The Act of Collaring 3 comments

Beauty’s Collar and Wedding Ring

The Act of Collaring

The act of collaring one’s submissive or slave has many variations to some, and only one true way to others. Whether you find yourself in the meet today, collar tomorrow crowd, or the collaring is very serious business crowd, it is a subject and act that can spawn much debate. As always, my views are simply my views, expressed in a way that will hopefully educate and enlighten my readers. Your mileage may vary, in fact it should to some extent because the act of collaring is a very personal one.

When I met my wife Beauty, I’d had several long term M/s relationships prior to her, but I never collared any of those ladies. While it’s true, they had a play collar worn during kinky play and jewelry that was special because it represented our relationship, they never received a collar. To be honest, I am appalled at how lightly the giving of a collar is done by some. To me, collaring my wife was just as meaningful as our wedding and exchange of rings. The marriage and the collar given that day are for life, and that is not a decision made lightly or on a whim.

When things began progressing in my relationship with Beauty, there were steps taken to get further into our power exchange relationship. We discussed the rules and expectations she would be living under, what things I would not tolerate, a list of iron clad rules, and a list of things it wouldn’t be in her best interest to do. I also outlined my responsibilities and what she would receive in return. Some of my expectation focused on her health. She was to eat healthy, take any medicines, etc. Some her behavior, others on all the little things that make us work. She was gradually brought deeper as my expectation increased. How she is to present herself and act in public, how her body is to be kept, as well as what to expect if a rule is broken or if she failed to do a task she was told to do. By accepting my collar, she said yes to all of the above.

After a good bit of time with her living with me, knowing how I dominate and discipline, knowing how I would care for her, what routines and protocol were expected and such, I sat her down and told her she would be getting a training/under consideration collar. Now some will tell you right out that a training collar is stupid or just a way to try and tie a submissive to you without a full commitment. That is not so. Beauty wore the collar I chose for her during her training, it simply didn’t have the intricate lock that slides on and hangs like a charm. Her training wasn’t an “If you screw up you’re out of here” thing. It was a period of time for us both to live as we would the rest of our lives together. Her training or under consideration collar was a way for her to show the world she belonged to me and that she was loved and cherished. Pretty much like an engagement ring.

We are of course a Female/female couple, so we can not get legally married in our state, so the act of collaring Beauty held even more significance. My wife wore her training collar throughout our exploration of each other and while I made certain she knew what her life would be like once she bound herself to me completely. On the day we were married and had the collaring ceremony, the words spoken about our D/s relationship, and the sealing of that relationship with the act of my putting her always collar around her neck was the symbolic gesture that meant Beauty was mine, owned and collared by me forever. just as a wedding ceremony binds two people.

As I said above. The collar wasn’t one sided. I made promises as well, like any couple getting married, and like any couple in a healthy power exchange relationship. In the end, simply put, the collar she wears means forever, just as the ring does, and both hold a place of extremely high importance. It isn’t just a bit of jewelry, and the act of collaring her was not done frivolously or without thought. It also took nearly a year for us to reach the point where I deemed collaring appropriate.

I have witnessed a very different view on collaring springing up over the past year or so, and I have to say it annoys me, but that does not mean I sit in judgment of others. It simply means my belief system is different. I am not Old Guard, but do believe in protocol and seriousness in aspects of BDSM that deserve them. I am not a person who runs around all serious, and never brings fun into the kinky aspects of my life and BDSM play. Hell, last weekend my play partner Justine and I were completely ridiculous while we were doing heavy impact play. Whenever he and I play there is much laughter to be had. We are mindful of those playing around us if we are in a small area because it isn’t right to ruin someone’s scene because we are loud and silly, but half the time we leave those watching laughing as well. But, there is a time for silliness and a time for high protocol.

A collar given frivolously, handed out a couple days or even a month, let alone the morning after meeting and having a marathon night of kinky sex and play devalues what used to be seen as an act of promises, proper training, belonging, and forever IMO. BDSM relationships split up just as vanilla ones do, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who would roll their eyes up at two people who just met and had a few great nights of sex getting engaged or running off and getting married. It’s just a commitment that comes too soon and may contain no real meaning. The collar around Beauty’s neck does mean she is owned, but it also means she is cherished, loved, protected, secure, and mine.

So… in my mind: Again this is MY opinion only

Collaring should be done well after the relationship is established.

The Gor variety of collaring the woman for life when you see her and asking questions and training later falls short for the same reason frivolous collaring in any D/s relationship is. I admit to not being well-schooled in Gor but have engaged in debate with more than a few Gor kinksters, and we don’t see eye to eye.

A training collar or being under consideration doesn’t just mean I wanted to get in her pants faster and can toss her aside. It meant she was being trained by me so she could learn and understand my expectations.

My collaring Beauty held as much meaning as my marrying her did.

Her collar means forever. We have a committed relationship and have agreed that we would seek counseling and work through problem for six months to a year before we ever split.

Beauty’s collar is not just a piece of jewelry. It symbolizes taken, owned, cherished, loved, forever.

Collaring someone on a whim would devalue the act for me. Now I know that sounds uppity but what I mean is the symbolization in the BDSM community is diminishing and that bothers me. I have to question why because those who say gay marriage devalues regular marriage are full of shit in my book so why is it okay for me to think collaring after a night of kinky rough and tumble devalues  the very high protocol act that was performed between my wife and I? I guess it’s just a belief. I don’t go around trying to tell those who jumped on the kink bandwagon because of 50 Shades that they’re wrong.  This is my blog and so I share what I believe here. Bashing anyone here is not okay, differences of opinion express and discussed in a polite manner, are.

People must make their own decisions. Much depends on the type of kinky lifestyle you want. Weekend kinksters and those who are bedroom only kinsters may have no use for collaring or may only use a play collar. Beauty does have a play collar; her good one can’t be worn when we are playing. How you see a collar may differ greatly from my views, but I stand by the belief that a collar is something that should be worn with pride because the submissive or slave has deep meaning attached to it.

The words were serious and loving; the ring and collar put on forever. That means something people, at least in my book.


About JolynnRaymond

Writer of historical paranormal romance, kinky historical romance, and BDSM Mistress and Sex Blogger. I hold the position of being one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Bloggers. Two of my books, Taken in Hand A Guide to Domestic Discipline and His Lordship's Wayward Wife, have been nominated as best BDSM Non Fiction and Best BDSM Historical books of the year. The awards ceremony will take place at the BDSM Writers Con in New York City this August.

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