From the Mail Bag – Finding a Dominant 2 comments

Dear Jolynn,

BDSM was my first introduction to porn- I think I was 12 or 13 when I found a ‘dungeon’ website- for a while I think I thought all kinds of sex looked like that, and BDSM was pretty much what I envisioned as a norm. As time passed, I think I ‘conditioned’ myself to increasingly rougher porn- I’m 18 now and I literally cannot get myself off on anything other than very rough sex or bondage. I cannot envision myself in a relationship without BDSM (be it the TPE variety or in small doses)

And it is this exact problem that has prevented me from getting into a long-term relationships. I know I’m only 18, and that I shouldn’t dismiss partners just because there’s a possibility they’re not into the stuff I’m into, but I don’t know how to tell if people are interested in BDSM, and I don’t think I can be in a relationship with someone who isn’t-my problem is that “Hey, would you be ok with being my Dominant” isn’t exactly a thing that you’d ask someone! To top this off i’m also a virgin- I don’t even know if I should be *sure* that I am confident of wanting BDSM in my life, at some point in the future.

Any advice is welcome and much appreciated 🙂

Hi Leanna,

I moved this to the front page because I’m sure you are not the only person who wonders about this subject. I’m going to ask you to talk with my wife in more detail. she’ll email you. The first thing a submissive needs is not a dominant, it’s another submissive who is experienced and can tell you all about being the new submissive on the block. You need a buddy or mentor, and Beauty would be perfect.

Your fixation with BDSM after seeing it and thinking it was the norm, is not that uncommon. I don’t think you should give up on a vanilla relationship, but I do think you should explore (safely) BDSM. That does not mean any of the following.

1. Hunt for a dominant online. Very bad idea, especially on collarme.
2. Accept that someone is a dominant just because they say so. A submissive has rights, and one of those rights is making sure they are safe and that the person trying to be your dominant knows what they are doing.
3. Jump in feet first. Please read my post on sub frenzy. My wife had it, in fact most submissives I know have had it.
4. Accept someone as a mentor who wants sex or wants to play. Good mentors do NOT ask for sex. They help you be wiser as you learn about yourself.

What you should do:

Set up an account on This is pretty much the social network for kinksters. It’s our facebook. Once you do, contact either me Inaralee, or my wife Beautyspunishment.

You need to read my post on BDSM roles. It is possible to like rough sex and not really be a submissive. A submissive defers to another person in a relationship. if all you really want is rough sex but you are in no way feeling as if you want to have a partner who tells you what to do, then perhaps you are a kinkster or just kinky in the bedroom. Whatever you feel you are, DO NOT DO ANYTHING RASH!!!

My advise is to have a lot of conversations via email with my wife. She can mentor long distance. Secondly, when you get on Fetlife, do not hunt for a dominant. I think you should look up munches in your area and attend a few to get to know the BDSM people in your community. A munch is just a get together at a restaurant or bar (yes I know you’re 18) but many are at restaurants. Go and meet people who have the same thoughts and fantasies as you. Again, don’t go looking to find a dominant, and I can assure you, one or two may come asking but that is not why you’re there., and you are not there to try and loose your virginity. You may say “Oh I can’t go by myself.” Yes you can. I did. I hadn’t been in a bar in 20 years and I went. It was unnerving, but I soon found out they are just regular people.

Once on Fetlife, you can look through the groups. Submissive women is a good one and so is novices and newbies. Look at stuff that interests you. you said a dungeon but only mention rough sex. Is there other stuff you think you might like? Read, read, read. Delete all the mail from men offering to be your dominant. Wait on that. In my opinion you need to just make friends, on line and preferably in person at a munch. The advantage to in person is you can ask others about the guys who are wanting you to be their submissive. Again, don’t let some guy tell you it’s disrespectful. What is disrespectful is asking a woman to enter into a power exchange relationship without knowing their partner.

You may fall for a guy who doesn’t want anything to do with BDSM. I think since you have never slept with a man before, you shouldn’t rule anything out. Your virginity is just fine right where it is. Keep it for now. I know, you think you want it, and want it rough and hard, but you should also want the right person.

1. Write my wife on (beautyspunishment)
2. Read, read, read, about anything that interests you.
3. Find a submissive female mentor. NOT A DOMINANT MAN, and don’t go for that under protection either if they want sex.
4. Keep that virginity
5. Go to a munch and meet the leaders of the community. They will help you learn about any interests you have safely.
6. Not all BDSM play, in fact much of the BDSM play done is non sexual. Obviously rough sex is sexual, but learn about what else might interest you.
7. Take your time. I agree that it’s hard to ask someone if they might be into rough sex. if you get involved in the BDSM community, that conversation is much easier. But still, wait!!! You have time. You fantasy may be the only thing you can get off to, but if the right guy comes along you never know, because you haven’t experienced sex at all, vanilla or rough.

We will be waiting to hear from you.
We will help you on this road.


About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Bloggers. Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship's Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.

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