SRR – Round Table Discussion: When Your Vanilla Partner Doesn’t Share Your Kink 23 comments

Spanking roundtable This weeks Spanking Romance Reviews {SRR} Roundtable Discussion topic is The Vanilla Spouse: When Your Significant Other Doesn’t Share Your Fetish.  It is being hosted by Katherine Deane.


Usually it’s Jolynn that tells you what’s what, but I had something to say about this as I’ve already lived it.

So, long before I had met my husband I had already been reading all the books and magazines that I could get my hands on before I turned 18. I grew up in the 70’s when swinging and disco were big, and my Mom would take me to bookstores and I’d ask her if I could have a book. One book I snabbed was about swinging. I don’t remember the title, but I remember the color of the book. I trotted around the neighborhood reading it, and I thought that was interesting. I babysat for single ladies that went out to the disco or party and was glad to for a $1 an hour.

When I was nineteen I met my first husband, but we didn’t move in together until I turned twenty in the winter. When you are young it’s hard to know if you are going to have things in common when you get older. This was 1986 and so when we were first together we did have things in common like sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll.

I moved to the country to be with him from Milwaukee and I was bored to tears. When you are used to going out dancing and listening to live bands, to sitting in a bar with guys who think putting on a clean baseball cap is dressing up.

Fast forward to my late twenties, I was reading the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice, and Exit to Eden (before they turned it into a crummy movie and ruined it.) I also had read Nine 1/2 Weeks, the Story of O, and Pat Calfia’s Sensuous Magic: A Guide for Adventurous Couples. So all of these books have to do something with D/s. I was nowhere near having a D/s relationship with my husband. He thought anal sex and going to the strip club with me was living it up. I tried everything I could to help him kink it up.

We had subscriptions to Playboy, Penthouse, and at one point Hustler. Kind of crass, I know. We had the Playboy Channel, rented ‘dirty’ movies, and watched HBO’s Real Sex. I got catalogs in the mail from the Fetish Factory that you had to fill out the order form and send away in the mail to get things. I still have quite a few catalogs I couldn’t part with, and theirs is one of them.

Why am I telling you what I read and what we had? It has to do with all the things I wanted, and BDSM was just a  daydream that I was having, since I was living in vanilla world. I had a really high libido also, and he would tell me to stop that, and go to sleep. Or if we have just fooled around and he got his, he would fuss if I asked him for a grand finale. Like it was a big inconvenience that he couldn’t just roll over and take a nap before he went to trot off and do something else for the day. Sorry, golf and sports, and drinking in the bar watching golf and sports is not that exciting.

So in my late 30’s when I was interested in building computers, and not interested in doing what he wanted, he ended up having feelings for a woman that he worked with for quite a long time, and ended up spending loads of time with her, sitting in the bar and playing Euchre or going on golf outings where you drink when you are playing. This is right after you get up and it’s 8am or earlier in the morning. No thanks. This is also when I was doing health care and had other things to do with my time. So, I ended up moving back to Milwaukee when I was 36 years old.

I met my second husband who thought he was dominant, and he gave it a try, and would do a little more of the kinky things with me. But, he also didn’t want to keep a job and he drank when he was in a depressed state, when he was on a downswing from being manic. Plus he didn’t want to take meds to help any of that, so we lived apart more than we did together it seemed like. I did give him loads of chances since I’m swell like that.

Not to mention that I am Bisexual, and neither of my husbands understood that. My first husband openly mocked me for it and told everything to his friends, so we had no secrets, and I felt like my dignity went with it. My second husband figured that if I could have a girlfriend, then he would to. That went over real well, and it was more like he was on the computer while he was drinking, trying to pick up girls over webcam. You could smell the alcohol in the hallway outside the apartment. Didn’t make me want to go home, so I worked two jobs.

So, that is my bumpy road on the way to kink, which didn’t really happen until I was 43 years old. Can you say, what a long fucking time to get there?

I met Jolynn in August of the year I was 43. I had been dating a Dom that his kink was not my kink, even though it was great fun in the beginning that Spring. He wanted no limits by the end of the relationship. The thing is that I have limits, and don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t have any, and that person can do whatever they want to do. He was the first person that really spanked me, and incorporated it into our play.

Jolynn, as you know is a spanker, and enjoys the more dark side of play. She can let that out with her masochist play partner with the special toys. I’m a more sensual person, and not hardcore. So here we are, with a Dungeon in the basement. I love Jolynn and I don’t tell her all the time, and I should. I love you Jolynn.

I Love You on the beach

About BeautysPunishment

Once a wild brat that couldn’t be tamed, I have been in a 24/7 DD, D/s relationship since July 14, 2011. We had a collaring ceremony lead by Mistress Joanne and attended by friends. I’m only submissive to Jolynn. Every day I run our business, and anything else so Jolynn can write her books in peace and quiet when she has time. I am the housewife, secretary, publicist, pet parent, and doer of good deeds, squirrel, and fueled by caffeine. Redbull gives me wings to fly through the internets. It is my drink of choice, and it's what's for breakfast. I tend to put my foot in mouth, and will say things without thinking; so if I offend anyone, it's not intentional. I am blunt and to the point, and don't have an inner monologue. According to Jolynn, I don’t have an off button. She keeps trying to find it on the top of my head. I have an off the wall sense of humor; more often than not I am impulsive, a little loud, and sometimes obnoxious. But that's just me.

23 thoughts on “SRR – Round Table Discussion: When Your Vanilla Partner Doesn’t Share Your Kink

  • Normandie Alleman (@NormandieA)

    Thanks for sharing your journey. It’s even more special when you find that person who’s right for you after having gone down roads where it didn’t work out.

    Looking back I think I realized my 1st husband was vanilla when I told him he could cum on my face and he looked at me funny and said, “Why would I do that?” Lol.

  • annapurna1951

    An incredible journey, wonderfully told, I connected with your words in the sand, a loving tribute to your incredible partner. I wish you all the happiness this world can bring, and maybe a little bit more. Thank you so much for sharing your life. I feel warmth and glow from your words.

  • Casey McKay

    Thanks for opening and sharing. The thing I take most from this is that I am so happy for you now that you have met Jolynn and you are free to be who you want to be. I think it’s hard figuring out who you are, figuring out what you want, and then asking for it. When you have a partner who is less than receptive it can be discouraging. I am really glad that you moved on from the ones who did not appreciate you, they didn’t deserve you.

    • BeautysPunishment Post author

      Thanks Casey. I have had quite a few boyfriends beside the husbands, and no one really got me. Meeting people in the lifestyle over four years ago now, was so freeing. I’m like, “It’s my people!” You can pretty much say whatever you want, which I do all the time anyway, but people are more understanding and they don’t think you are a freak.

  • Celeste Jones

    Thanks for sharing so much about yourself Kathy. The thing that stood out for me in this post was your comment about your husband who told everyone you were bisexual. First, I hope a large TV from a sports bar falls on him. Second, it’s fear of that sort of disrespect that I think probably keeps many people from sharing their real desires with their partners and I think that’s really unfortunate.

    • BeautysPunishment Post author

      This is a bit of what I have on my Fetlife profile:

      You cannot try to change who I am to suit you. If you try to make me into someone that I am not, I will not be happy in the relationship, whatever that may be. Either take me as I am, or don’t take me. I don’t put up with bullshit in any form; manners and common sense will earn you points with me.

      I tend to put my foot in mouth, and will say things without thinking; so if I offend anyone, it’s not intentional. I am blunt and to the point, and don’t have an inner monologue. More often than not I am impulsive, a little loud, and sometimes obnoxious. But that’s just me.

      I kept trying to write back in the little box to reply but it kept eating my note.

      Having someone be a jerk ass to you for 17 years is a long time to put up with that shit. I did laugh when you said a TV should fall on him. Half the time he didn’t come home for dinner since he was at the bar and his cell phone was in the truck. I’d try to call there and then the bartender would be stupid to me on the phone. My youngest who is 24, still knows the number by heart even though we have been back in Milwaukee since he was 13 years old.

  • Jolynn Raymond

    Oh my. I took way to long to read this. I’m sorry I forgot about this baby. We certainly do learn as we go and make decisions that are more focused on ourselves by the time we hit our 40’s. Now in my 50’s I can honestly say these are the best days of my life. I found my kink a good long time ago, and was lucky enough to have some great kinky relationships, but none of them compare to my beautiful wife. No one moved me and felt so very right as you Kathy. No one was offered a collar or a wedding ring. We are a wonderful fit and I couldn’t ask for a more perfect wife. I will love you for two forevers.

  • Megan Michaels

    I guess as the woman in her early 50s here, I need to stress with you all that as amazing as your 40s are, wait until you are in your 50s. I love my 50s. There is waaaaaay more freedom. So glad everything has worked its way to what you want in your 40s, enjoy it and look forward to your 50s. LOL

    • BeautysPunishment Post author

      Jolynn is already picking houses out in areas that she wants to retire. She’s always on the Zillow app. My kids are going to be 25 and 29 and I have grand babies from both. It’s been at least two years that everyone has been out of the house and not come back to live there. Yay for that. I’ll take my body back that I had in my early thirties though.

  • Natasha Knight

    That was a really nice post. I think it does take us some time to figure this out and I’m always envious of those who have it figured out in their twenties! I’m glad you found what and who you needed and I love the ending of your post. May there be many more happy years ahead.


    • BeautysPunishment Post author

      Thanks Natasha. Our anniversary is July 14th, so around that time you’ll see Jolynn post something every year. We celebrated our honeymoon in Madison at a kink event that we are going to this year. It’s a bummer it’s not at the Radisson anymore, since the help was really nice and they had good food at all hours. Jolynn is the room service Queen.

  • katherinedeane

    Ooh, I agree with Tara! It does seem like I became more open after I hit 40. Or at least more confident about my desires, and willing to be open. 🙂

    I am so glad you finally found what you wanted and needed. And I’m sorry about the other relationships that didn’t work. But the way I figure it, finding things I don’t like or are not for me, help me get closer to finding what I do like and want.

    Ok, I am not sure if that made sense.
    Thanks for sharing so openly!

    • BeautysPunishment Post author

      That’s ok Katherine, I know what you meant. It just felt like it was always a huge struggle to get what I wanted, or be appreciated. I’ve always said what’s on my mind, and my sister would never know what was going to be said. I bet I can still get her to slap her forehead. 🙂

  • Rachel

    My first Husband was Completely Vanilla, i never trusted him enough to explore fantasies with so it was not until my divorce that i was able to explore.

  • tarafinneganromance

    That was a wonderful post, Kathy. Can I say how great it was to see you do it?
    Obviously you have yearned after BDSM for many years and I’m thrilled you finally have found what you need.
    It’s interesting that you met Jolynn at 43, I think it’s so much easier to know what you want and to have the confidence to pursue it as you get older. Once we hit 40, we are less inhibited, or not so intimidated at the thought of being considered a little odd!

    • BeautysPunishment Post author

      Thanks Tara, that was super nice. I’ve always been the weird black sheep of the family with no filter. 😛
      My kids have my warped sense of humor since they didn’t get it from their Dad, and also don’t come with a filter.

      My oldest has actually gone to Munches with me and met his first older girlfriend (she was 40 then). Now he’s got two older girlfriends that I haven’t yet met, and I think the third one is younger. I was telling Jolynn he must need someone to mother him yet.

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