go is a munch. 

We are not creepy, shifty, promiscuous, lewd, crazy or unethical. We are not demented nor are we broken. We are a group of people who make up communities large and small who know the secret to a fulfilling kink lifestyle is to get involved. We aren’t scary, we don’t run around doing weird stuff except at large kink events, and you wouldn’t know us from any other people in the restaurant or bar. We’re normal. Really. We just have a different form of recreation and a different take on relationships.

If you want what we have, get out from in front of the computer and go to a munch. Type your town or the nearest city into the search box on Fetlife and just go!


About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Bloggers. Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship's Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.

13 thoughts on “Four Long Years As A Fetlife Creep ~ One Man’s Journey

  • Jack

    I mean I would concur and say that a large majority if not the entire majority of the BDSM community is demonic. Not because of what they do, but because of the people they turn out to be in relationship. I learned first hand that it isnt an “innocent fetish/kink”, it’s actually deep-rooted childhood trauma rearing its ugly head and then having an identity built around it with pride. Not a good mix of things. Everyone I’ve dated from the BDSM/kink community has been an absolute nightmare when it comes to love. Sure y’all can whack each other around with sticks and floggers, but can you really love each other? Like the way human beings require? I haven’t seen it.

  • tuleasorin

    Sorkado is a adult social network dedicated to people who are interested in BDSM, Fetishism Kink and Swing. It’s very similar to Facebook  but it’s mostly run by kinksters

    Sorkado ( was launched in early 2016.

    This is a members only site, so you have to sign up. (it’s free though) and basically once a member you could create a personal profile. You can also upload/view pictures and videos, including explicit ones that are often rejected by other sites.

    And you can write erotic stories on theyr erotic storie section and send and receive private messages  from or with other members.

    There’s also groups where people form events, conventions, parties, workshops; all in which people RSVP to attend and meet other members. It’s pretty interesting and really cool.

  • one44

    Sites like Fetlife of which there are very few are a great help to society in general as it allows an outlet for what society may still not yet have accepted. Much like Gay marriage. The main two gripes about Fetlife are the lack of search-ability and the outing of members for abuse or trolling. This is why chose to go the other route of the argument and allow the members to police themselves by outing members nicknames who are abusive or trolls. Safety after all should be the overriding consideration and not paying membership numbers.

  • andomynous

    It’s a simply problem–no one in the year 2015 wants to “actually” meet anyone from online. It’s all BS. Wish I could say better but that is the real truth. This country is in a real mess like never before.

    • BeautysPunishment

      My finding Fetlife and being online there helped me meet my wife, and I don’t believe I would have been able to meet her otherwise. She went to a munch after not being in a bar for twenty years since she does not drink anymore, and the bar scene is not her thing. She had written me and other people that were going to that particular munch ahead of time. So technically for me it isn’t BS.

  • Lookingforauser

    What an enjoyable was so true.
    I tried fet life and unlike you i got bombed with peoples opinions on what I was asked to do by another.
    99 per cent were negative and against it and one percent were positive.
    I was asked by a Dominant female I met on to brand Herand be sub to me.Now that does sound odd to some,but it does make sense if you take the time to think about it which many in the scene I got answers from did not.
    I wont mention her name but if her photo was real..she was hot.
    She said she was Dominant and bisexual and wanted to meet both male and female subs and do what she does.
    In some people,they are naturally dominant others cross over from being sub or subs cross over to be dominant.
    To be open about it..i was a sub and became a Dominant male simply because i took so much crap on an emotional level..i became a total depraved whore in my head.not to mention what physical things i was doing for my dom female partner mistress owner..yes it went to my head and i believed all those things because of my submission.
    In hind sight it brought out the dominant assertive male i was meant to the sense that while i can be calm and a push over with women..i can no longer take the shit some of them believe in and some women out there are total pre madonnas .is that spelt wrong ? most likely..not to worry..
    Now I get get joy pissing the shit out of Pro Do females and lifestyle Mistresses and especially Fin Dom women who to me are so narrow minded there is more to Fem dom than Fin Domination..I wonder if they can manage money at all..that they need other peoples money to live the lifestyle they cant afford on their own..Dont get me wrong if that is what you like that is fine with me..I now get a laugh from all the Fin Dom women who think they are in control when they are in fact in submission themselves..they just dont know it and while I put forward my case and opinion I have been blocked from many of their emails addresses and blogs and twitter accounts because their not able to say yes iI am correct..Hiding behind an electronic blocking device on say twitter..collarspace etc only shows me their weakness..
    I got out of the scene because I discovered better things in my life and stimulate my mind with happy things..a different kind of happiness and joy I once thought it was.
    where was I ..oh yeh..
    Some dominant women want to submit to a Dominant this case or at least the idea was being sub to Me made her more Dominant to the subs She had.. I am old school in my ideas on D/s..but trying to find a Sub female to think less of her needs before she can attending to the needs of the person she wants to submit to is funny..or trying to get inside the head of a Dominant female to get her to understand what I am doing to her is for Her enjoyment in the long run..
    Anyway she wanted me to brand Her..Yes I had issues with it and at the same time I felt a sense of honour that some one wanted to have MY Name on Her flesh…full time..Unlike a Tattoo I do not know if a brand will fade in time ? and besides Fem Dom/sub..Male Dom/sub are just as hard to maintain as vanilla relationships..some last for years and other fail…..inkings last forever and fade in time but remain..unless lasered away..In the mind of a Dom male to think even if this liason was full time or to end one woman in the world would be always sub to my property for the rest of her life was attractive at the time..
    My question on fetlife was…..Can anyone tell me where I may find a person who can do branding..I would like to do it myself but I do not know how….I am willing to pay for your services and where can I find a person to make a custom one use only branding tool…
    For a of what you all say you are into,,by god the amount of fet life members are suddenly negative about it.. dont do it..think of the implications.. you know…
    I had thought about it..I knew the implications and the long term effects…but answer the F…. question you do know or you dont what is being asked and not what you think I want to hear ..
    In a nut shell it did not happen..but I did get a custom branding tool from US and now sits in my closet never to be used as it means nothing to Me now..we did not stay in contact for very long and she..YES you guessed it..she blocked me on her profile page..viber account..for which I am very glad now..but I will admit that the prospects of having My own personal front and rear to slid the dip stick in a missed opportunity … I was going to lock her in chastity to keep Her horny and aroused for Her sessions with Her subs… some times abstaining from sex ..makes sex more exciting as the mind and body learns to crave it.
    I have a new life away from the dark world of BDSM and collarspace and fet life and
    Sorry for boring you all ..:)…..oh I got into this when I was 32 and dragged myself out by the time I was 50..better late than never..working on removing those one cherished addictions

    • BeautysPunishment

      Thanks for the nice long comment on our post; I’ll ask Jolynn to read this also. My adventure into kink hasn’t been all kittens and rainbows, Jolynn just prefers that I not talk about my dicey stuff I have done.

  • Quentin Steele

    My ex-girlfriend has a sex addiction related to her sexual abuse as a teenager. She is addicted to FetLife. We fought over it, she hit me, and went to jail for six months. It is not an innocent playground for kinksters. It destroys lives.

    • BeautysPunishment

      Quentin – I use it more as a tool for the website, and keep track of my friends and events they are going to. If she had a sex addiction, she was just focusing on Fetlife. If it wasn’t Fet, it might have been Craig’s List, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, CollarMe (CollarSpace now), ALT, or something like it. I’m not saying the Fet is an innocent playground since I’ve been on there for almost five years.

      I’ve made my fair share of mistakes relating to kink and my sex life, but now I know more how to handle myself. My deal was that a lot of it happened when I separated from my second husband, and did whatever, whether it was dicey or not. I didn’t care what happened and didn’t give a fuck, and I did what I wanted when I wanted to. I was hyper sexual until I was 44-45 years old, and thought I had a sex addiction or something like it. I’m sorry that happened to you, and I know it sucks. If you want to talk about it more and try to get past this, you are always welcome to email me at:

      Hugs to you

    • VoiceofReason

      @Quentin Steele:
      Sexual abuse, especially in early life, destroys lives. Not kink. Not Fetlife.
      Let’s keep the responsibility where it belongs.
      I would hazard a guess that the predator who stole her innocence was a vanilla, heterosexual, as most are. You can’t legitimately “tar and feather” everyone who happens to be different with the same brush as a sexual predator because she chose to join the site, and subsequently made dangerous choices and involved herself in high risk behaviors. I’m sorry for the experiences she had, and the pain it caused you both, but let’s no go overboard demonizing the largely responsible, and ethical, core Kink community.
      Truth be told, she was far more likely to be molested by a family member, priest, pastor, teacher, or scout leader, than by someone who likes kinky sex with other consenting adults, and in fact, that is what happened to her.
      Now sex addiction is an illness that she carries with her wherever she goes. The same thing could happen to her on Facebook. Her decision to attack you was due to mental illness, and no doubt your merciless criticism, and harsh prejudice against something you don’t understand, not Fetlife. The fact that you called the police on your mentally ill partner when she acted out at you, instead of getting her psychiatric help, was your choice. It did more harm than good. But that was your own decision. There were other choices you could have made before you involved the police. We treat those who suffer from mental illness abysmally in our culture. We criminalize mental illness. You fell into that trap and screwed up her life, and your own. That was your huge mistake. Your statements are analogous to blaming a DUI on the store that sells alcohol. Many people use alcohol safely. Many people use Fetlife safely. Grow up and take responsibility.

  • Jolynn Raymond

    Thank you for the feedback. I’m so glad he figured things out and got out from behind the computer. We’re like our own secret society living among everyone else. going to a much as either a dominant or a submissive gives you the opportunity to speak to others about the person you may be interested in or who has contacted you. Safety in numbers. I can say I come with references for I have a large community of people who know me or know of me. I take zero offense by someone asking others about me, in fact someone who does find it offensive are waving a red flag.

  • Jennifer France

    I am glad he finally listened. If people dont *know* you then they arent going to trust you – not for a very long time. Munches/Sloshes are safety nets (for both parties). You get to see how they interact in the community and have the safety of others that can leave you alone to chat or be there to intervene for those trolls that learned as well 😛
    And I love Fetlife 🙂

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