The Fun, the Serious, and the In Between in BDSM 35 comments


Monkeying Around MTKF 2011 - 4

The Fun, the Serious, and the In Between in BDSM

Those who follow my posts on BDSM know that there are some things that make me very serious, in fact, the majority of my teachings contain little humor, but that isn’t true for everything. I love to laugh. Who doesn’t? They say laughter is good for any number things, and it can actually boost your metabolism. I guess if I want to lose my excessive curves I need to sit and laugh from morning until night. That would be such fun, but the day job won’t allow for it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find humor in my kinky lifestyle. Even so, we are going to begin with the serious, and work our way to the fun so I can leave you smiling.

The Serious

  1. EthicsThough I can be a happy caring sadist, I do my best to be an ethical one as well. What we do can be dangerous both mentally and physically. Take care in what you do and don’t screw with people’s heads, especially if you are the dominant. Many submissives are easy to take advantage of if they are looking at you with eyes full of stars.
  2. Consent Again, if you are the top or the dominant in a play session or power exchange relationship, the submissive, slave, or bottom may think you are beyond reproach and are likely to say yes to a few things when they are on the high of play endorphin’s or have put you on a pedestal. It is your responsibility to stick to negotiated consent guidelines when they might be a bit out of their mind or are simply agreeing to please you. Authority can produce a high by itself, so make sure to keep yourself in check and don’t demand your submissive do something on their hard limit list to ‘prove’ themselves.
  3. Safety – If you are going to play in a certain way or wish to begin a power exchange or domestic discipline relationship, do yourself and your intended partner a huge favor and learn about the physical play and the mental aspects.
  4. Take care of your submissive or slave. – If you want an s type, respect them and the lifestyle by taking care of their needs. It isn’t all about you. Domination is a lot of work. You are holding another’s mental and physical well-being in your hand.
  5. Aftercare – If you want someone to be part of your extreme sports, take care of them during (water, check for cold extremities) and well after a play session. See that glassy look in their eyes? Stay close and don’t let them drive or make decisions until it is gone.
  6. First Aid – keep a first aid kit in your toy bag, the room you play in, or your dungeon. Just do it. For a list of things that should be in it see my post on a well-stocked dungeon.

The In Between

  1. Drinking – This is borderline serious for me. I won’t play with anyone aside from a little spanking with my wife if either of us has had something to drink. I won’t go so far as to say never should you play after a couple glasses of wine, but I will say that playing while intoxicated is a huge no-no in my book and can be dangerous. To each his own, but not in my house or with those I hold dear. Our play parties are drug and alcohol-free, and so are most dungeons.
  2. Manners – Now I’ve been called Miss Manners, and I don’t mind the title in the least, but not everyone is a stickler for etiquette. The protocol with which I govern me and mine is not for everyone. I will say that I feel you should respect the level of protocol I set forth on my Fetlife page and while in my home. That is, don’t contact my wife or I if you think the conditions I set forth are ridiculous and do not dare to be disrespectful by ignoring the rules in my home. No big deal, just look elsewhere if my imitation of Emily Post bothers you. I will also say that you need to follow and use the manners expected at a munch and absolutely at a public dungeon if you don’t wish to be booted. Look on the group’s web page or ask the moderator if you are unsure. Better to ask than to act like an ass.
  3. Be sincere, kind and trustworthy, and save the drama. Like any type of group, couples come and go, arguments occur, people simply don’t like each other for one reason or another. Mind your own behavior, give those who trust you good reason and treat people in a caring manner. Just because I give pain in play doesn’t mean I disregard other’s feelings or tell tales that would hurt people. Be a friend to have a friend, trust is something that is earned or lost.
  4. Respect – I don’t care if you think you are the most dommly dom on the face of the planet. Respect can’t be demanded; it must be commanded. I am 5’ curvy and appear very sweet. Not the typical mistress at all. I haven’t earned the respect of the local kink community by thumping my chest and bellowing about how dominant I am. Respect came from my actions. The subtle commanding aura around you and how you conduct yourself is what makes people decide you deserve respect. No one is my slave or sub if they truly aren’t mine, and I do not tell people to use the word Miss before my name unless they are mine. It just happens because of the way I behave, and you know what? It still feels odd sometimes. I became the Queen without truly knowing how! Treat people with respect, and they will feel it.
  5. Don’t disparage other people’s kinks. They may think your love of toenail clippings is really gross, but however you feel about what someone else does, keep it to yourself. It’s not your place to judge if it’s safe, sane, and consensual.

Now for the fun – Fun is important.

I once saw a couple playing at Kinky Kollege in Chicago who completely made my mouth want to hang open in if not shock, then a big helping of surprise. He had her on a cross in the dungeon and was beating the crap out of her ass. I mean it was a deep dark red. The bruises were already rising and adding deep purple hues crossed by welts that had blood on them crisscrossing all over. He was going all out super sadist on her, but that isn’t what compelled me to keep watching.  It was her response that had me in shock.

Every time he put his all into a swing and really gave it to her, she began to laugh. This deep belly laugh that spoke of joy and something incredibly funny burst forth with each strike. I think I would have wet myself if I laughed that hard continuously, but this woman did, that and then call out insults to him so he would once again put his all into the next stroke. I think he even pulled out the electricity at one point and zapped her all over her well-beaten ass that caused a fit of giggles that had to make her knees weak. They were both really enjoying their play session. It was obvious, and even though I think the hearty laughter came as her own slightly off but uncontrollable reaction to the pain, it was clear they were having a good time.

When he took her down, there was a very tender heap of aftercare administered. He held her so as her bottom could be cleaned and bandaged, and they cuddled and whispered things to each other. I still remember them today, clear as a bell.

So the moral of that story is to let yourself have fun. No matter where the belly laughs come from, even if they are a response your brain has to the pain stimuli, let yourself laugh. When we play it can be serious, but it should also be enjoyable.

  1. Laugh at the blunders. We all want to be that person who can tie someone in bondage that is so beautiful it is a work of art or flog Florentine with the speed of light. That only comes with great practice, and even they must have the occasional oops moment. I am not talking about making light of something that resulted in injury, I mean the stuff that happens on occasion that just leaves you perhaps frustrated with yourself or embarrassed. We all make mistakes. The butt plug pops out, the clothespins on the nipple or where ever shoot across the room. {One of my personal LOL moments.} Gas is passed, an implement goes flying out of your hand of its own accord, the popsicle you planned on painting your lover with on a hot day breaks and leaves a sticky pool of mess. Whatever, laugh with If you let it get the better of you play won’t be fun, it will be a nerve-wracking performance test.
  2. Find ways to add spice to your play – Last night Jud and I played Name that Implement. He was blindfolded, and I separated my toys into four categories: wood, pervertables, leather, and rubber, and he had to name the number of strokes it would take him to name that implement. It was harder than either of us thought, we laughed a lot, and he got his very masochistic ass beat with a huge number of swats. Keep things interesting. It keeps the s types on their toes.
  3. Treasure the differences – The things that make us different and unique should be held in high esteem. They are what should be treasures for they keep life interesting. My dear wife is a turtle with a wacky personality. I could scowl (and do on occasion but I’m getting better), or I could laugh when I wish to high hell that I could speed her up or find her off button. She is my better half and adds levity to our lives. There is a new commercial out for I don’t know what that shows different species of animals being best friends such as an elephant and a tiger, a dog, and a deer. It tells us “Be together, not the same.” That holds true for kinks, people, ways of play, the spontaneous stuff that flies out of people’s mouth during play. Have fun with it. It won’t make you a wimpy dom if you laugh when your submissive suddenly says something ridiculous in response to a hard swat.
  4. Save times for when you simply ad-lib. I sometimes script a play session and I sometimes just go with the flow. As long as I play safe, and no one’s headspace is suffering because I need to move away from my partner to grab something I find would fit all of a sudden, then it’s good. Sometimes my goal is to produce a howl, sometimes an eep, sometimes a belly laugh. Hell, that’s why I have a realistic fox puppet in the dungeon. Let me tell you that serious goes out the window when he comes out.
  5. Music can create a mood We all know that. Ever play to show tunes? Talk about funny. I watched friends do CBT to The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Not a show tune but it was hilarious when the fast fiddle started. Glad it wasn’t my cock under that knife. Jan is an expert though so to worry never occurred. I have been known to sing and dance, and Jud loves to shake his ass to songs. It doesn’t have to be a serious head space creating soundtrack.

The things we do can be dangerous. They are an extreme sport. They take a good deal of learning but play should be fun. You hold that other person in your hands and that is a huge responsibility, and sometimes play should be serious if you are doing something that takes quiet concentration or you want your bottom or s type to exchange energy with you through your talents and concentration, but save time for fun as well. So many things in kink deserve seriousness. Hell, we touch other’s minds, hearts, and bodies, but when laughter ensues, especially if it wasn’t planned, it’s all good as long as no one is hurt. Be warned to laugh with people, not at them. Humiliation just hurts unless someone truly gets off on it.

This post was inspired by the crazy play I had last night. It was such a fun scene. Be creative people. I have perverted several of the old game shows by adding a kinky twist. Role play, add crazy rules, have your partner ‘bawk’ like a chicken instead of counting. Whatever, just have fun on occasion and turn the serious off. I used to be that dominant who championed for the seriousness of BDSM so hard I didn’t laugh enough. Oh, the play was good. It was hot and satisfying, but the laughter was missing on occasion. Some things are serious, and some most definitely leave the door open for silly fun. Don’t be afraid to walk through it. What’s on the other side may bite, but only in a good way. Take a few turns towards crazy. In the meantime, I’ll be over here singing Chicken One and Chicken Two…


About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Bloggers. Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship's Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.


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