A Question From the Mailbag on Enjoying Pain

I received a question from the mailbag and it’s a good one. Those who are not kinky, find it difficult to understand those of us who are.

My husband and l are in continues pain so how is getting pain from someone whipping and spanking you so exotic, or even sexual. I know what it feels like and it does not turn me on at all.


There are people who are masochistic. That means they enjoy pain, but that doesn’t mean they enjoy all pain. During BDSM play, there are endorphins released in the brain in response to the sensation being felt. The brain is reacting to the painful stimulus, and releases this chemical that produces a floaty feeling or adrenaline and gives a rush. When engaged in play, the person who is on the receiving end often experiences something we refer to as subspace. This comes from the painful stimulus. Why don’t we all run around in a great floaty place when we have a headache or chronic pain? I don’t know. I do know that the application of pain produces this pleasure in some people and they are considered masochists.

This is from Wikipedia in relation to endorphins. They are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during exercise,[2] excitement, pain, consumption of spicy food, love and orgasm,[3][4] and they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a feeling of well-being.

it should be noted that the giving and receiving of pain is done consensually. Masochist want to receive pain. They want the feeling described above. They do not however get the endorphin high if they drop a brick on their toe.

Masochists run on a wide spectrum. My wife does not enjoy a great deal of pain. She likes more sensual play. Flogging that isn’t real stingy but is rhythmic, spanking that isn’t hard, nipple play that doesn’t hurt her breasts and nipple too harshly. My other play partner on the other hand is a huge masochist. He loves hard impact, very hard impact. Spanking, canning, whipping, and the like, hard and heavy. He gets a great rush from it and can’t get enough BUT neither my wife nor my play partner enjoy other kinds of pain.

My wife has back problems, she has had surgery to correct them, and the daily pain is not something she enjoys and she absolutely is not feeling sexual, floaty, or aroused when her back is hurting. She did not enjoy the pain of childbirth. Neither of my partners say ooh, yummy pain when they stub their toe or like to have a tooth pulled without anesthesia. I have friends who have fibromyalgia and they definitely are in pain every day and they most certainly do not enjoy it. That said, they can and do enjoy the application of pain in a different and careful way. When my wife’s back hurts, a spanking with her favorite paddle can bring a little relief just as spanking or pressure point play can bring relief to those with fibro. The endorphins released from the spanking help relieve the back or joint pain much like a heavy deep tissue massage can get at the deep down aches inside. It can hurt to be stretched and kneaded hard, but it get the area that is having pain to release the tension and make the muscle relax.

I’m not going to say that you and your husband who have chronic pain should run out and get spankings. Those that are masochist and those who like BDSM play are just as different from those who don’t, as those who love playing football and those who like chess are. Spanking, whipping, bondage, electrical play, sensation depravation, canning, these things are our recreation. Masochists love the application of pain in BDSM play, but that does not mean they like all kinds of pain. Plenty have chronic pain they would very much like to not have,

The pain you and your husband feel is not the kind that brings pleasure so there is no way I can explain how it is erotic or sexual because that kind of pain simply isn’t. Not all pain from BDSM play is sexual either. Some people get erotic pleasure from being spanked, but many do not. A good deal of BDSM play is completely non sexual. My play with my play partner is not sexual at all. I get a rush from the application of pain to a person who gets a high from receiving pain. It is wanted, it is consensual, it is fun.  Pain is a sexual stimulus for some people. The variety of things that are sexual to people is vast and personal. Some enjoy cuddling, some are turned on by a curvy woman in a little black dress, some erotic stories, some kissing, some porn, some their partners favorite perfume, a back rub, the smell of your partners hair after it’s shampooed, just as the variety of things that make us say ick is vast and personal. The stimulus of pain giving sexual pleasure is just something some people find sexually pleasing. Just as there must be something that you and your husband find sexually stimulating.

What we do in BDSM stretches the brain of those who find it distasteful. How on earth can people enjoy being spanked, whipped, tied up, have rough sex, have needles stuck in them, have their nipple clamped? We just do. Do I enjoy all things BDSM? No, just as you don’t enjoy all things not kinky. People are different, we like different things, we are attracted to our partners in different ways, we enjoy life doing a vast variety of things. It’s what makes the world go round, and to take a quote from a post I did on respecting others kink, I will expand that to respecting other’s choices in whatever they do. If the people doing it consent and are enjoying it whatever it is, then I’m okay and you’re okay. I do not consent to playing football and really don’t get those who do. I can’t stand cooking and really don’t understand how my wife can. I do love to read, but many find it distasteful. All of it is okay because we are different and our differences aren’t wrong. Kinky people who like BDSM aren’t sick or twisted, we just like a very different kind of recreation, so we’re all okay.

Hope this helps you understand Maryanne. thank you for your question.

About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Bloggers. Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship's Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.