What The Hell Happened Here?

If you look at my Fetlife profile it will say I live the lifestyle 24/7. 24/7 means different things to different people depending on the type of relationship they are in, but I think most of us have a healthy does of vanilla or the real world invading on our 24/7. What I mean is, the every day stressors of life such as work, family, and kids makes it necessary to step outside our kink zone whether we like it or not, and for me the stepping outside has made it hard to step back in where I belong.

I live within the contexts of a kinky relationship. I make all the decisions, my wife defers to me in all things. Most of my social interactions are with our kinky friends. Our home is equipped with a dungeon, much of our travel is to kink events, the fetlife page is usually open on the computer, and kink is just a normal part of our lives. All of these things are still in place, and yet I am feeling as if I have lost my kinky self. Not entirely, but it has been pushed aside, and I am feeling a bit lost without it. I want it, it’s how I have chosen to live my life, and yet the enthusiasm in my mind has stopped being carried out in my actions. I’ve lost that kinky feeling and I really want it back.

Many of you may not be able to relate to it at all. It may change the way some of you think of me. I have put on the titles of sadistic, lesbian, dominant, mistress and have created this persona of a woman who is strong in her beliefs, kinky in her ways, knowledgeable about the lifestyle, and most likely give off an aura of a sexy dominant woman. I am still her, but the stress of life has effectively managed to squash the feelings I used to crave and the actions I couldn’t wait to do. It sucks, and I’m sure I’m not the only person who has had this happen to them. This post is more for those who can relate, because I don’t know about you folks, but it annoys me, it scares me just a bit, and it sucks in a huge way.

I made promises to my wife. To take care of her, to discipline and guide her, to give her structure, to provide a kinky environment and relationship in which to live and right now I’m feeling like I’m not living up to my promises. She would never call me on it, but I know I’m slipping. Yes, I provide. We have a nice house, food, clothes, all the things people need and much of what we want, but the aspects of kink in our daily lives has slipped away. She is a good wife, she does as I ask but we’ve gotten to the point where I have to fuss at her more than I’d like over little crap. The kink is eroding as is just a bit of the power exchange. It’s not what I want for my relationship and I’m sure it’s not what she wants either. I’ve gotten in a bad cycle where I know she needs more structure and domination but I feel unable to give it or in the wrong if I give it. I simply don’t have the energy or the drive. The commitment is there, well is somewhere inside, but I am struggling badly.

I’ve slipped. I don’t do nightly or even weekly maintenance spankings like I used to. We haven’t done kinky play in ages. The desire is barely there. This is because of a huge amount of stress being heaped on my at work, and health issues that make me fight against fatigue. So I want us to have the power exchange dynamic but feel guilty if I just try to jump back in. In other words, is it right to punish her for being lackadaisical about my wishes when I haven’t been consistent with how I exert my power over her? Yes I have held up my end of our promises to provide for us and to have her stay at home in our 50’s style domestic discipline life, I provide basic needs, but is it right to expect so much of her when all I am providing as of late is vanilla stability? I feel like a hypocrite when I flex my dominant power and act like the dominant I said I would be because I don’t do it on a consistent basis.

There have to be others who have fallen in this rut. I am not unique. I need to climb back out. My brain says start small. Go back over how our relationship would ideally look for each of us. What would she like more of and what do I honestly feel I can give. I am huge on stressing communication to one and all, but Beauty isn’t a great talker. I have to pull things out of her. When this first started it was “Well okay, I’m not being my dominant self and we’re not playing but there are health issues, meds that make me so tired, then came the mounds of stress, and it just seems like what was okay because I’m human and everyone has crap that makes them less than who they want to be, has snowballed into more. This is going on for too long and it’s beginning to get to me.

So yes I’m a woman first and I get that life’s issues take us in different directions, but I am a kinky dominant woman. One who needs the power exchange aspects, one who used to love nothing more than a good heavy BDSM scene to get the blood and sex drive into overdrive. One who is pissed at the effort it seems to take to live as I used to. I’m a woman first but this really sucks. I’m not asking for answers from my readers nor little violins playing in sympathy. I know I need to open up serious conversation with Beauty. This post is for those of you who maybe have been through or are going through the magically vanishing kinky side of yourself. You are not alone. It sucks, I sympathize with you. The whole thing has me floored and mystified. I am not going to let that side of me just slip away without a fight. But yeah, it sucks. What the hell happened?

About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Bloggers. Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship's Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.