Something from the Mailbag
I have a question from Jean about BDSM. I decided to post this here so more of you would see it. I also want to encourage others to go ahead and ask if you have something on your mind.
Jean asks:
My question is about my past few experiences with my husband involving bdsm. The first experience I pretty much did what he required of me. Without having done any real reading about it, it remained loving and disciplined. On to the next I experienced a very real desire to test him openly. Breaking rules, etc. It was very easy for me to realize that in my mind, it was a mind game. I felt I was getting what I wanted in the first place and that these rules were not sufficient. So, I egged him on. If a rule was made, it became my next “to do” to break it. Only in doing this did I feel I had uncovered something very real about myself. Being allowed to do what I wanted, unchecked and allowed to be out of control. This feeling has plagued me for many years.
What really surprised me was that this ended up NOT being just a sexual fantasy I’d had for many years, but a very real need for him to put a stop to this mentality that I could test and overrun anyone who presented guidelines for which I was to adhere to.
So, my question is, are these reasonable emotions to express during the bdsm experience or should I start seeing a sex therapist, lol????
I think there are a few things we need to look at, Jean. First I am curious about the dynamics of your relationship. It sounds like your husband may be coming at kink with a bedroom frame of mind and you are needing it to be more of a power exchange relationship. Maybe he wants kinkier sex, a bit of bondage or spanking, and you are really needing the, as you put it, mind game. Just because two people are married, enjoy kink, and have a strong vanilla relationship, it doesn’t mean you are a great match up in BDSM. The key here is to communicate.
It sounds like you are seeking out what you need by being an undisciplined brat. Now I am not trying to be harsh, it’s simply what your behavior looks like in the kink world. Have you sat down and told your husband that you need stronger limits and that you enjoy the mental aspect and crave control? He can’t read your mind, and if he’s pretty new at this he sure can’t be the strong dominant you need without talking to one another. Acting out is a sure way to be punished or shown the door in my relationships. My wife gives her submission willingly. She was a brat to the other dominants she tried to have a relationship with, but they weren’t right for her. If you crave control, tell him and give him a chance to be more strict.
Does he punish you? Are you seeking the punishment and want worse punishment? You can do play punishment which is play without an actual reason for the spanking and such. You admit to testing him and having it be your goal to break the rules. That is not respectful to him as your partner. He deserves your respect and your communication. It isn’t odd to need control but you need to go about getting it in the right way. It is quite possible that you are making him feel awful. I hate it when my wife doesn’t do what she is told. Punishment is no fun. It sucks when she disappoints me, of course I put an end to that disobedience quickly, but that is because I learned what motivates her and what she needs through time and communication, and I am very experienced.
You don’t need to run to the sex therapist though there is nothing wrong with that. You just need more structure. You don’t want to be able to run over your husband, but you have to give him a chance. Open up, you both have taken the first step by acting on your kink fantasies, but now that you have had a taste and crave something else, you have to be an adult and talk to him. He may be frustrated and wonder why you are acting the way you are. He may think you don’t want him to give you rules instead of the opposite.
I suggest looking up domestic discipline. It sounds like that might be the type of relationship you seek. A balance is possible, you just have to find it.