The Act of Collaring 29 comments


Beauty’s Collar and Wedding Ring

The act of collaring one’s submissive or slave has many variations to some, and only one true way to others. Whether you find yourself in the meet today, collar tomorrow crowd, or the collaring is very serious business crowd, it is a subject and act that can spawn much debate. As always, my views are simply my views, expressed in a way that will hopefully educate and enlighten my readers. Your mileage may vary, in fact it should to some extent because the act of collaring is a very personal one.

When I met my wife Beauty, I’d had several long term M/s relationships prior to her, but I never collared any of those ladies. While it’s true, they had a play collar worn during kinky play and jewelry that was special because it represented our relationship, they never received a collar. To be honest, I am appalled at how lightly the giving of a collar is done by some. To me, collaring my wife was just as meaningful as our wedding and exchange of rings. The marriage and the collar given that day are for life, and that is not a decision made lightly or on a whim.

When things began progressing in my relationship with Beauty, there were steps taken to get further into our power exchange relationship. We discussed the rules and expectations she would be living under, what things I would not tolerate, a list of iron clad rules, and a list of things it wouldn’t be in her best interest to do. I also outlined my responsibilities and what she would receive in return. Some of my expectation focused on her health. She was to eat healthy, take any medicines, etc. Some her behavior, others on all the little things that make us work. She was gradually brought deeper as my expectation increased. How she is to present herself and act in public, how her body is to be kept, as well as what to expect if a rule is broken or if she failed to do a task she was told to do. By accepting my collar, she said yes to all of the above.

After a good bit of time with her living with me, knowing how I dominate and discipline, knowing how I would care for her, what routines and protocol were expected and such, I sat her down and told her she would be getting a training/under consideration collar. Now some will tell you right out that a training collar is stupid or just a way to try and tie a submissive to you without a full commitment. That is not so. Beauty wore the collar I chose for her during her training, it simply didn’t have the intricate lock that slides on and hangs like a charm. Her training wasn’t an “If you screw up you’re out of here” thing. It was a period of time for us both to live as we would the rest of our lives together. Her training or under consideration collar was a way for her to show the world she belonged to me and that she was loved and cherished. Pretty much like an engagement ring.

We are of course a Female/female couple, so we can not get legally married in our state, so the act of collaring Beauty held even more significance. My wife wore her training collar though out our exploration of each other and while I made certain she knew what her life would be like once she bound herself to me completely. On the day we were married and had the collaring ceremony, the words spoken about our D/s relationship, and the sealing of that relationship with the act of my putting her always collar around her neck was the symbolic gesture that meant Beauty was mine, owned and collared by me forever. just as a wedding ceremony binds two people.

As I said above. The collar wasn’t one sided. I made promises as well, like any couple getting married, and like any couple in a healthy power exchange relationship. In the end, simply put, the collar she wears means forever, just as the ring does, and both hold a place of extremely high importance. It isn’t just a bit of jewelry, and the act of collaring her was not done frivolously or without thought. It also took nearly a year for us to reach the point where I deemed collaring appropriate.

I have witnessed a very different view on collaring springing up over the past year or so, and I have to say it annoys me, but that does not mean I sit in judgment of others. It simply means my belief system is different. I am not Old Guard, but do believe in protocol and seriousness in aspects of BDSM that deserve them. I am not a person who runs around all serious, and never brings fun into the kinky aspects of my life and BDSM play. Hell, last weekend my play partner Justine and I were completely ridiculous while we were doing heavy impact play. Whenever he and I play there is much laughter to be had. We are mindful of those playing around us if we are in a small area because it isn’t right to ruin someone’s scene because we are loud and silly, but half the time we leave those watching laughing as well. But, there is a time for silliness and a time for high protocol.

A collar given frivolously, handed out a couple days or even a month, let alone the morning after meeting and having a marathon night of kinky sex and play devalues what used to be seen as an act of promises, proper training, belonging, and forever IMO. BDSM relationships split up just as vanilla ones do, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who would roll their eyes up at two people who just met and had a few great nights of sex getting engaged or running off and getting married. It’s just a commitment that comes too soon and may contain no real meaning. The collar around Beauty’s neck does mean she is owned, but it also means she is cherished, loved, protected, secure, and mine.

So… in my mind: Again this is MY opinion only

Collaring should be done well after the relationship is established.

The Gor variety of collaring the woman for life when you see her and asking questions and training later falls short for the same reason frivolous collaring in any D/s relationship is. I admit to not being well-schooled in Gor but have engaged in debate with more than a few Gor kinksters, and we don’t see eye to eye.

A training collar or being under consideration doesn’t just mean I wanted to get in her pants faster and can toss her aside. It meant she was being trained by me so she could learn and understand my expectations.

My collaring Beauty held as much meaning as my marrying her did.

Her collar means forever. We have a committed relationship and have agreed that we would seek counseling and work through problem for six months to a year before we ever split.

Beauty’s collar is not just a piece of jewelry. It symbolizes taken, owned, cherished, loved, forever.

Collaring someone on a whim would devalue the act for me. Now I know that sounds uppity but what I mean is the symbolization in the BDSM community is diminishing and that bothers me. I have to question why because those who say gay marriage devalues regular marriage are full of shit in my book so why is it okay for me to think collaring after a night of kinky rough and tumble devalues  the very high protocol act that was performed between my wife and I? I guess it’s just a belief. I don’t go around trying to tell those who jumped on the kink bandwagon because of 50 Shades that they’re wrong.  This is my blog and so I share what I believe here. Bashing anyone here is not okay, differences of opinion express and discussed in a polite manner, are.

People must make their own decisions. Much depends on the type of kinky lifestyle you want. Weekend kinksters and those who are bedroom only kinsters may have no use for collaring or may only use a play collar. Beauty does have a play collar; her good one can’t be worn when we are playing. How you see a collar may differ greatly from my views, but I stand by the belief that a collar is something that should be worn with pride because the submissive or slave has deep meaning attached to it.

The words were serious and loving; the ring and collar put on forever. That means something people, at least in my book.


About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Bloggers. Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship's Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.

29 thoughts on “The Act of Collaring

  • SouthernSir

    An excellent post and Beauty’s collar is lovely.
    I agree 100% with everything you have said, collaring is important, it is a sign of commitment, loyalty, and trust. Like submission it is something earned over time.
    It seems that today velcro collars are a dime a dozen. They are put on as fast as they are taken off.
    Collaring is something that has been discussed in my current relationship, we have been together now for a year. While we are looking at bringing our relationship closer it is something we are working towards.
    When the time comes I want it to mean something deeper, something more then just a piece of jewelry.

    As for Gor, I have read more then half the books in the Gor series. While there are some good principals and background for the BDSM lifestyle and D/s , scooping someone off the street and locking a collar on them does not a sub/slave make.

    • Jolynn Raymond

      Well said. Yes, there are some principals of Gor that mirror the higher protocols which I personally like for me and mine, but some of them are not practical. You know that I preach tolerance so I have to do my best to keep an open mind. There are those who say gay marriage will devalue marriage between a man and woman, which I think is ridiculous. Perhaps our views that the dime a dozen Velcro collar cheapens the solemn act of collar is misguided. I guess in a way it’s similar and in a way it’s very different. Those of us who are same sex and wish for marriage are very committed to each other where as the Velcro collar people are not.

      I am rambling and it’s early. I read about the comparisons somewhere but talking it out here makes me think it isn’t comparable. Thanks for your input.

  • thekinkyworldofvile

    Miss Lizzy sent me the link to your blog, and I am grateful she did.

    This is my opinion . A collar is earned not giving. Your correct the lifestyle has changed but it has not just been in the last year. About ten years ago I saw a different light emerge, and it was not good.
    Some ten years ago there was what I would call a huge split, the same thing that happens within a church, eh lets go 15 yrs. There was a huge out break of what is called the pansexual epidemic

    From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
    Pansexuality, or omnisexuality,[1] is sexual attraction, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction toward people of all gender identities and biological sexes.[2][3] Self-identified pansexuals may consider pansexuality a sexual orientation,[3] and refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[4] The Oxford Dictionary of English defines pansexuality as, “not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regard to gender or activity”.[5]

    The concept of pansexuality rejects the gender binary, the “notion of two genders and indeed of specific sexual orientations”,[3] as pansexual people are open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women.

    Okay so lets go back now to the Old Leather Guard. Their three main ingredients, Structure , Rules and the most important which is forgotten today is Protocols.
    Without those three ingredients in the lifestyle you cannot have a D’s relationship and certainly not an M’s which I am in a M’s relationship, and married to my slave.

    I have nothing against the Gay community be it male or female, because everyone has to love someone, you have to be happy with you, it does not matter what others may think, but if you do not have Rules, Structure, or Protocols you have nothing.

    Now where am I going with all of this. The pansexual group and again I am not putting anyone down because you have to be happy, but if your out banging who ever and what ever, you have none of the three ingredients above. How can one function as a D’s or M’s.

    I am sure there are many who are pansexual that would disagree with me, and I am fine with that this is just my opinion.

    My wife who is my slave whom I trained and it was not a week crash course, cannot understand the disrespect within the community when we attend local functions. She does not understand how a slave can back talk her Master and him laugh, or the way some women dress when out. She knows my way and only my way.
    I pick and choose her friends as well, some have approached me and told me I was wrong. I will explain this as well.
    I run a very structured home, I do have rules that are followed, and I do have strict protocols that are followed to a T. I have even had Dominants approach me and tell me I am to strict, I need to let up. This is all coming from people who are pansexual.

    I have had Dominants and Master come straight out and ask me if they could fuck my slave, even trade for the weekend. I was thinking really dude.

    Now back to the collar, sorry I get of track at times. A collar is earned , it was some seven months before I collared my Slave. As a matter of fact I collared her the day we got married, it was done together, Ha find a preacher to do that.
    A collar is a commitment a true sign of ownership, to belong to, and it runs deeper, I believe much deeper than any ring could go.

    Today you meet on Friday and the sub or slave is collared before dinner is over, and they begin their training sucking cock in the parking lot of a Dennys. With a Dom they have known all of an hour.

    I have blogged about collars a couple of times.
    A very nice post here.
    Much Love

    • Jolynn Raymond

      Thank you for your detailed comment. I do my best to focus on what’s right for me and mine and practice tolerance for those who have different views, but at times it’s hard because yes, I have witnessed a deterioration of the ideals that were common when I first entered the lifestyle.

        • Jolynn Raymond

          That’s why I try to encourage joining the local kink community. The younger ones here have their own munches but there are some who mix with us older folks at the main munches. They do want to learn and see the value in experience. You know the saying you can lead a horse to water. I think we just need to hold tight to what we value and welcome them in hopes that we can have conversations about the more serious side of kink.

  • LittleBoPeep

    Fantastic post. This is still a hot topic between me and Sir, but I’m done trying to explain how much it would mean to me, both in our conversations and on my blog.

    • Jolynn Raymond

      I know that a collar means different things to different people. Communication is the key. I understand that you get frustrated because he doesn’t seem to get it, but perhaps he gets it but doesn’t agree. Maybe you could ask him his views and reason without voicing yours. He knows yours (which are very important but focus on his). Listen, digest, and then think about how wide your differences are and how they can be bridged.

      • LittleBoPeep

        Yes, thank you, we have discussed this ad nauseum. He gets it, but doesn’t agree. He said he would consider my request, but made it clear I’m not to bring it up again. I’m working on accepting his decision :). I’ll get there, I usually do.

  • hissierra9

    The day Sir first collared me opened up a whole new life with Him. I take it very seriously. And on another note, this country needs to wake the hell up and realize EVERYBODY deserves the right to marry whomever they love. Period. It’s HUMAN rights. Separate is NOT equal. I will now hop down off my little soapbox and say how gorgeous Beauty’s collar is. Well done!

    • Jolynn Raymond

      Thank you for the soapbox speech. It is appreciated to know most people are for equal rights. I’m grateful that being in the lifestyle gives us another way to bind ourselves to each other along with the marriage. The kink community values our relationship as highly as it does heterosexual relationships. As for the collar, we searched for months to find something perfect.

  • Kayla Lords

    I agree with you. In a previous relationship, my Sir told me he would consider (later on) collaring but not marriage. For me, they both are about commitment. My own personal view is that I won’t have one without the other. If my Dominant loves and cherishes me enough to collar me, he should love and cherish me enough to marry me. (That’s just me, though.) In my current relationship, we have briefly discussed the importance of collaring, but we’re not to the level yet where we’re ready to take that next step. And I’m ok with that. Collaring is too important to be done willy-nilly on a whim. At least in my opinion.

    • Jolynn Raymond

      Communication is the key to all relationships. Talking about collaring isn’t an act done to push someone into it or anything. You’re smart to bring it up so you both can work towards that goal if you both wish to. Stick to your beliefs and values. Thank you for a insightful comment.

  • phoenixasubbie

    I agree with you, and I love that you laid out ground rules for working through issues before breaking up. I wish more couples would include that in their contracts or personal agreements. I know I’d like my partner to take our relationship that seriously.

    I believe it is equal to a wedding ring, and I hope one day I can make that commitment to someone, and them to me…

    And it’s beautiful 🙂

    • Jolynn Raymond

      Thank you. It’s easier to work things out before hand so each person knows what the other expects than it is after. I wouldn’t go into a life long commitment thinking I could change the person. It is idealistic and leads to unhappiness for all involved. I mean to keep her for life.

    • Jolynn Raymond

      Thank you and you are funny. Yes you get to see Beauty. Her ring, her collar, and the still present sun burn/tan from the scorching she received 4 months before our ceremony in New Orleans. Thanks Trent.

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